SEARCHING FOR JOY

Several times a year, I get this complete sense of sadness, loss and ever so slightly a touch of despair. Some individuals call it s.a.d.s. disease, and yet others call it depression. I call it a loss of my joy, better known as Tracy’s Chronic Pain Syndrome. Moments where I am in so much pain, that trying to locate my joy is next to impossible. And I spend the day questioning the reason why I am placed on this earth. Wondering how I can make a difference in someone’s life for the better when I have such raw painful days that stop me in my tracks. I wonder how am I suppose to leave a positive imprint on this earth when I feel desperately sad by limitations.

In essence, I question what my purpose is.

Being a spiritual person with strong beliefs in caring for the planet, I often wonder why the fates would let me live in a constant state of pain which limits my life and all that I wish to do. And why simple things like standing and watching my youngest niece’s soccer game on Saturday would leave me in chronic agony come Sunday.

I often wonder if I am not a good enough person and whether I am being punished for something I am unaware of.

I have actual moments of wanting to shut down my facebook page, close up shop on my blog and runaway. Lucky for me that I am so sore that running away is next to impossible, and what you would see is this stiff girl doing a whacked out hop jog down the road all the while yelling: “oooh, owww, ouch, good grief, oh my gawd”. So now for me, running away constitutes walking down the hallway and soaking in a bathtub for two hours until:

a. the bath water gets so cold that I cannot feel my toes or my boobs; or

b. I get so shriveled up that there is not much difference between the look of a raison or my butt cheeks, except that my butt cheeks are significantly larger.

So yes today is a moment of sadness for me. A moment where I would like to sit down and have a really good cry. A moment where I feel useless. A moment where I feel like a burden on others. A moment, just a moment.

The pain does that too me unfortunately. It drains me of my joy.

And today, as corny as it sounds, I just need to throw out the following:  "Oh joy, where are you today?  I miss you so much, that my heart hurts. How I could do with your warm hug and embrace. Come back soon as I am getting tired of continually fighting these painful days. And I am not sure how much more fight I have left."

I am so sorry that you have become an unlikely guest at my pity party for one.

At least, tomorrow is another day.  And perhaps a better one at that. 

And as pathetic as this sounds, I am going to buy some joy today, namely, the Cole Haan purse I saw on sale.. And yes, I know what you are thinking, because I am thinking it too. 

Thank you for listening.

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches