HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

My forty second year of life is starting to shape up to be a somewhat body altering experience in many more ways than I actually want it to be.

Gravity has struck me at the most inconvenient time. It’s a time in my life where I am really starting to embrace the sisterhood of womanliness (I actually giggled as I wrote that because wasn’t I just complaining about being hairy the other day?) and now, I am actually enjoying, intellectually and mentally, the art of growing wiser. It is amazing what my brain is absorbing and what seems to be leaking out as well, and in all honesty, I am loving this new found wisdom and exceptional perception that my fool hardy youth was unable grasp.

Unfortunately, it seems to me that I have traded the perkiness of my body for the power of wisdom.  Things are falling down at an alarming rate and all over the gawd forsaken place.  My butt now walks in sync to the steps of my feet, my breasts are seeming more like hip waders as oppose to shoulder flotation devices, and this morning, I woke up to the horrible realization that not only do I have a double chin but there is something awkwardly dangling where my jaw line use to be!  Yup, I think it’s safe to say that I have officially entered into the “Jowl Zone”.  I suppose it is payback for all the years where I use to make fun of elderly women with their unfortunate folds of loose skin flapping in the wind.  And I suppose I made one too many jokes about their jowls being used as instrumental devices and now the Fates have decided its time for my face to play a few musical tunes of it’s own.

The wisdom of my brain is saying “it’s called growing old, just embrace the changes you weirdo” but the heart of my youth is saying “GOOD GAWD PEOPLE break out the vacuum cleaners and start sucking the danglies off my body before it’s too late!!!!”

And if that isn’t bad, I also seem to have awoken up with permanent pillow lines etched on my face (at least that is what I am calling them).  Oh the sheer horror I experienced this morning.  First I threw cold water on my face, and nope, they did not go away.  Then I stood in a shower with the water pounding on my face in the hopes that my skin would suck it all in and it would reinvigorate my youthfulness.  Nothing.  Then I pulled out the big guns and slathered on my “money back guaranteed” instant wrinkle remover. Five minutes later, I looked in the mirror and slathered on some more.  And as I was laying on my bed on my back admiring how my face was regaining its sweet innocence of youth (even though my breasts had silently rolled to the sides and fell underneath my armpits), I unfortunately sat up too quickly and was slapped literally in the face while it distorted back into the reality of looking like the beginning of a city road map!  Eeee Gads!

Wasn’t it just last year I was mistaken for the mere age of 34, and then only a couple of weeks ago, I was asked if I qualified for the senior’s discount at my local drugstore (although, I was asked this by a very bitter geriatric cashier, mind you).  So what gives?  And what am I doing wrong?  Have I spent too much time rattling around in my brain and nourishing it with facts and deep meaningful thoughts and new things to learn and have forgotten and neglected to spend time on my body?  Tis true, I am afraid to say.  What’s more heart wrenching is the realization that no matter how sharp your brain is, it can only go so far if the body is broken. 

In any event, while the wisdom of my brain is blaming it on my sheer lack of neglect, my youthful heart is blaming it on too much chocolate and not enough broccoli.  Maybe there is something to be said about the naivety of the youth.  Yup, too much chocolate and not enough broccoli, I like that, and that my friends is my story and I am sticking to it! 


Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches