Today I wrote this blog about my small bladder and my fear of public toilets and my need to pee at every 5 minute interval. Later during the day I thought to myself, who cares that I have a small bladder that pees at the drop of a dime and who cares that I have a fear of using outside public washrooms because I worry about bugs flying up my ass? And it occurred to me that this particular post felt forced. The thing is that when I started this blog, it was about self expression in one form or another. It was about my thoughts and crazy observations on situations and it became my place to post pictures that said something to my heart. And in all honesty, facebook just didn't seem to supply enough sufficient space for my rants! Seriously tho, I really had no agenda and I had no format upon which to build. I wasn’t writing my blog to teach something new, I wasn’t writing my blog to inspire others and I wasn’t writing my blog to discuss difficult journeys in life. It was simply about putting myself out there in an incredibly vulnerable situation, all the while letting the garbled mess in my head spill out onto the keyboard and hoping that someone else would be able to relate to whatever my crazy brain produced.
Lately tho, my blog has turned into this need to be bigger and better than what I am and who I am. At one time I was thrilled that I had eight followers and now I have 21 followers and a multitude of unknown followers and for some reason, I want more. When I started on this little endeavour, I was going to be happy if I hit a 1000 views on my blog within a year, but I hit 5000 in 3 months and I still compare my blog to what other blogs are doing. I had also noticed that I started to feel the need to post pictures for those who wanted to see photographs. I felt the need to post funny stories for those who wanted to laugh. I felt the need to post more internal emotional blogs for those who wanted to try and know the personal side of me. And I was starting to ask for feedback on what others wanted to see which is absolutely ludicrous, if you think about it. Because would you ask for someone's permission to tell you what to write down in your own diary? And now I have come to this place where I am not really enjoying the turn of events. I am in a self imposed competition and I really need to get out of it.
Somewhere and somehow my blog and myself have both become fishes out of water. My internal compass has gone astray and I can’t seem to find where north lies anymore. I have been getting caught up in what seems to be a blogging community built on the idea of visiting many other blogs and providing comments. And let me tell you, there is an entire large group of individuals out there who are really encouraging and leave the most wonderful comments, but still I feel this crazy pressure to land on each and every blog and make a comment myself. Of course, this is my problem and nothing that has been forced upon me but I need to step back slightly and re-evaluate where I am going with this online journal for the world to review. I still will participate in the odd meme now and then, possibly even tomorrow, but I am just going to slow it down ever so slightly so that I can bring some of the joy back.
In the meantime, I want to thank those who have viewed, encouraged, commented and came back for repeats on this very haphazard, eccentric, crazy little diary of mine. It has made an incredible difference to someone who was very insecure about this little adventure into the cyber world.
I will be back, most likely tomorrow with photographs, but this time it will be for me. And if you end up liking it, then all the better.
Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches
Lately tho, my blog has turned into this need to be bigger and better than what I am and who I am. At one time I was thrilled that I had eight followers and now I have 21 followers and a multitude of unknown followers and for some reason, I want more. When I started on this little endeavour, I was going to be happy if I hit a 1000 views on my blog within a year, but I hit 5000 in 3 months and I still compare my blog to what other blogs are doing. I had also noticed that I started to feel the need to post pictures for those who wanted to see photographs. I felt the need to post funny stories for those who wanted to laugh. I felt the need to post more internal emotional blogs for those who wanted to try and know the personal side of me. And I was starting to ask for feedback on what others wanted to see which is absolutely ludicrous, if you think about it. Because would you ask for someone's permission to tell you what to write down in your own diary? And now I have come to this place where I am not really enjoying the turn of events. I am in a self imposed competition and I really need to get out of it.
Somewhere and somehow my blog and myself have both become fishes out of water. My internal compass has gone astray and I can’t seem to find where north lies anymore. I have been getting caught up in what seems to be a blogging community built on the idea of visiting many other blogs and providing comments. And let me tell you, there is an entire large group of individuals out there who are really encouraging and leave the most wonderful comments, but still I feel this crazy pressure to land on each and every blog and make a comment myself. Of course, this is my problem and nothing that has been forced upon me but I need to step back slightly and re-evaluate where I am going with this online journal for the world to review. I still will participate in the odd meme now and then, possibly even tomorrow, but I am just going to slow it down ever so slightly so that I can bring some of the joy back.
In the meantime, I want to thank those who have viewed, encouraged, commented and came back for repeats on this very haphazard, eccentric, crazy little diary of mine. It has made an incredible difference to someone who was very insecure about this little adventure into the cyber world.
I will be back, most likely tomorrow with photographs, but this time it will be for me. And if you end up liking it, then all the better.
Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches
AMEN sister!!
ReplyDeletegood for you, you figured it all out early~ to me blogging is self expression. PERIOD.
ReplyDelete... <---see them all.
if it makes you feel good, do it.
if others find you, they do.
if you like chatting, ratting, raving, taking pics, etc., do it.
i have enjoyed what you share, the story of the old man crying has just stuck with me... i like learning, seeing, feeling new things.
i don't like self imposed pressure~
if you are here, or not here, just be sure you feel good about it all~
I've lost myself, that is why I'm attempting to start a blog (not so successful yet..still a learning curve). I don't know that I'll share personal feelings, and I applaud you that you are brave enough to let your feelings out! I just feel the need to try to communicate something, anything at this time in my life.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep reading, so when you feel like yourself again, I'll be waiting!
Hey! I just found you! Are you on Vancouver Island too? I'm having a nice visit here reading your blog and your pictures are fantastic! Ok, I'll go read more...
ReplyDelete