Slipping Away into the Winter's light...

I am tired.

And I have not been here for so long.

The sounds and the sights swirl around me, twisting, encompassing and embracing.

And I am tired.

I look over to the calendar and see that time has passed me by.  Where did it go?  Responsibilities are heavy, surgery on my mother, wedding preparations, work deadlines, the photography site and my old friend chronic pain has returned with a vengeance.

And I am tired.

I stand gazing out the window enjoying the winter scene as Father Frost has kissed the bare stricken branches and softly layered creamy ice over the glossy ponds where geese and swans once resided only a few short weeks ago.  Or was that a few months ago?  I can no longer recall.

And I am tired.

The church across from me sits idle with it's majestic cobalt blue doors silently waiting.  Tis a beautiful sight with it's snow frosted roof and it's empty pews beckoning for Christmas Eve when it will be full of life.

And I am tired.

I hear on the radio that hauntingly beautiful song for a winters night.  It makes me melancholy and I sigh and take a few moments of solace but then snap back to reality as work is frantically busy and I do not have the time to waste as everybody wants resolution to their matters now.

And I am tired.

Christmas is upon us and I had to do everything in October and November that one does in December for preparation of my mother's recent surgery and it is the last month of the season and I still have yet to recover from all the frenzy.

And I am tired.

I miss this place.  This place to write and read and connect with like minds.  I miss it so much, but I can scarcely breathe and am surviving on three hours sleep a night.

And I am tired.

I take a few moments to jot down my thoughts and watch thru my office window as daylight fades to a soft sweet hazy grey.  And in that brief moment, I close my eyes and dream while I quietly slip away into the winter's light hoping for just a few moments of respite.

But even at that, I am still unfortunately tired...

I miss you all.  I think of you often and I hope you and your family are well.  

I wish you a lovely and peaceful Christmas surrounded by those that fill your heart with joy.

Be safe.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

Learning baby steps in the art of self promotion...

Have you ever met someone with the capabilities of self promotion.  They win people over with their smile, their charm, their charisma, their confidence, no matter how kooky their latest idea is?  Well that person most certainly isn't me.

I was thinking about it the other day as I launched my new website and subsequently my new facebook page.  Admittedly, I do not come across shy or self conscious, but if the truth be known, I really am. Nervous and bashful with respect to my latest endeavour, I have found that trying to sell myself is one of my biggest hurdles and fears.  I suppose it has to do with the fact that I am passionate about photography and letting others to view what I have done has made me feel a tad self conscious and for lack of a better word, raw.  I feel exposed to the possibility of rejection. And what's more is I worry about becoming a nuisance in their facebook newsfeed. 

Rejection has never been my strong point and I have never been one to let things just roll off my back easily.  An analyzer since the day I was born, I have spent countless hours in my lifetime wondering why this person did not like this or why this person did not like that and what could I have done differently.  Hours, unfortunately, I will never get back.

There is just something about self promotion that has the ability to expose you to all sorts of hurtful elements and I know that a thick skin is required to survive.  But I often wonder if my proverbial skin is thick enough.

To be honest, in my perfect world, I would just yell, "like me!  like me!  like me damnit!!!" and of course, everyone would stampede and just sign up on the crazy Tracy train without question.  But in reality, self promotion really is an art, and not being upset by rejection, is an amazing gift.

I long for the day that my flesh is thick due to strength and not the poundage that surrounds my bones.  

So, in the spirit of trying to gain a thicker skin and the ability to learn how to promote oneself, today I am sharing my facebook photography page.... YIKES!

Here is where you can find me most days:  thru her eyes photography.

I am sure tooting my horn (rather than my bum) will eventually come naturally to me. However, in the meantime, I suppose, it's just all about learning the baby steps in the art of self promotion.

Until Next Time.

Cheers

Tracy

Fresh as a daisy...

I am humming to myself that song, you know the one, "where have all the flowers gone, long time passing, where have all the flowers gone, long time ago". I cannot even guarantee those are the right words, and am bit too lazy to google it, and then too boot, I am substituting the word "flowers" with the word "bloggers". 

I am starting to notice an uneasy trend here in blogland, that being one by one, the original bloggers that I followed are slowly and surely dropping off the face of blogosphere.  And, I often wonder if I am not too far behind.

It was funny because just as I was contemplating if my time was up here as well, I read a comment from Chris at Tilting at Windmills. He wrote on Bouncin Barb's blog as she bid her final adieu, the following words verbatim: "A lot of people blog to releave life stress- and when the stress eases, it's a time taker they no longer need. Go forth, enjoy life."

I stared at his words for such a long time as they resonated deeply within me.  

I had started my blog, as you well know, because I was in an unhappy place in my life and I was deep into soul searching, grasping at loose ends and trying with all my heart to find joy.  I was lost and needed a place to let my words flow.  Spilling them out into the blogosphere was so much more rewarding then spilling tears constantly down my already soggy and mascara-smudged face.

I garnered a lot from blogging, new friends, new opinions, some ego stroking, confidence building, gratitude, enjoyment and mostly relief.  Blogging had always been a special place where I really felt comfortable in bearing my soul with no worries of repercussions and no judgments tossed.  As a blogger, I had lost all sense of decorum and had absolutely no problem whatsoever sharing with the world my life of flatulence, wedgie wars, saggy boobs, hair growth and dimply asses.  By the way, nothing seems to have changed in those areas of my life!

But as time went on and my happiness started to soar and I felt myself hit my stride, I started to wander away from here more and more.  And then when I would come back, I felt that myself and my blog were fast becoming archaic. Simply said, I think my writing was at its most prolific when I was in my greatest amount of pain. 

My joy is now into creating things, like the following photo of mine, wherein I superimposed two of my pictures together to create the following:

Now it would seem, that I have been left with a bit of a conundrum.  In pain, I enjoy my writing, and in happiness, I enjoy my photography.

So where does that leave my blog and I?

Well I am not ready to throw in the proverbial towel so to speak, but I am ready to start a new chapter in my writing.  One that is more uplifting, less heavy with a heaping side of carefree...

So I am, in a sense, saying goodbye to the old Average Girl and the old look of the blog.  She's been there and done her time and now needs to be retired.  Because, in all honesty, this Average Girl has long since changed. She no longer needs to be up at the top of the page dressed in hot pink looking a bit bored and uninterested.  She doesn't need her blog to be doused in heavy colours of oppressing fuschia and black.

She feels light and happy and wishes to reflect that in all aspects of her life, including this blog page. What does that mean for my writing?  Well, I have no idea.  I suppose it will be an adventure to see what spills out of a less pain filled Average Girl. In fact, it may mean more happy writing, and even perhaps a tad to sappy at times.  One thing for sure is that this Average Girl is feeling downright joyful.  One could even say, that his Average Girl is, for lack of a better phrase, fresh as a daisy (hence the new look!)

Until Next Time.

Tracy

The closing of a door....

Today marks sixty short days until the end of my happiness.  Well, the end of my 500 days of happiness that is.

I started the facebook page in the hopes of finding myself.  I was loosing a battle to the chronic pain I felt and it was encompassing every aspect of my life.  I was no longer enjoying my life or enjoying me.  I had somehow lost myself to some autoimmune disease that was creeping through my joints and dictating my every move.  And I was tired of it.

It wasn't and hasn't been an easy road, in fact, it's been a downright bumpy ride, and somewhere along the way, I have had my breaks from it where I have relied on a few friends to take over so that I could gather my courage to go on.

You would think that finding something every day that makes you happy would be an easy feat.  You would be wrong.  The first week into it, my reservations crept in and I had this moment where I thought to myself "what have I gotten myself into".  Followed by "I can't do this".  Followed by the fear of looking like a failure if I shut down the page early with the feeling that the odd person would be snickering in the background with those horrible words "I knew she couldn't do it".  The fear of being the town idiot kept me going for the those first few months. I strained under the glare of a meager few who followed the page waiting for what I would come up with next.  Mornings of waking up in extreme bouts of pain were the hardest.  Those were the days I wanted to shout from the roof top "I'M NOT HAPPY GODDAMMIT!!!"  Those were the days that I had to dig deep and look beyond what I was feeling.  Those were horrible and enlightening days where I struggled with the fact that happiness, if I was lucky, was only oozing from perhaps my baby toe.  Those were the days where I wondered if I was just a fraud.  Where I wondered if what I just typed actually did make me happy.  Where I wondered if I would really ever find my true happiness.  Mostly, I wondered if succumbing to the pain was just so much easier.  Those were definitely the days that the proverbial towel was tightly in my hand and I was ready to throw it in.

Months would go by, people would come on and off my page like flies to honey.  I would take it personally, as if they were saying to me "you fake, there is nothing happy about you... what a bunch of BS."  Even now the following is very small by all accounts, but those who have remained have been very loyal, encouraging and vocal and their participation has made my heart soar.

And as the months dragged on, I started to notice a trend. Bit by bit, I was no longer having to search for the elusive happiness.  I was actually having moments of happiness. And then one day it just happened, and I can't explain it, but I just woke up feeling good, and somewhere along the line during this incredible process, I stopped needing to look for happiness.  I no longer had to dig deep into my heart to find that one special, plausible moment because I could see it all around. Happiness was just there, in everything, I only had to uncloud my vision to recognize it.

This process that so seemed like a chore in the beginning had become one of the best things I had and have ever done for myself.  And in the last few months. it has been unbelievably easy to find what makes me tick. It just bubbles from within. And while I still have moment where I often worry that it is a very delicate bubble around me that could pop at any moment, I have noticed that the power of happiness had always resided in me and was just waiting to come out and play.  And while I still have pain, it is much to a lesser extent now. I  no longer let it live in the forefront of my life. I have placed it in the shadows where it could not grow.  And instead, I placed my love of life in the sun where it could blossom and stretch and encompass me fully.

And while the door is slowly closing to my 500 days of happiness, I have definitely made sure that I threw the window wide open, so like with fresh air, happiness could always and freely float into my life.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

What took me so long!!!!

This is not so much a blog post as it is an update.

I am sorry I have been missing in action a lot this year.

This has been one of the best years I have had in a long time.  And I was almost afraid to post that, you know.  Worried about the fates, but life is what life is and happiness seems to be spilling from every pore on my body.

Changes have been all around me, some have been losses, like my grandmother and my beloved Maggie Mae.  Others have been uplifting, like Italy and feeling relatively normal with little pain.  Others have brought me so much joy, that I can barely contain myself, like going forward with my photography and renovating my house.  Still others have been about deeper connections with friends and family and realizing that this silly wall that was around me, was nothing more than a useless piece of crap.

And the most surprising of all my changes, is actually me.  I feel happy, like really happy!  At 44, I have finally become comfortable in my own skin and what is more fantastical is that I have finally found my stride, my place, my reason and mostly my joy!

I don't feel like the woman I was a year ago. 

I don't know what has happened, or maybe I do, I have finally accepted me for me, got on with life, stepped out my own self imposed confines, dug deep to find my confidence and plowed ahead.

And you know what is next on my roster?

Well I am going to try and open an online shop for my photo cards and calendars, although I still have that niggly thought of "are they good enough" but I keep being virtually slapped around by so many unbelievably supportive friends, that I am just going to take the chance.

One of my recent photo commissions!

And secondly, well I have finally decided that next year, which marks my 10th year with my better half, is the year that this Average Girl, is going to take the plunge and walk down the aisle and say I DO at the top of my lungs to that good looking better half of mine!!!

Me in a year, only far more chunkier!!!

 

Yup, head first into a free fall is where I am going and I have to tell you that sky diving into the unknown is bringing up the most beautiful scenery ever!  And you know what I have to say about that: Good lord, what took me so long!

Until Next Time.

Tracy

 

Finding Tracy

Snuggled deep within my comforter, I could feel the warmth of the morning sun lightly touching my face urging me to awake and embrace it’s lovely light. It’s honey tone hues were bouncing magically throughout my bedroom casting an ethereal glow all around me and I finally succumbed to its beckoning.

My better half had long since left for his Saturday shift at work, and my little pooch was sitting idly by the bed thumping his happy tail waiting for the moment his lazy mother would emerge to give him that much needed love that he craved each and every morning.

With a pitter patter of my feet on the cold hardwood floors, I wandered my way down to the living room and threw open the blinds to embrace the morning light. There in all its glory was life, simple and ample in my garden. From insects on their daily breakfast quest, to dragonflies swooping in and out of my bird bath, to hummingbirds diving at each other in a power struggle over the abundance of nectar that oozed from every corner of my flower filled yard.

I felt a peaceful solitude awash over me and in my never ending craziness of romanticizing every moment of my life, I slipped a pair of shoes on and wandered out amongst my garden and stood beneath the vibrancy of my purple locust trees and closed my eyes.

With my senses heightened, I let nature take over and for a mere moment, I felt the faint vibration and reverberation of a hummingbird’s wing not far from my face, I inhaled the sweet scent of the very last of my honeysuckle as it filled my senses with an inexplicable nostalgia whilst the perfumed cool air of the lingering lavender made me yawn uncontrollably out loud for all ears to hear.

I slowly opened my eyes and absorbed the beautiful brilliancy surrounding me, kicked off my shoes and sunk my feet into the cold wet earth and walked across the dew ridden grass and let out a long deep sigh. As I looked up into the vast blueness of the mid morning sky, I knew at that moment I was finally experiencing joy within my happiness. And for the first time in many many years, I realized that I had finally found Tracy.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

PASSION FOUND!

It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was wandering aimlessly around my neighbourhood screeching, calling, sobbing and searching for my Passion. I pleaded for her return and spent countless hours nailing up posters all around the town with a reward if found. The only things that contacted me were Self Dwelling, Self Indulgence and Self Serving whom happily offered to become a permanent part of my life, and all of which I luckily had turned down. Passion you see, had skipped town, and rightfully so. She had tired of me and my lacklustre shine and found another more worthy of her gifts.

I was at a loss and I had become lost. Without her, I was just a shell of a former girl I once knew as Tracy.

I had all but given up on Passion and found myself at a quandary and crossroads in life drinking my sorrows away with yet another whipped cream-filled hot chocolate, that was heavy on the whipped cream, light on the actual drink. I sat there one day sobbing over Passion when I came to the realization that I could continue to sit on my beaten up, dog smelling and man farting couch eating day old soggy-in-butter popcorn, or I could get off my lily white, cellulite stricken ass and do something about it! I have to tell you that I had a mere moment where sitting among fart smelling cushions at one point seemed like a viable option. Thankfully, I picked the latter.

It started in January with a simple art course, that I sucked at, followed by intense walking to get my legs in shape for Italy, followed by taking a zillion photos, followed by friends telling me to do something with them, followed by my mother kicking me and my rather large ass straight into being juried before a selection committee, and finally, being accepted into an art exhibition!

And here I am today, a year later, a year happier, a year of new experiences, a year more adventurous, and a few days away from putting myself and my photographs out there to be judged. And somewhere along the way, I have grown. I have finally accepted that I am much more than that Average Girl who started this blog two years and two months ago. My life isn’t average, it never was. It was just missing joy. And perhaps excitement. Definitely adventure and confidence. But mostly passion.

And you know what, it doesn’t really matter what Friday brings to me at the art exhibition. The only thing that matter is:

that thankfully, my beloved passion was found.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

In her honour....

This past Saturday marked my grandmother’s 97th birthday and also the day we laid her to rest.

I stood there under the grey overcast sky with my family in the drizzling rain watching as MY mother read her tribute to HER mother. Gazing off in the distance in attempt to hold off the tears, I flicked my eyes in time to witness my brother laying her and my grandfather’s joint urn in the lovely marbled niche that was surrounded by a pond and a rose garden.

My emotions were slightly eschewed. It had been four long years since my grandmother went to reside in what would be her last residence, a long term care facility. Angry and lashing out over her lack of independence, I would find my feelings wavering between empathy, sympathy and annoyance during this difficult period of her life.

Born in an era where a woman’s role was that of a homemaker, my grandmother was a standout above the rest. A tall blonde beauty with lanky legs that reached to the sky, she was a mixture of loyalty and jealousy and of athletic power and fragile undertones. She was a basketball star, a shuffle board champion and a bingo queen. She could camp, fish and drink with the best of them, and at the ripe old age of 96, she never left her room without her makeup on, her glorious golden hair coiffed, her body impeccably groomed to perfection and adorned by her love of sparkly jewelry. She was a force to be reckoned with, even then.

I would spend a large majority of my childhood resenting her obvious favouritism of my brother, and would later come to respect her as an adult when I realized that she was most definitely born in the wrong decade. She was a woman before her time.

As the years passed, and so did my grandfather, I watched my grandmother care for each of her ailing family members, until one by one they were gone and she too needed care that was beyond her own capabilities.

I would have moments where I would mourn for her as I watched her wings of independence be clipped and ravaged by father time. Other times, I would struggle with sadness as I observed her fighting to stave off waves of dementia. For me, it was like a horrible viewing of an independent animal being caged.

I would luckily make it home the day before she passed away. And on mother’s day of this year, I would have my last visit with her. She was in a deep, rhythmic slumber and I would stroke her face one more time and tell her that I loved her. She would pass away as I drove back home that night.

Sadly, we were at odds for most of my life, my grandmother and myself. And while we couldn’t be any more different, I did love her. I did admire her loyalty. I was awe struck by her feisty determination. But, mostly I loved it when she cussed me out. Those awesome words: “that damn kid messed up my hair”, will make me giggle till the day I die.

In the meantime, I went down to the jewelry store today, and I bought myself the biggest pair of sparkly earrings I could find. I did it for her you know. I did it for the strong, independent woman that was in my life for 44 years. Yes.. I most definitely did it for her. I did it in her honour.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

A dream fulfilled....

A door in Burano
© 2012 thru her eyes photography

Oh yes, I know its been awhile.

I am a bit pooped to be honest.

Italy, was the trip of a lifetime, with memories in abundance.  In three weeks, I can sum up this moment in my life as follows: we saw 17 cities and towns, logged in a mere 200 hours of walking or more, drank an entire lake of water, lost 8.5 pounds, came home with glowing skin, blonde blonde hair and a raging case of bronchitis and had the time of our lives.

I got over the fear of the seatless toilet, and found the foot pump to make water appear out of the taps. I ate a large amount of pasta, and warmed up to the idea of mini wienees being served at breakfast.  I came back broker than broke, but richer in my experiences.  I loved the amazing history that oozed from every corner of italy, but realized that the beauty in the vastness of Canada was just as appealing.

I longed to sea the Amalfi coast and was a bit disappointed, but entered into Rome with no expectations and was unbelievably surprised.

A view from Umbria
© 2012 thru her eyes photography

I saw images that only the great masters could have painted to capture the untouched beauty, along with enormous disappointments like Ikeas outside fairy-like medieval towns.  In one breath, I had a spiritual awakening in the town of Assisi, and in another, I wanted to bonk the residents on the head when they partied in the streets till the wee wee hours.

I enjoyed the corniness of sitting in a gondola and listening to the serenade of an opera singer in Venice, and cried when I saw Michelangelo's David in Florence.  I had a surreal moment in a 10th century castle in the hills of Tuscany, and a real moment among the gypsies walking the streets of Pisa. I wanted to pack my bags and permanently live in Sorrento, and then wanted to run for the high country when I saw Mt. Vesuvius spew out smoke.

A tuscan roadside
© 2012 thru her eyes photography

I was amused by all the gum on the walls at Juliets balcony in Verona, and then my heart ached while watching the different pigeons with deformed feet only a block away.

I was blown away by the colourfulness of the Island of Burano and felt repressed in the dark brooding walls of Siena.  I was caught up and drenched to the skin in a thunder and lightening storm on the hill top of San Gimignano, and sweated like a trucker from Wisconsin on the streets of Rome.

I felt myself soar in happiness from the overload on my senses and then had moments where I craved the comforts of home.

I got locked in the Rome airport bathroom in complete helplessness, and then in other instances, I had the most amazing Italians take me under their wing.

The people were warm and inviting, the art was an explosion to the senses, the food was simple and flavourful and the scenery was awe inspiring and breathtaking.

I was enraptured, enthralled and grateful.

It was................... a dream fulfilled.

A venetian waterway
© 2012 thru her eyes photography

Until Next Time

Tracy

Ciao Bella

This is my last post for awhile.  Italy is not too far off in the horizon (in fact the horizon is getting closer by the moment).  And, I am looking forward to new inspirations!

See you in a couple of weeks.

Ciao for now.

Tracy

This blockage of a different kind...

No, I am not talking about my bowels.

I am talking about my brain. Did you know that my love of writing started back when I was a child? Yup, I was the "interviewer" for my elementary school paper and pretty darn good I must say, and then I became a contributor to the local high school annuals. As a teenager, my love of writing formed into the shape of sugary love struck poetry. And by the time I became an adult, it was put on a shelf, forgotten and dusty, and patiently waiting for that moment I would rediscover my love affair with the written word.

I would spend the next two years, here, writing from two completely different and conflicting perspectives of my life. From Tracy, the raw, emotional person who struggled with daily limitations, to Tracy, the klutz who often scratched her head, and sometimes her butt, in an attempt to figure out why she attracted the craziest scenarios.

I have to admit, that while most seem to have loved my crazy spins on my daily life, I personally was much more enthralled with the exposed version of myself. That particular form of writing seemed to take no effort whatsoever. It just came from a place deep in my heart and the words would ultimately pour from my fingers onto the page, almost like a portal had opened up and brought the best that I could offer. Often, I would find myself wiped, tired, sometimes crying, almost always emotionally drained and proud of those rare moments. I have to tell you that this is hard for me to say as I often downplay my abilities.

Writing became my passion, and I finally felt that I had artistically found my voice, kind of a connection to a desire that was tired of being suppressed.

Lately tho, I am finding the well has dried up a tad. I neither feel raw, nor have I succumbed lately to any embarrassing moments in my life. Everything has been moving along somewhat smoothly. Almost blase unfortunately. And I hate to even use that word, in case the fates strike me down with a big old fall smack on my rather large head in the middle of an intersection. But the fact is, I have had a huge reduction in pain, due to my regimental eating and walking plan and I have been surrounded in nothing but mind numbing, hair pulling complacency that seems to have turned me into nothing short of a boring old woman, and you know, it's starting to scare the proverbial sh*t right out of me.

I am at a loss, literally.  I suppose I am finally suffering from writer's block. And I am not liking it.

I suppose that I am just going to have to be patient until I am once again inspired, but I think that in the meantime, perhaps I should start perusing the aisles of the local pharmacy. Maybe they have something there that not only cleans out bowels, but cleans out cobwebbed, infested brains, because I have to tell you, I am not enjoying this blockage of a different kind.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

The Glow of the Crescent Moon....

 

Holding hand and hand, we ventured out into the darkness for our nightly stroll. The evening sky was painted in the deepest midnight blue and the sparkling stars were out and about playing their twinkling games amongst themselves.

The air was fresh and I could feel my cheeks being lightly touched with the blush of rose by the freshness of the first days of Spring. She was coming, that wonderful Spring, and her lovely hands graced my face in a soft embrace.

We wandered thru our quaint little neighbourhood that was so quiet that all you could hear was the evening hush and the Robin’s lyrical song marking it's glorious territory for the next several months of mating season.

Trails here and there, left by the previous owners of this once historical property, were now improved upon by the developers creating a woodland retreat dotted with snowdrops and crocuses and the beginnings of the beautiful face of the daffodil.

Up the road, not far from my homestead, was once the ancient apple orchard, now converted in to carriage-like homes with cobblestone entrances, giving it a quaint English appeal here in the heart of my home town.

Standing for a mere moment to soak in the vast stillness, I noticed the majestic maple tree standing there alone in the twilight. Gnarled by the years of growth and outstretching it’s magnificent limbs to the moonlight above, it’s appearance was nothing short of an image from a movie based on Ole Hallow’s Eve. Thru it’s glorious branches, I caught the glimpse of a slight purple haze softening the golden hue of the crescent moon. Two rather large stars fighting for centre stage shimmered beside it giving off the most magical vision that I had ever laid my eyes upon. I stood there in awe as I witnessed before me what must have been the muse for many an artist.

With my eyes transfixed, I found that I was mesmerized by the grandness and haunting beauty of the midnight sky. I stood for what seemed like an eternity etching the image deep into my memory. And as my eyes flicked down to my better half, I saw him gazing at me with a small warm smile, and then, he reached out, stroked the hair from my face and took my hand into his, and we continued our walk under the glow of the Crescent Moon.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

It's all Black and White to me!

A long LONG time ago, when I first started my baby steps into the blogging world, I was happily switching back and fourth from posting pics to goofy writings.  It was a happy mix for me that often confused the bloggers who stopped by for a visit.  

I had ones who just came for the photos and ones who just came for the writing, and then one day, I just decided to split it down the middle by starting my other two blogs that I could post photos and girly romantic things on, and keep Average Life just as a straight account of all my life's crazier moments. I have to admit, keeping up on three blogs is near IMPOSSIBLE!  

Anywhoooo, this week I thought to myself:  I think I want to post a few wee photos here and so I am!  You see my madness don't you, I am getting you all primed and ready for when I bombard you with pics from Italy!

So, after a year of having my camera, I finally located my black and white setting (which was so important to me, as I wanted to find it before we took off to Italy, I am imagining lots of architecture pics in b & w) and after I found it, I think I did a little jig right in my living room.

So without further ado and to waste more of your valuable time, here they are:

And this is what I am calling "The Daisy Series".... 

So original huh?

And here is one colour photo for good measure!

Hope you are well!

Until Next Time

Tracy

Finding my Pretty

Years ago, I mean YEARS ago, when I was in the blossom of my youth, I was a tad fashion obsessed, well as fashion obsessed as you could be living in the 1980's in a hick town without reality shows, internet and a store where you could buy both your underwear and your fishing tackle in the same aisle.

While most of the older town women shopped at the local Woolworths store for their yearly supply of the polyester/cotton blend wardrobe, I would every year save my money from my summer job and venture out by traveling the hour and half away with my mom each August to purchase my school outfits from the City I adored.

I felt glamorous in my teens and use to love to preen in front of my mirror and was ridiculously besotted with my once perky breasts and my wrinkle free skin.

A few years later, me, my school clothes, my perky breasts and my smooth baby face would move down to that City I adored and would instantly find out that I was anything but fashion forward.

It would be during this time that my thyroid would stop working and it would be many years before it would be discovered as such and I would spend the next 10 years packing on the poundage. My parents would go through an obscenely rough divorce that would see me eating my troubles away, I would earn a mere $6.67 per hour working for lawyers and be so poor, that I would spend the next several years walking to work with holes in my shoes, tears in my clothes and eating tuna and kraft dinner from the case lots sales at the local grocery store.

I would end up hanging out with other girls my age that were gorgeous and self assured and I would feel ashamed of my looks, and would view myself as the guppy among the starfish.

My confidence would be non-existent and I would spend another decade plus hiding under dark solid colours of clothing and feeling less than desirable and losing myself to that unspeakable nagging voice that kept reminding me that I was just a lump with eyeballs.

It would take up to a few years ago for me to realize that I was so much more than that. And even then, I would only allow myself to indulge in jewelry and purses to make my dowdy clothing seem a little more prettier.

And then this year, something happened that I can't explain.  I had a moment when I realized that I didn't want to go to Italy in my dowdy sturdy clothing.  I didn't want to blend in with the crowd.  I didn't want to be just another unrecognizable woman.  I wanted to be noticed. And as I stood in the clothing store, I felt this surge take over me and within minutes, I started to grab and buy everything that I could that was both feminine and beautiful.   

And then later that evening as I laid out all my new purchases on my bed, I did something completely absurd.  I took a running leap and jumped on my bed and laid among my new clothes, and it dawned on me at that moment, I was and had always been more than I realized, it just took me 20 plus years to figure it out.  

Thankfully, I was finally just finding my pretty.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

In a furious fit......

I am always appalled when I watch these *ahem* reality shows and I see adults throw hissy fits when they are not getting their own way.  

Let me pause here, because the first thing that saddens me in the above phrase is the fact that I watch garbage like that, and secondly, I *ummm stutter* may have fallen into that hissy fittin' group.

It all started yesterday.... *cue memory inducing music*

I had been on day sixteen of what would become 17 long days of another one of my cleanses. Desperate to feel better and more desperate to loose a dress size or two before heading off to Italy, I had yet again radically changed my eating plan.

Salads, salads and more salads, followed by apples apples and more apples and I had dropped a miraculous 9 pounds in 12 days.  Still eating healthily and definitely no sign of deprivation, I was on a mission (and still am) to see some results, but as I hit lucky day number 16, I woke up craving the inevitable.  Oh gosh, there it was, in my face, huge, dark and sweet, oh yes Chocolate was calling my name.  And it was saying "come on stumpy girl, what's another cellulite dimple on yer big ole ass, come on eat me!  You know you wanna!!!"  Yes, my chocolate craving was a bit of a hillbilly.

Earlier in the week, my better half was rushed in for some dental surgery which left him with a mouth full of stitches and a prescribed penchance for soft foods, consisting of ice cream, puddings, more ice cream and more damn puddings!  

For the first few days, his eating of refined sugary and fat inducing sweets, did not, let me repeat, did not in the slightest bother me, until the sixteenth almost fatal day of my cleanse.

I had done my usual routine which is to weigh myself in the evening before I went to bed (yes I weigh myself then) only to see that I had not moved one ounce, not one bloody ounce in 4 long days.  Frustrated and exasperated at the scale, my better half snuck around me and placed his long lanky frame up on the evil device to reveal that during his sugar frenzie he had lost two pounds!  Two pounds??!!!???  TWO FREAKING POUNDS whilst I remained stagnant in my belly and ass poundage!

While that boy walked around consuming a tub of lard, I had been sprouting lettuce for hair, carrots for teeth and cauliflower for ears and still had not moved one single line on that damn scale.

In what could be described as one of the worst hissy fits of my life (although I think my family would beg to differ), I literally ran down the stairs screaming at the top of my lungs "THAT'S NOT FAIR, THAT'S NOT FAIR... YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!!" And then I frantically opened each of my cupboards until I found the glorious one foot long chocolate bar I had received as a gift from my friend in Sweden.  And there it sat in my hands, beckoning me, calling me, lord it was screaming at me!  "Oh just eat my Tracy, I mean seriously, how much damage can I do, I am only half your size in height and way like 10 pounds, but what the heck, eat me girl, just eat me!!!!"  For two long hard silent minutes, I glared at that chocolate bar, I slobbered on that chocolate bar, I whimpered over that chocolate bar, I caressed it, hugged it, stroked it and lovingly kissed its wrapper.  And then with a child-like pout, I got up from the couch, and with a gentle tear rolling down my red hot face, I slammed it back into the cupboard, walked past my better half (who was now sitting there with a disturbingly amused grin on his face), flicked him in the back of the head and said "oh shut up" and then with a hearty slam of the door, off to bed I went at 8:00 p.m.!

Yup, it wasn't pretty, but I made it my friends, I made it through my first furious fit!

Until Next Time.

Tracy

Dear God, Are you there? It's me Tracy....

Hey Big Guy

Let's face it, you and I both know that I have always believed in you.  I know that you forgive me for not being the church going type of girl.  I have always been a bit of a nonconformist that way. Some people I suppose find you while sitting in the pews of a Church.  I have always preferred to find you in the simplicity and beauty of nature amongst the birds, and flowers, the crashing of the ocean, blue skies, vibrant sunsets and in the mere feeling of the dirt beneath my feet.

I am not sure you are aware, but I have always prayed to you every night, the same unabashed prayer I have been saying since my childhood dog died when I was 17 years of age.  That prayer never changed in all those years until last year when I stopped.  I never explained to you why I closed the doors of communication and I never apologized for it either. I probably should have. I suppose that I felt that somewhere along the lines that same prayer was falling on deaf ears, or that perhaps, you were getting tired of my same old song and dance.  I don't know, but I felt that I shouldn't waste anymore of your valuable time on my trivial thoughts.

You know I have always thought you were amazing.  I mean good grief the colours of the world are so breathtaking that as I sit here, I cannot even fathom the amount of work it took to create the intricacies of such striking things like the wings of a butterfly, or the stunning beauty of a hummingbird or how the sky at night can go from soft blue to hot pink and then burn into an outrageous orange.  I know you know that I have always stopped and looked around, observed and appreciated the breathtaking splendor of nature. Being a lover of art, I have to say that walking out my door every day, I get to view for free the most spectacular hand painted canvass ever.  Thank you for that.

I do my best to pay homage to you in my own eccentric way.  I have tried to be kind and understanding every single moment I have been alive (of course I have wavered on understanding a few more times than I like to admit), I try to help whenever I can, and I try to bring happiness to others as often as possible (admittedly I do pass gas too much and am a bit of glutton when it comes to pickles and moose tracks ice cream). But, I have to tell you God, I am failing.

This pain I live with is becoming increasingly unbearable and there are days when I wonder if I will be able to keep going.  I spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if I am being punished for some past life deeds, or that perhaps, I angered yourself or the fates in this lifetime and this has become my retribution of sorts.  Everybody says you are a forgiving God, so I am hoping the latter statement is not true. But if it is, I have to say that whatever I have done, I am really very sorry.

Listen, I know you are busy, but I wondered, could you please tell me if this is really how I am going to spend the rest of my life?  In this unyielding, agonizing pain because I don't think I can go on much longer. You see, I am tired.  I am tired of the throbbing, aching, sharp pains.  I am tired of popping pills, using ice packs, pain sprays and heating pads. I am tired of therapy treatments and doctors appointments.  I am tired of planning my sex life around a less painful moment.  I am tired of getting up in the morning and seeing if this will be the day I can actually go and have some fun, and find out nope its another one of "those days".  I am tired of trying to put my underwear on and nearly keeling over every day because my knees give out. I am tired of red swollen and stiff joints.  I am tired of no sleep and exhausting days.  I am tired God.  I am so very tired.

Oh I know, there are far worse people out there than me, and you know I say that every day when I get out of bed and can barely walk.  It keeps me going, knowing that I am not the only one suffering and how sad is that?  And I am so aware of the fact that this world is going to crap in a hand basket, and that you are spread to thin by all the ignorance and destruction from mankind. I am completely surprised you haven't thrown your arms up in the air and walked away from us all.  If it was me, I would have done so a long time ago. I guess that's the difference between you and me.

But I wonder God, do you have any time for me?

Can you make me feel a tad bit better, just a wee bit?

Can you give me just some moments where I am pain free and can enjoy life?

Could you?

Hey God, are you there?

It's just me Tracy.

A Chocolate Walk of Shame

Well it started off innocently enough, at least that is what I told myself.

Be organized, beat the rush, gather your goodies now blah blah blah.  

In essence, this is what really happened.

It was a glorious Wednesday afternoon, and I, in all my glory, sauntered down on my lunch hour to the town's chocolatier to gather up what would be some yummy delectable goodies for my better half and my mother.  I roamed around the shelves for what seemed like an eternity picking this treat and that treat and this goody and that goody and then dropped a substantial amount of money on the custom made treats for my beloved and my amazing mother.

I told myself that with Valentine's day less than a week away, that it would be best if I hid the chocolate at my office in order to avoid the prying and overly attentive eyes of that man that I call my better half.  Like the nose of a bloodhound, I could foresee my Valentine's Surprise going sideways if those gooey delish items were somehow hidden at home, as in all likelihood they would be snuffed out instantly with that ancestral Lebanese nose that my better half sports upon his handsome face.

This was, as it turns out, my biggest mistake.

By Thursday at lunch, those glorious chocolate were calling my name, beckoning me with their sweetness, taunting me with their rich flavour and I thought to myself (or perhaps justified to myself) that I had bought so much, how could one simple chocolate be missed.  I would soon use that excuse again an hour later, and again, a half hour later.  

By Friday, the first signs of my impending doom would be fully noticeable upon my chin where a now volcano sized eruption had appear.  You would think, or better yet you would hope, that the zit upon my face would have deterred me from ravishing the remaining chocolates, but no, sadly no, I would reach for another chocolate the moment I walked into the office come Friday morning, and again by mid morning. And by lunch time, the evidence of my devouring nature was circled around my lips like a glorious halo of oooey gooey velvety brown goodness.

It was obvious to myself and the multitude of empty wrappers by Friday afternoon, that I would have to somehow muster up my courage and open up my wallet to replace what I had so willingly sucked back in a mere few days.

By the time I returned to the office, I felt safe in the notion that the chocolate would be locked up and away from me for two solid days.  A sufficient enough time frame for me to forget those teasers, to get on with my life, and to devour apples in the same glorious way that I sucked the filling out of those damn chocolate filled treats.  But alas, I was tormented.  Tormented I say.  Tormented for two full days, dreaming and craving and dreaming and craving those stinking zit making gloriously filled treat temptations.

By Monday morning, I was nearly running up the stairs and drooling at the corners of my mouth as I burst thru my office doors like a crazy woman shedding her clothing off during a menopausal hot flash.  "Come to momma!!!!" the words popped out of my mouth!  And with no will power whatsoever, I downed every last piece within an one hour sitting.

As I sat there moaning and groaning partly over my stupidity, partly over my gluttony, and mostly over my serious lack of self control, it dawned on me, Valentines was the next day and I had eaten the gifts of love for the ones that I loved.

And as lunch hour approached, I grabbed my wallet, and with what little self respect I had, waddled my way down once again to the chocolatier.  And with a look of disgust upon the sales clerk's face (or just my guilty conscious taking over), I picked out the replacement items, and then did what every respectable woman does, I held my head high, handed over my money, grabbed not one but two pieces of free chocolate from the tray at the cash register, gave the clerk a wink and did the Chocolate walk of shame right out of her store.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

...the art of casting stones

I got to thinking today about the art of casting stones.  It struck me how judgmental we the human race are, especially since we are all essentially born with some type of characters flaws.

I had been reading earlier the different articles over the early demise of the now late Whitney Houston.  Far be it for me to ever write about the death of a celebrity, but I had made the mistake of scanning the comment sections of a few articles that were written.  I have to say I was horrified by the amount of sarcastic comments oozing off the screen.

I personally have never really been affected by the death of a celebrity, well with the exception of Elvis Presley and only because I was the same age as his daughter, Lisa Marie, and in my astute nine years of age, I wondered how she would fair in life without the guidance of a male figure.  Oh hell, I was just upset that she had lost her dad.

Often, when the latest celebrity death hits the net, or social media, or the media in general, I am one of the last to be shocked.  It's almost like I knew it was coming.  I, along with the majority of the population, could see the train wreck approaching and was just waiting for the moment when the actual collision, followed by the carnage, would occur.

So the death of Whitney Houston was for me, no shock at all.  

But what shocks me the most and saddens me to the core, is how we as humans are quick to step up on our soap boxes and bring out our almighty sword of judgment and withdraw our gift of compassion.

I don't know about you, but I can safely say that I am not without an addiction.  Hence my chubby little body and my love for fatty foods.  I see addiction in everyone.  Whether it's shopping your life away (and what could be considered my second weakness), exercising to the point of depriving your body of nutrients, drinking, drugs, hoarding, compulsively counting your life away, frugality, gambling, or counting bottles, whatever it is, we all have some form of weakness that we fight throughout our entire lives.  Unfortunately, in the case of Ms. Houston, some addictions are more harmful than others.

It's amazing to me how quickly we do things like jump on the band wagon to find a way to blame someone else for our own problems, or in this case Ms. Houston's problems.  But the fact remains, that in the end, we are the only ones responsible for ourselves, no one holds a gun to our heads and forces us to smoke weed, eat another doughnut, drink another beer, buy another pair of shoes, save every single penny, throw money away on a game of poker.  Nobody does that but us.

It makes me wonder sometimes, when will we learn to take responsibilities for our actions, but more importantly, when will we learn that passing judgment on others is only a meager disguise for what ails ourselves.

Hopefully, someday, we will learn that nothing good comes from the art of casting the first stone.  Sadly tho, I highly doubt it.

Now if you would excuse me, *ahem cough* I think its time for me to step down from my own soapbox.

Until Next Time.

Cheers

Tracy

...and then she was gone

It was December of 1995, just a mere nine days before Christmas that my mom, a neighbour and myself would trot out to nowhere to see what would become one of the most beautiful blessings of our lives.

Tucked away in the woods, in deplorable conditions was the most disgusting house that contained the most flea ridden, docile ball of fluff that would eventually widdle her way into our hearts and leave a loss so significant, that even now as I sit here typing, the tears roll down my cheeks like raindrops from the sky.

She would be called Maggie Mae and would become one of the greatest love stories of my life.

With hearing so intense and eyes so sharp, high strung to her inner chord, hater of most men and felines, scared of abrupt noises such as her own farts, where kisses were plentiful, and cuddles were memorable, from paw slapping you when she was hungry, to shoving her tiny butt into you when she craved affection, to jumping heights that would revel Superman, she was a wild child at heart and a contradiction on many levels. She was such a gift, our beautiful brown eyed girl, and a complicated sweet soul.

And while she was technically my mom’s little girl, I would spend the greater part of her life being blessed with the kindness of my mother in sharing custody. I would eventually move 20 minutes away and grieve the loss of being a part of her daily life. I would spend the next several years visiting her on Saturday’s and looking forward to hearing words like “Maggie Mae, Auntie Tracy’s here” where she would run excitedly at me and bounce back in a pounce position waiting for her treat followed by love.

Years would go by and time would move on, and she would live what people would deem a long life. But for me, it was not long enough. It would never be long enough. We often made bets that she would outlive us all, or at least until the age of 20, as there was no slowing down for the little girl with the speed and long legs to match.

We would spend her final year watching in sadness as her heart weakened and her health deteriorated. One by one, her usual habits of happiness started disappearing, from rolling on the ground, to barking at me when I went to leave, to pouncing in excitement. Her tail would wag less and her body slept more. It would eventually become apparent, that she was no longer well and a heart wrenching decision would have to be made...

Last Thursday, would be our last time with sweet Maggie. The last time I would kiss her. The last time I would hug her. The last time I would tell her that I loved her. The last time I would tell her what a good girl she was. The last time she would look me in the face. The last time she would kiss me. The last time I would hold her little adorable face in my hands. It would be the last time my heart would feel whole.

And as we reluctantly entered into the vets, she snuggled deep into my mother’s arms, and I stroked her failing body. I watched in agony, as she tried with all her might to keep eye contact with me after the sedative was administered. With my heart bursting into a million pieces, I gave her one more kiss, and shed a million tears. And just before the vet gave her the final shot that would take her from this life into another, I saw a small tear roll down from her eye onto her soft sweet sweet face, and then in quiet peacefulness she was gone. Our beautiful girl... And with her went a huge, irreplaceable part of my heart.

Oh Maggie, how I love you. Thank you for everything little girl.

Maggie Mae
October 22, 1995 to February 2, 2012

Living in Fiber Hell

Last year, one of my more brighter ideas was to cleanse my body of all toxins. I, after all was said done, quite successful in my, let’s say, cleaning house endeavours. My body, by all accounts, was feeling quite chipper. In fact, I would even go so far as to say elated with joy. Inflammation had dramatically dropped, poundage on my body melted off, my energy level soared, I could run up and down the stairs with narry an ache, and above all, my happiness quotient over the situation peaked me into an orgasmic state.

However, the downside was that I nearly gave myself an aneurysm half a dozen times whilst I struggled with the delicate topic of expelling my lady like bowels. Yes, I was painfully constipated and constantly concerned, as I said in a previous post, that my better half would find me on the floor of our bathroom with half a poop sticking out.

Somewhere during this process, I had made a dramatic discovery between the correlation of the pain in my body and the food that laid within the confines of my colon. When my colon was so clean that it was whistling dixie, my pain was virtually non existent. However, should my engine get a bit of a back up or plugged with sludge, well, let’s put it this way, the little engine that could, would start to suffer some serious internal combustion problems!

I knew that wheat had become my enemy, or better yet the little protein gluten contained within the wheat was a major contributing factor, and still is, to the pain that I suffered. I was at a quandary, or impasse to say the least. Without gluten, I felt wonderful, but plugged up. Without eating gluten, I was seeing stars on my toilet.

In order to save myself any further harm or brain damage, I spent the greater part of December and a bit of this month, traversing the aisles at the different local grocery stores on my quest to fill my fibre need sans gluten.

Surprising, it really has not been such a difficult transition from gluten to rice flour or almond flour. I have enjoyed my excursion to the sprouted wheat bread section of the local grocery store and have thoroughly enjoyed it instead of the genetically modified ground version. I have found the most gawd awful rice crackers and the best raspberry cookies ever, I have eaten bread that tastes like cardboard, and then ahhhed and ooohed over amazing pizza crust and tortillas shells, all in the name of living a gluten free lifestyle. What I can tell you is that living without gluten has forced me to try and enjoy the offerings of other grains, ancient grains, grains I have never heard of, grains that are impacting my life.

What I have also learned is that those grains work like a hot damn. No longer singing the constipated blues in the toilette, there are days that those bloody grains work a little too well. Now the food in my body is squealing in high delight as it exits my nether region like water on a slide.

In any event, I am definitely prepared to do what it takes to make my body happier, and well, let's face it, anything is better than living in fiber hell.

Until Next Time.

Tracy