ITS CALLED WHAT.....?

When I was a small girl, I use to be mystified by the human body. I could not understand how girls ended up with things called boobies and why everyone giggled when they said boobies. Even to this day, I think the word boobies is just plain weird. I am sure that some man came up with that name, because a woman would have been more profound and used something like the juice of life or bountiful beauties or enveloping face snuggler, anything but boobies. What made this worse for me was when someone would call you a boob, I would continually conjure up the image of a head shaped like a great big boob, with two eye balls and a nipple for your hair! It was an image that took years to get out of my head.

Of course, when you are 7 years old and someone tells you something, you believe it. So it stands to reason that when a couple of boys told me that my “down there” was called a Regina, I believed them wholeheartedly. I never questioned it for one moment and I never once thought to ask my mother. So at the ripe old age of 7, I now knew I had Boobies and a Regina. Wow, lucky me!

Later on in the year, we were studying capital cities of Canada. I was horrified to find out that there was a city named after my who-who! Did they really call it Regina? Surely people must be traumatized to say that they live in Regina? I was just traumatized in saying the word Regina! I went home later that day completely confused. I grabbed our Atlas in a desperate search for a City called “Do-in’s Piece”. Obviously if they were going to name a City after my Regina, than it stands to reason that a City would be named after a boy’s Do-in’s Piece. Yup, that what my parents use to call my dog’s penis... the “Do-in’s Piece”. I scoured that Atlas for hours and could not find a city, town, village or even a street named Do-in’s Piece in the entire world.

I have to tell you I was not sure what to make of this revelation. Were women’s Reginas more popular than men’s Do-in Pieces? Things popped in my mind like, were all girls from Regina, when you became older and you were a woman did you have to move to Regina. What if you went to talk to the doctor and said I need to speak to you about my Regina, would the doctor say the City or your who-who. I was as close to a nervous breakdown that a little 7 year old could be, and looking back on it now, I would venture to say that I was almost in need of some serious psychological counseling!

Later that week at school, our teacher gave an oral testing on the cities. You know that moment in history where time stands still, well it happened to me during that test. It’s almost like I knew what was coming next, and before I could say “Bob’s your Uncle”, that damn teacher pointed her bony finger at me and said “what is the capital of Saskatchewan”. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, I had to say this out loud? Oh my lord......! I was the complete colour of the inside of a cherry. I looked down at my feet, I shifted uncomfortably, I pulled at my collar and said in the most softest, quietest voice that I could possibly muster “Regina”. “What’s that?” my teacher said. OH MY GAWD, is she asking me again? All I could think of was to just spit it out and get it over with. So as loud as I possibly could I shouted “REGINA”! I sat back down horrified, embarrassed and humiliated and buried my face into my desk and counted the minutes till the end of the day. Of course, the two boys behind me were in a fit of giggles and teased me relentlessly for months. I am happy to report that it was only half a year later that I discovered the truth about my Regina. I was kind of sad that there was no longer a city named after a part of my body, but in the same time relieved as well.

There are still moments in my life when someone tells me they are from Regina and it takes all my self control to not break out into laughter. I often think of those two boys from my childhood, they both have long since passed away in unfortunate tragic circumstances. But the memory of them lives on in a funny moment of my life. Besides, my who-who could have been called a Regina and you could have been born in Vagina, Saskatchewan!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches