Hey Big Guy
Let's face it, you and I both know that I have always believed in you. I know that you forgive me for not being the church going type of girl. I have always been a bit of a nonconformist that way. Some people I suppose find you while sitting in the pews of a Church. I have always preferred to find you in the simplicity and beauty of nature amongst the birds, and flowers, the crashing of the ocean, blue skies, vibrant sunsets and in the mere feeling of the dirt beneath my feet.
I am not sure you are aware, but I have always prayed to you every night, the same unabashed prayer I have been saying since my childhood dog died when I was 17 years of age. That prayer never changed in all those years until last year when I stopped. I never explained to you why I closed the doors of communication and I never apologized for it either. I probably should have. I suppose that I felt that somewhere along the lines that same prayer was falling on deaf ears, or that perhaps, you were getting tired of my same old song and dance. I don't know, but I felt that I shouldn't waste anymore of your valuable time on my trivial thoughts.
You know I have always thought you were amazing. I mean good grief the colours of the world are so breathtaking that as I sit here, I cannot even fathom the amount of work it took to create the intricacies of such striking things like the wings of a butterfly, or the stunning beauty of a hummingbird or how the sky at night can go from soft blue to hot pink and then burn into an outrageous orange. I know you know that I have always stopped and looked around, observed and appreciated the breathtaking splendor of nature. Being a lover of art, I have to say that walking out my door every day, I get to view for free the most spectacular hand painted canvass ever. Thank you for that.
I do my best to pay homage to you in my own eccentric way. I have tried to be kind and understanding every single moment I have been alive (of course I have wavered on understanding a few more times than I like to admit), I try to help whenever I can, and I try to bring happiness to others as often as possible (admittedly I do pass gas too much and am a bit of glutton when it comes to pickles and moose tracks ice cream). But, I have to tell you God, I am failing.
This pain I live with is becoming increasingly unbearable and there are days when I wonder if I will be able to keep going. I spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if I am being punished for some past life deeds, or that perhaps, I angered yourself or the fates in this lifetime and this has become my retribution of sorts. Everybody says you are a forgiving God, so I am hoping the latter statement is not true. But if it is, I have to say that whatever I have done, I am really very sorry.
Listen, I know you are busy, but I wondered, could you please tell me if this is really how I am going to spend the rest of my life? In this unyielding, agonizing pain because I don't think I can go on much longer. You see, I am tired. I am tired of the throbbing, aching, sharp pains. I am tired of popping pills, using ice packs, pain sprays and heating pads. I am tired of therapy treatments and doctors appointments. I am tired of planning my sex life around a less painful moment. I am tired of getting up in the morning and seeing if this will be the day I can actually go and have some fun, and find out nope its another one of "those days". I am tired of trying to put my underwear on and nearly keeling over every day because my knees give out. I am tired of red swollen and stiff joints. I am tired of no sleep and exhausting days. I am tired God. I am so very tired.
Oh I know, there are far worse people out there than me, and you know I say that every day when I get out of bed and can barely walk. It keeps me going, knowing that I am not the only one suffering and how sad is that? And I am so aware of the fact that this world is going to crap in a hand basket, and that you are spread to thin by all the ignorance and destruction from mankind. I am completely surprised you haven't thrown your arms up in the air and walked away from us all. If it was me, I would have done so a long time ago. I guess that's the difference between you and me.
But I wonder God, do you have any time for me?
Can you make me feel a tad bit better, just a wee bit?
Can you give me just some moments where I am pain free and can enjoy life?
Could you?
Hey God, are you there?
It's just me Tracy.
Tracy:
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that I can offer anything to make you feel better. I've struggled with religion over the years and haven't had any revelations. But if you haven't seen the movie "Oh God" or even if you haven't seen it in awhile, see it again. It may be a silly little movie but it contains the only philosophy of religion that makes any sense to me. I wish you the best.
This is wonderful. I have had many of those same thoughts myself. It is good to talk to God. He hears and answers out prayers. I'm not sure about the ask and ye shall receive part but I do know that He answers. It might be yes. It might be no. It could be later. But know this; God knows what we need better than we do. Keep praying. Peace.
ReplyDeleteThe best people always seem to go through the most crap.
ReplyDeleteI know life's not fair, but I don't know why it has to be so unfair either.
Tramadol. Can god send you tramadol??? If not I will. Please Tracy for the love of god try it.
ReplyDeleteAmen
xoxoxoxoxo
Oh darling lady. I so wish there was some way that I could take away this awful pain you are living with. You are so incredibly inspirational to so many people and despite everything you have to deal with, you bring a smile to so many people's day.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and I am so thankful for your friendship and for being in my life.
Sending you as much positive energy and loving hugs that I can and hoping that you are feeling brighter soon.
I'm so sorry for your pain... I really admire your courage. I'm sending good thoughts your way!!
ReplyDeleteDear Tracy. There are so many things about this life journey I don't understand.....and more than likely never will. I do believe in the 'Big Man Upstairs', however, I cringe at the many things which are said to people when they are going through incredibly difficult times. Why people suffer is an absolute mystery and seems to be so unfair. The less I say the better.....I reckon He's there and He hasn't forgotten you. Wishing you the very best.
ReplyDeleteTracy, you are such a strong woman. I admire your courage and ability to keep laughing and smiling through all that junk.
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs (very carefully, so I don't hurt you) your way.
And some chocolate.
Tracy, I am so sorry you are in so much pain and I wish I could take it away. I couldn't walk two days ago from blinding pain from pregnancy/birth and I can't imagine feeling that bad all the time. I know too many people who suffer from chronic pain and it makes me so upset all the time. I know that there are pain management centers here and I know that there aren't enough doctors trained in "palliative care" so most don't understand how to treat pain effectively which is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!! I wish you all the best and I love reading your writing so much. I will continue to pray for you. Love you!
ReplyDeleteMy dear, sweet Tracy. I'm so sorry about all of your pain. If I could take it away and give it to Charlie Sheen I totally would. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI so understand! Especially the part where you get up and wonder if its going to be "one of those days". Sending you lots of hugs and pain removing energies (it just sounds good but we both know if there were such a thing we wouldn't have pain!). Hugs and love sweetie.
ReplyDeleteTracey
ReplyDeleteI think you and I need to have a conversation in real life. I may not be able to answer any of your questions but, as a non religious/religious believer in the same God you are speaking to, I think I can offer up some support.
God is not mad, hate, or punishing you. I know this to be true. I have lived, a hard ,painful life both physically and mentally.
Let's meet. I will send you my phone number through facebook.
Thanks for the kind words... I really appreciate it xoxo
ReplyDeleteTracy,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry if I seem distant at times. But rest assured, I never give you more than what you can cope with. However, what I do allow isn't always easy, and sometimes I allow you to drift towards the boundary of what you can handle. Sometimes it is to remind you of something- like, for instance, that I am still here and concerned about you. Sometimes I use these moments to help you do something in someone else's life- why, just look at the comments you have gotten from those on the internet that love you. Not only do you give them someone to pray for about your infirmity, but you never know when your testimony might have the effect of bringing someone who read it closer to me.
Tracy, I know it is hard sometimes. And it doesn't seem fair a lot of the time. But remember I am more concerned with your eternity than the brief moment you spend on earth. Rest assured, I do love you and I am looking after you.
With all My love,
God.
Gosh Chris... I don't even know what to say, that brought me to tears. Thank you for writing that xo
ReplyDeleteAlright...CW made me cry with that one too...and really what can I comment on after something like that. I hope you find a bit of release and freedom from your pain. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIf more people prayed this way, we'd see a lot more people with real relationships with God. (in my humble opinion)
ReplyDeleteTracy, Im just wondering if you ever had a professionally done food allergy test in the last few years??
ReplyDeleteThese tests can pick up in the blood whats aggravating your system to become inflamed all the time. You will be surprised to know what causes the inflammation to build up! I gave my mother a book by Patrick Holford "saying no to arthritis" (His website is patrickholford.com to have a look at what he says.You can buy it on Amazon too.)
My mother thought the book was fantastic, a real eye opener that the doctors didnt tell her. The doctors put her onto steroids tablets that made her face look swell up like a football, she looked disfigured for a year. Her weight went up 3 stone, and she was seriously down about life.
Doctors mean well, but they only seem interested in how to manage the symptoms, not actually do something about why and how the symptoms occur in the first place.
My mothers polymyalgia and fibromyalgia is almost cleared up now from following whats in the book. (she still has osteoartritis in her back, which is from a bad car crash when she was younger)
If you haven't explored this avenue already, Try this book out. There's also a section about where to send off your blood sample to be tested for whats aggravating your system. I hope your feeling better soon! xo
http://www.patrickholford.com/index.php/shop/bookdetail/500/
Tracy, I know I have probably said this before but I would try acupuncture if you haven't already. It helps heal you physically, mentally and spiritually. Just a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteCW - wow that comment was beautiful! Have you ever heard of "conversations with God" - its a book and audio cds that is what that reminded me of!
I can't even begin to say I Understand what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things, each and every one of us ASK of the Lord.
HE HEARS YOU....and loves you.
but for some reason, this is what he has asked you to bear right now.
Hard to understand. Hard to explain. Hard to accept.
I don't know the WHY's.
but my faith is strong in that the Lord knows our sufferings on every level.
I pray you can receive some of those pain free and wonderful days.
i hope you'll believe the people who wrote in here that you're not being punished for anything. God isn't that kind of guy. i have no idea why people suffer. or why some people who seem awfully undeserving appear to have easy, comfortable lives. there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who gets which bag of life.
ReplyDeletei love you. i'm sorry i didn't read this sooner. i knew when it popped up in my dashboard that it was going to be a heavy one and i wasn't able to deal with any more heavy right then. but i love you just the same.
you matter. a lot. to lots of people. i hope it gets better.
Maybe it might help to know that Christ .himself shared your feelings. He begged God to take away the agonizing death that was to come, even though he knew He couldn't. He cried out to God on the cross and asked Him why He had forsaken Him. He knows how you feel. It's this flesh we struggle with, but it isn't our fate. As we were going through some very hard months, in between being mad at Him, I had to keep reminding myself that, " in our weakness, He is strong." He may not take your burden away, but He can carry you through.
ReplyDeleteI believe God likes these real prayers more than the fluffy ones. He's a big God. He can take it. Praying you get some good days and can feel God in those moments. Pain stinks.
Your praying to empty space. Try to get some help medically --- maybe a different physician, someone with a different view.
ReplyDelete