Fresh as a daisy...

I am humming to myself that song, you know the one, "where have all the flowers gone, long time passing, where have all the flowers gone, long time ago". I cannot even guarantee those are the right words, and am bit too lazy to google it, and then too boot, I am substituting the word "flowers" with the word "bloggers". 

I am starting to notice an uneasy trend here in blogland, that being one by one, the original bloggers that I followed are slowly and surely dropping off the face of blogosphere.  And, I often wonder if I am not too far behind.

It was funny because just as I was contemplating if my time was up here as well, I read a comment from Chris at Tilting at Windmills. He wrote on Bouncin Barb's blog as she bid her final adieu, the following words verbatim: "A lot of people blog to releave life stress- and when the stress eases, it's a time taker they no longer need. Go forth, enjoy life."

I stared at his words for such a long time as they resonated deeply within me.  

I had started my blog, as you well know, because I was in an unhappy place in my life and I was deep into soul searching, grasping at loose ends and trying with all my heart to find joy.  I was lost and needed a place to let my words flow.  Spilling them out into the blogosphere was so much more rewarding then spilling tears constantly down my already soggy and mascara-smudged face.

I garnered a lot from blogging, new friends, new opinions, some ego stroking, confidence building, gratitude, enjoyment and mostly relief.  Blogging had always been a special place where I really felt comfortable in bearing my soul with no worries of repercussions and no judgments tossed.  As a blogger, I had lost all sense of decorum and had absolutely no problem whatsoever sharing with the world my life of flatulence, wedgie wars, saggy boobs, hair growth and dimply asses.  By the way, nothing seems to have changed in those areas of my life!

But as time went on and my happiness started to soar and I felt myself hit my stride, I started to wander away from here more and more.  And then when I would come back, I felt that myself and my blog were fast becoming archaic. Simply said, I think my writing was at its most prolific when I was in my greatest amount of pain. 

My joy is now into creating things, like the following photo of mine, wherein I superimposed two of my pictures together to create the following:

Now it would seem, that I have been left with a bit of a conundrum.  In pain, I enjoy my writing, and in happiness, I enjoy my photography.

So where does that leave my blog and I?

Well I am not ready to throw in the proverbial towel so to speak, but I am ready to start a new chapter in my writing.  One that is more uplifting, less heavy with a heaping side of carefree...

So I am, in a sense, saying goodbye to the old Average Girl and the old look of the blog.  She's been there and done her time and now needs to be retired.  Because, in all honesty, this Average Girl has long since changed. She no longer needs to be up at the top of the page dressed in hot pink looking a bit bored and uninterested.  She doesn't need her blog to be doused in heavy colours of oppressing fuschia and black.

She feels light and happy and wishes to reflect that in all aspects of her life, including this blog page. What does that mean for my writing?  Well, I have no idea.  I suppose it will be an adventure to see what spills out of a less pain filled Average Girl. In fact, it may mean more happy writing, and even perhaps a tad to sappy at times.  One thing for sure is that this Average Girl is feeling downright joyful.  One could even say, that his Average Girl is, for lack of a better phrase, fresh as a daisy (hence the new look!)

Until Next Time.

Tracy

The closing of a door....

Today marks sixty short days until the end of my happiness.  Well, the end of my 500 days of happiness that is.

I started the facebook page in the hopes of finding myself.  I was loosing a battle to the chronic pain I felt and it was encompassing every aspect of my life.  I was no longer enjoying my life or enjoying me.  I had somehow lost myself to some autoimmune disease that was creeping through my joints and dictating my every move.  And I was tired of it.

It wasn't and hasn't been an easy road, in fact, it's been a downright bumpy ride, and somewhere along the way, I have had my breaks from it where I have relied on a few friends to take over so that I could gather my courage to go on.

You would think that finding something every day that makes you happy would be an easy feat.  You would be wrong.  The first week into it, my reservations crept in and I had this moment where I thought to myself "what have I gotten myself into".  Followed by "I can't do this".  Followed by the fear of looking like a failure if I shut down the page early with the feeling that the odd person would be snickering in the background with those horrible words "I knew she couldn't do it".  The fear of being the town idiot kept me going for the those first few months. I strained under the glare of a meager few who followed the page waiting for what I would come up with next.  Mornings of waking up in extreme bouts of pain were the hardest.  Those were the days I wanted to shout from the roof top "I'M NOT HAPPY GODDAMMIT!!!"  Those were the days that I had to dig deep and look beyond what I was feeling.  Those were horrible and enlightening days where I struggled with the fact that happiness, if I was lucky, was only oozing from perhaps my baby toe.  Those were the days where I wondered if I was just a fraud.  Where I wondered if what I just typed actually did make me happy.  Where I wondered if I would really ever find my true happiness.  Mostly, I wondered if succumbing to the pain was just so much easier.  Those were definitely the days that the proverbial towel was tightly in my hand and I was ready to throw it in.

Months would go by, people would come on and off my page like flies to honey.  I would take it personally, as if they were saying to me "you fake, there is nothing happy about you... what a bunch of BS."  Even now the following is very small by all accounts, but those who have remained have been very loyal, encouraging and vocal and their participation has made my heart soar.

And as the months dragged on, I started to notice a trend. Bit by bit, I was no longer having to search for the elusive happiness.  I was actually having moments of happiness. And then one day it just happened, and I can't explain it, but I just woke up feeling good, and somewhere along the line during this incredible process, I stopped needing to look for happiness.  I no longer had to dig deep into my heart to find that one special, plausible moment because I could see it all around. Happiness was just there, in everything, I only had to uncloud my vision to recognize it.

This process that so seemed like a chore in the beginning had become one of the best things I had and have ever done for myself.  And in the last few months. it has been unbelievably easy to find what makes me tick. It just bubbles from within. And while I still have moment where I often worry that it is a very delicate bubble around me that could pop at any moment, I have noticed that the power of happiness had always resided in me and was just waiting to come out and play.  And while I still have pain, it is much to a lesser extent now. I  no longer let it live in the forefront of my life. I have placed it in the shadows where it could not grow.  And instead, I placed my love of life in the sun where it could blossom and stretch and encompass me fully.

And while the door is slowly closing to my 500 days of happiness, I have definitely made sure that I threw the window wide open, so like with fresh air, happiness could always and freely float into my life.

Until Next Time.

Tracy