THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

I have a secret addiction... well not so secret anymore.  I am sorely addicted to Atkins Endulge Carmel Nut Chew Bars.  Low in fact and low in sugar, they are absolutely marvelous to eat.  However, there is one small problem.  Okay, not so small.  One large and obviously stenchy problem.  They give me the TOOTS!  My mother affectionately refers to them as the fart bars and how can I correct her on this when it is so true.

I will try and save you the specifics, but let’s just say that within one hour of me eating one of these delicious delights, well my poor bottom becomes the human equivalent of a machine gun.  Needless to say, I have learned early on that I should only have one late in the afternoon so that the less-than-sweetly-smelling effects only affect my better half, much to his chagrin.

However, today I was plowing thru a project at work and was late getting out for lunch, and without thinking I opened up my drawer and just downed one of the bars to tied me over.  Can you say BIG MISTAKE?  BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!!!

Within an hour, my butt was cocked and loaded, and with absolutely no control, I started blurting out my butt rumblings at an alarming rate!

I ran to the photocopier room to hide out while I deposited my stinky onslaught, in the hopes that:

a. no one would hear; and

b. most importantly no one would smell them... Eeek!

And as I was there giving my butt carte blanche, I unfortunately could hear the recognizable steps and stride of my rather tall, long legged, boss.  Frantically, I started waiving my arms around like a chicken in the hopes it would dissipate the foul obnoxious odor that even I found offensive.  When I realized that flapping wasn’t going to assist, I started breathing, okay sucking back, my own odor in the hopes that I would have breathed it all in before he arrived. Choking and gagging, I was sure I had succeeded until I heard those words...

“Tracy, what is that smell... That is SOOOOOOO foul!”

Me: “I know I smell it too, smells like raw sewage.  I have no idea where it is coming from, perhaps from the doctors’ office downstairs?”

Him: “Wow, whatever it is, it’s horrible.”

Me: “I know, my eyes are burning.”

Him: “We should open a window” followed by him literally running out of room with a wrinkled up nose and a look of pure disgust.

Me: *sighing relief, followed by an uncontrollable outburst of giggles*

Ah yes, addictions come in all shapes and sizes my friend, they either leave you broke from shopping too much, laying on a street corner from drinking too much, in debt up to your eyeballs from gambling too much, or burnt butt syndrome from farting too much.

In any event, I am thinking it’s time for a less “lingering” addiction....any suggestions?

Until Next Time
Smooches Pooches

PS  Does anyone have some Glade air freshners?