Soul Searching

I silently stand on the edge of my lawn looking beyond my corner of the world, past my neighbourhood and deep into the cerulean sky.  With resignation, I close my eyes tightly and feel the warm wind of summer whipping its magic around me. It scoops up the tendrils of my hair and tickles me lightly with them.  I breathe in, I breathe out, trying to find that balance and centre that has been alluding me of late.

I stand there for what seems like an eternity with my feet firmly planted solid into the earth trying to find a connection that will ground me.  I am not lost but I feel my thoughts wandering aimlessly around and away from me.  I chalk it up to being tired.  I am tired.  The pain makes me tired, my job makes me tired, and lately, life is making me tired.

Slowly, I saunter back to my house.  I neither wish to go in nor do I wish to continue standing like a lunatic in the middle of my yard for the neighbours to watch. What a crazy girl they must think I am.

Reluctantly, I open the door and instantly feel the pressures come tumbling towards me. They are so slight in nature these pressures, but they are there, like some type of omnipresence coming to engulf me.  They come in all shapes and forms and they require decisions, but my decision making skills seem to be on hold for the time being.

And I see those pressures more firmly etched within the lines of my better half’s handsome face.  With a self absorbed sigh, I turn away from him and proceed to try and squat down to give my little pooch some much needed love, all the while forgetting that my knee won’t allow me to do this one simple maneuver. And with an ungraceful thud, I fall to the floor, shaking almost everything around me and causing a bit of commotion and worry with my better half.  Sadly, I am a constant worry to him. I have aged him, I think, and somedays I yearn to be a better and different woman for him.

Later in the evening, I am without words to add to the conversation and I kiss the two men in my life goodnight and slip into bed where I can be by myself.  I push my thoughts aside and wish. In the morning it will be better, I tell myself.  In the morning, it will be better.

And as daylight breaks, I find myself wandering outside once more, digging my feet deep into the earth, praying for answers.  I am soul searching.

Until Next Time.

Tracy