THURSDAY TOOTS: And Women Who Pollute!

I’m pooped.

I am utterly exhaustified.   Yes I know, exhaustified is not a word. But early on in age, I did develop my own personal dictionary of words.  This is one of them.

I want to chalk it up to the weather, but I would be lying.

You see, I am so tired that I am at a giddy point.  You know that point where you get so absolutely goofy that you say goofy things and you act goofy.  You notice that people are rolling their eyes at you and walking away while shaking their heads and you just giggle all the more.

In fact, my initial post for today was all about how I inadvertently gassed out my better half yesterday after I gorged on garbanzo beans for lunch, a “fart” bar for a snack, followed by turkey for dinner.  I started to tell you how I was so bad that my better half actually sequestered me into a room all by myself, opened all the windows and shut the door and told me not to come out until my “little problem” subsided. I have to tell you that I was so racked in gaseous pain that I was literally lying on the floor rocking back and forth whilst moaning and squeaking out, okay sonic booming out, noises that no woman should ever make!!! And what’s more, little did my better half know that my “little problem” would last well into the early hours of this morning.  And unfortunately for him, it was a whole night of me lying in bed *poofing*, followed by my non stop giggling and various versions of “oops, sorry honey”, followed by my better half jumping out of bed, fanning the sheets back and forth frantically and yelling “OH COME ON!”.  Makes me giggle now as I think about it.  And now you know why I am tired.  Nope, there was no romance in our house last night and I think I took our relationship to a whole new level for which we won’t be able to come from.  I even think my better half may require some counseling for post traumatic stress disorder. I have scarred him.

Anywhoooo, after I wrote the post, I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard that mascara was rolling off my cheeks right onto my shirt.

And then I thought to myself, hmmm okay Tracy, you are tired and everything is making you giggle.  Perhaps your lovely blogger friends may not appreciate, or find as funny, a post regarding 10 hours of flatulence.

So I won’t elaborate any further except to say that I am done with those “fart” bars.  I have fried too many nostrils of too many people from eating those darn delectably tasting, wonderfully yummy, butt burning bars.

Neither my friends nor my family look at me the same way anymore.  And I am supposing it will take years of me acting like a lady to undo the damage I have created over the last couple of months.

Oh who am I kidding, this weekend I am going to go to Costco to buy another round of them.  This time, though, I have thought ahead:  I will hide them, eat them in secret and just blame the stench on my dog!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches

COCKTAIL HOUR: I’ll have another round bartender

It’s been a day for myself and my family while we deal with an ailing family member.

So too selfishly cheer myself up, I have declared today “COCKTAIL HOUR”....

And you know what that means my darlings...

It’s time for a virtual drinky pooh or perhaps two.

And as I down my first lovely Apple Martini of the night and I get that flush to my cheeks and my ears, I giggle ever so slightly as I reminisce about my 20's and all the wild moments I had. Always pegged as the good girl, I love to think of my "not so good girl" years.

And just as I am deep into my memories, a very tall, handsome stranger sits down beside me and says:

“Hello gorgeous, did anyone tell you that your baby blues could bring a man to his knees?”

I think, oh hell, couldn’t you come up with a better line than that. And then I think to myself, who cares, he’s gorgeous. Suck it all back woman!

So I girlishly giggle and outrageously batt my baby blues to make a point and say in my best soft cooing voice:

“Why of course, and why wouldn’t you fall to your knees in my presence. I am after all the woman of your fantasies....but then again I am EVERY man's fantasy.”

He throws his head back in a deep throaty laugh and then turns to me and smiles that sly cheshire cat smile that says he could eat me up in one sitting. And just staring at him and his dark sensual brooding good looks propels me into a hot flash, and then he says:

“I heard your mischievous giggle from where I was sitting and wondered what you found so amusing?"

I can’t help myself, but I want to divulge little secrets I have told so very few. But I don’t want to blow my good girl image, an image I have cultivated for so many years.

And then he says:

“C’mon beautiful, share just three of your most intimate secrets.”

And I think, what the hell, I will never see him again and as I whisper them so that the bartender cannot hear, I watch for his reaction.

Stunned, he says:

“Oh you good girls, you make a man weep for more.”

“I know” says me “and I like it that way”.

And then I get up, pay my tab and leave, but not before I give him one more head toss and look up from under my eye lashes.

He sighs, downs his drink in one shot, looks around for his next opportunity and spies you.

And then in his most huskiest voice, he turns his full attention onto You and asks you to share three of your most intimate secrets...

And you say:

A FADING BEAUTY

A flower's appeal is in its contradictions - so delicate in form yet strong in fragrance, so small in size yet big in beauty, so short in life yet long on effect. ~Terri Guillemets

Time to close your eyes little one 

and go to sleep for the winter.

Until we meet again in the Spring,

I'll dream of your beauty.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

TO AWARD OR NOT TO AWARD... that is the question

I am having a dilemma my friends... In fact, I would call it a crisis of my conscience and I am left trying to sort out what to do next. 

It’s to do with these blog awards that are going around.

Several weeks back, Cinderita and Frisky Virgin awarded me both with a Blog with Substance Award and then the following week, the delightful Frisky Virgin gave me another one entitled One Lovely Blog Award.  It goes without saying that I was thrilled, not because, I was walking the red carpet and receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award, but the fact that two people considered my blog worthy enough to mention me and add my link on their blog.  Basically, in this act of kindness, they brought traffic to my blog without me lifting one single finger on the keyboard.

I did my thing and graciously accepted and followed the instructions and then I posted my blog with a list of 10 deserving blogs (in my opinion all are deserving) that had inspired me in one capacity or another.  Imagine my surprise when only  three responded, two of which sort of declined the award, for good reason.  You see they found it a lot of work to accept this acknowledgment, and let’s be honest, it is.  Without a doubt, it takes a lot of time to acknowledge them.  You say thank you, then write a post answering a series of questions about yourself and then you must link 10 new blogs onto your post.  And if you are like me with an iMac, for some reason you cannot just copy and paste other blogger’s URL.  So physically, I had to go to 10 different sites and write down 10 different site addresses and then type the links in.  By the time, I had completed the post it was almost two hours later.  Not that I am complaining, just that I am understanding.

I will say that I was neither disappointed nor angry that no one really wanted to accept my acknowledgment of their blog.  Why should I be?  I mean who am I to you, and really do you care what I think of your blog?  Because I am just a person on the other side of the computer who is, in fact, in awe with the many fabulous people I have met thru blogging. In fact, I could be fairly crazy, so do you actually want an acknowledgment from a person who could or could not be posting this from some padded white cell?  Mwaaa haaa haaa!  

In all seriousness, I suppose what I am really trying to say is that most likely when you started blogging, you were probably much like me, unaware of these blog awards and that wasn't your purpose for blogging, although a definite lovely perk. But, I completely understand the work and time involved. And mostly, I understand that everyone's life is hectic and stressful in one capacity or another and would like to post their thoughts and move on for the day.  You know blogging could be a full time job, if you let it be. 

But after much consideration of the above, I found that I was in a serious dilemma, as I received four more blog awards.  One from the lovely Martha Ruth at A Real (Upstate) NY Housewife called Life is Good, and three more, the Stylish Blogger, Versatile Blogger and One Lovely blog from the fabulous girls over at Leggings are not Pants.  And you know, I was thrilled all over again by the thoughtfulness of these individuals.

I wanted to post these lovely acknowledgments on my blog but I did not want to follow the instructions due to the very luke warm response I received from my previous post.  I suppose I am a little gun shy now.

So after much consideration, and hopefully no insult to anyone, here is what I finally decided to do and I hope you will still love me after this:

I have decided to accept these wonderful acknowledgments from these absolutely lovely blogger friends, because you took the time to think of me, to add me on your blog and to create a link to my site, for which I am forever grateful and I think you are amazingly wonderful.

I will however not be passing it on due to the lack of response the last time around.  I want to be respectful of the ones who acknowledged me, and respectful of the ones who are not interested and I hope that everyone will be okay with this decision.

I will also say that whether I have one follower or a thousand followers, I will always and I mean always be grateful to anyone who took the time to acknowledge my blog.  You are kind beyond words and you make my life better so Thank You.

From my heart to yours.

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches

GIVING THANKS

Sometimes, it is important, for me, to stop and give thanks for those things that have affected my life in the past year.  Being that I am Canadian, this weekend is Thanksgiving and I thought it would be most appropriate to express my gratitude today:

And I am incredibly thankful for the following:

• That I do not have Lupus after all;
• For all the wonderful amazing people who stuck thru with me during the 7 months of testing with their kind words, thoughtfulness and supportiveness;
• My little pooch, who makes me smile every day of my life;
• My mother who makes me giggle constantly and is by all accounts the very best of friends one girl could have;
• My better half who holds my hand, strokes my hair and loves me for all my imperfection;
• Having a good job in such a rough economy;
• Bubble baths and good books;
• Summer evenings of dancing under the stars with my Ipod blasted;
• Long drives down winding roads;
• The sounds and smells of the ocean;
• Blue skies and lyrical little birds;
• This amazing ever changing art canvass that we get to live on;
• Life as I know it;
• Love as I feel it; and
• You!
• Ah Yes, Most Definitely You....

Thank you for being a part of my life!

And a Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian Co-harts wherever you may reside!

This weekend I am linking up to Seasonal Sundays and thank the The Tablescaper for hosting same.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

FREAKY FRIDAY: Things that go bump in the day?

Did I ever mention that I work in a haunted building.  Yup, that's right. Haunted in all its spooky glory. Once a Church, the beautiful heritage building with gorgeous outside architecture that I reside in five days a week has been converted into two offices. The first floor is occupied by gynaecologists and pediatricians and the second floor is occupied by my Company.

I am an outpost or a sub office to a larger Corporation, and approximately 4 out of 5 days a week, I wander the nine room office and long hallways by myself.

With it's screaming 70's interior decor, it says anything but spooky until...............

YOU ARE BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, several times a week, the doctors office closes early and I am locked within this spirit wandering vortex all by my lonesome! Perhaps the first thing that enters your mind is that my imagination is running wild with thoughts of being on my own.  But take into consideration that not only have I witnessed many mysterious things happening while the building is in full bloom operation, but the staff down in the doctors office has been exposed too many a ghostly incident themselves.

Take yesterday for example *cue eery music*.  I had wandered into the office and flicked on all the lights and when I entered the photocopy room, I was smacked in the face with a chilling view.  A funny poster that has resided on the wall for ten years above the photocopier and being held by two thumb tacks in the upper corners, was waving in the wind.  Except, there was no wind. Literally for an hour, the bottom of the poster flew up and straight outwards where it held perfection position. When I walked over to it and pulled it down against the wall, the two corners were still coming up from the bottom with a force that felt like it was being pulled. There is no explanation as A) our central heating vents are up in the ceiling and air would be coming down at it as oppose to coming from the floor and pushing the poster up;  B) the heating system wasn't on in any event and C) there was no draft anywhere to be found.

I like to say that this is the first time something strange has happened, but I would be lying.  Several years ago, I came into find a light bulb smashed on my seat.  Ironically, all six light bulbs were still in the track lighting above.  Hmmmmmm........

Quite often I will hear children running up the stairwell with soft, strange, distant-like giggles and then my spring loaded door that requires some strength to open, will open on its own very very slowly, kind of like someone is peeking in. But low and behold no one is there, and then when I walk to the door, it shuts with full force like someone has used their entire body strength to push against the spring loaded mechanism.

On the weekends, when everything is locked up tight, I will hear people running up and down the stairs numerous times and when I open the door quickly, surprise surprise there is no one there, no one in the foyer and the building is still locked up tight with no doctors working.

Quite often I will hear my name said ever so softly, almost like it is being whispered behind the back of my head.  Many times I will be typing and the hair will stand up on my neck like someone is behind me.

And I am not the only one affected by these events either.  Take the office manager working down below in the doctors office.  She comes in at 6:30 am every morning to work and what she hears is best described as a veritable buffet of bone chilling sounds.  She regularly has her hearing assaulted by noises  best described as sounds of people walking thru our office above her some two and half hours before I open the office doors. She can hear filing cabinets opening and closing and sometimes she will hear running down the hallways of my office with doors slamming.  I have to be honest, even with all that has happened to me over the years, I had somewhat questioned what she heard until two years ago.  The doctors office had been closed for two hours earlier and looking thru their glass doors you could see that their office was in complete blackness. I had locked up our office and alarmed the system, walked down the stairs to the foyer and was staring out the window waiting for my better half when, out of nowhere, and stunning me into complete silence, I heard *LARGE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS RUNNING* above me, followed by a *SLAM* of one of our filing cabinet shelfs, followed by another *SLAM* of one of our interior office doors, followed by *MORE RUNNING*.  Lordy, I still get chills even now when I think about it, and let's just say that I felt like Shaggy and Scooby Doo as I literally ran straight thru that locked front door to get outside and seek solace in the darkness and the rain!  You would have had to give me a whole box of Scooby Snacks before I re-entered the building that night!

Believe it or not after about a year of my *ghost* playing hide and seek with papers on my desk and my utensils disappearing and reappearing at lunchtime, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mischievous unseen sidekick.  I told her, because somehow it just felt like a woman, that I knew she was there and I was sorry she was trapped and that I wasn't ignoring her but that I had to get my job done.  Ironically, the little talk helped and things quieted down until of course yesterday.

I suppose in my heart, she just does these little things every once in awhile to remind me that she is still there, and while I no longer feel ill at ease, she still can make the hair stand up on my neck every now and then.

Oh well, I kind of view it as a roller coaster ride.  Every once in a while, you need the crap scared out of you to make sure your heart is still beating. And yup, yesterday I can tell you my heart was beating hard!

Until Next time my little goblins.

Smooches Pooches!

NOT DIGGING THE DO!

Yup today was the day that I seriously considered shaving my head.  You know I often wonder how my hair would grow in if I did so.  Albeit, it would be devoid of all colour (as I don’t consider grey a colour when it comes to hair) and possibly none too attractive either. I must admit that as it stands today, shaving it seemed to be the appropriate action.  However, as I say this, and as you know, I have the head of all heads when it comes to size. And quite possibly, once that lily white pumpkin is exposed, birds would probably swoop at it in the attempt to use it as a run way, or worse yet, their own personal target for their little bowel excrements.  Yikes!

Ah yes, the joys of cowlicks where your bangs should be has been an issue for me for many years.  But today, took the cake.  After what seemed like an eternity, approximately 30 minutes, of adding mousse, blow drying and straightening the crap out of just my bangs only, I walked not a mere 5 feet before those dang things started curling up again.  Of course, having my bag of arsenals, I pulled out my weapon of choice: my super duper, long lasting, crazy glue substance-like hairspray from hell.  Ah yes, I was going to schlack that puppy down, and by the time I was finished my assault upon my head, I was coughing up a lung, I had lost a few thousand brain cells, created a small hole in the ozone layer and invented my own personal fly catcher strip, formerly known as my bangs.

As my day progressed, I started to feel the weight of my bangs upon my head causing this pressure and annoyance, so much so, I almost took the scissors and cut them right off then and there!  And then it dawned on me, in my quest to make my bangs submit to my will, the hairspray was so thick that I had unintentionally added five pounds to my bangs.  Good grief!!!!

And as I went for a walk on my lunch hour, a great gust of wind swooped up my one clump of bangs and dropped it like a sack of potatoes on my chia pet of a head. *Wham* *Bam* I was almost knocked senseless from the weight of my own bangs!  Not too mention, that several teenage girls walked by and giggled followed by one of them mimicking my bangs by lifting her hand up and slapping her forehead.

And then as I stood in my office kitchen with a potato peeler close to my bangs (because for some reason I could not locate my scissors), it became crystal clear. I have become one of those women *sigh*.  You know the ones I am talking about, caught in a hair era.  Ugghhh! Yes, when teenage girls walk past you giggling, it’s time for change.  And if I don’t move quick, well let’s just say that pretty soon I will be donning polyester pants and good “sensible” walking shoes.  Why even wait another 30 years, perhaps I should just cut it short, start perming it and colouring it blue now.  I see my future people and its not pretty.  It’s a short stubby blue haired woman wearing velour... Oh lord, just shoot me now!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches

THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

I have a secret addiction... well not so secret anymore.  I am sorely addicted to Atkins Endulge Carmel Nut Chew Bars.  Low in fact and low in sugar, they are absolutely marvelous to eat.  However, there is one small problem.  Okay, not so small.  One large and obviously stenchy problem.  They give me the TOOTS!  My mother affectionately refers to them as the fart bars and how can I correct her on this when it is so true.

I will try and save you the specifics, but let’s just say that within one hour of me eating one of these delicious delights, well my poor bottom becomes the human equivalent of a machine gun.  Needless to say, I have learned early on that I should only have one late in the afternoon so that the less-than-sweetly-smelling effects only affect my better half, much to his chagrin.

However, today I was plowing thru a project at work and was late getting out for lunch, and without thinking I opened up my drawer and just downed one of the bars to tied me over.  Can you say BIG MISTAKE?  BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!!!

Within an hour, my butt was cocked and loaded, and with absolutely no control, I started blurting out my butt rumblings at an alarming rate!

I ran to the photocopier room to hide out while I deposited my stinky onslaught, in the hopes that:

a. no one would hear; and

b. most importantly no one would smell them... Eeek!

And as I was there giving my butt carte blanche, I unfortunately could hear the recognizable steps and stride of my rather tall, long legged, boss.  Frantically, I started waiving my arms around like a chicken in the hopes it would dissipate the foul obnoxious odor that even I found offensive.  When I realized that flapping wasn’t going to assist, I started breathing, okay sucking back, my own odor in the hopes that I would have breathed it all in before he arrived. Choking and gagging, I was sure I had succeeded until I heard those words...

“Tracy, what is that smell... That is SOOOOOOO foul!”

Me: “I know I smell it too, smells like raw sewage.  I have no idea where it is coming from, perhaps from the doctors’ office downstairs?”

Him: “Wow, whatever it is, it’s horrible.”

Me: “I know, my eyes are burning.”

Him: “We should open a window” followed by him literally running out of room with a wrinkled up nose and a look of pure disgust.

Me: *sighing relief, followed by an uncontrollable outburst of giggles*

Ah yes, addictions come in all shapes and sizes my friend, they either leave you broke from shopping too much, laying on a street corner from drinking too much, in debt up to your eyeballs from gambling too much, or burnt butt syndrome from farting too much.

In any event, I am thinking it’s time for a less “lingering” addiction....any suggestions?

Until Next Time
Smooches Pooches

PS  Does anyone have some Glade air freshners?

COCKTAIL HOUR

It's cocktail hour, and you are all invited to my party on my blog tonight.  Wooo whooo, it's going to be blast!  The lights are starting to dim, the music is a groovin, i'm swaying my rather large patooty to the beat, and coming around to talk to each and everyone of you.

"Hello my blogger friend", I say mischievously.... "Welcome to my humble abode.  Would you like an appie.  Please do take off your coat and stay a while."

"I am serving Martinis tonight, so what's your flavour?" 

And while I am sipping my lovely chocolate martini, I start to feel a tad tipsy.  And you know what happens when you are a tad tipsy, you start divulging crazy things about yourself....like:

1. Did you know that I could happily eat a whole jar of pickles in one sitting?
2. I have a brown birthmark on the side of my face that looks like a teddy bear.
3. I dig dancing, in fact in a previous life, I am pretty sure I was the Queen of Burlesque!
4. I love to fantasize about every situation possible, gets my mojo going and makes my better half a very happy man.

Wait, I have to go and get a top up... Ahhh yes, that's so much better, now where was I, oh yes:

1. I have the hots for Colin Firth... I often pretend I am Elizabeth to his Mr. Darcy... Yum Yum Yum let me squeeze that bum bum bum.   *gulp down remaining martini*
2. I am happiest when I a lying on the floor being attacked by my little pooch.   *hiccup*
3. I make the book's character in "Confessions of a Shopaholic" look like she is from the minor leagues.
4. Once a childhood friend of mine told me that my nose looked like a mushroom cap, and I thought that was a compliment.  Perhaps, I was wrong? *tiny burp* (covered up with a lady like laugh to try and hide my lack of social pedigree)
5. I think I was rich in a previous life and didn't appreciate it so I am being punished this time around.

Oh looky here, I see that you have downed your Martini too, who would have thought you little alchy. So, it's time for you to fess up and leave me a comment and divulge 3 crazeeee things about yourself!!!!

Bottoms up and don't hold back!

SLEEPY SUNDAY

The mind and the body are sleepy and it's time for a little R & R.....

Here's hoping you find some peaceful moments...

This week I am linking up with

Seasonal Sundays and thank the 

Tablescaper for hosting same.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches