Gravity has struck me at the most inconvenient time. It’s a time in my life where I am really starting to embrace the sisterhood of womanliness and now, I am actually enjoying, intellectually and mentally, the art of growing wiser. It's like being 20 but having 40 years of wisdom and I like it! It is amazing what my brain is absorbing and what seems to be leaking out as well, and in all honesty, I am really loving this new found wisdom and exceptional perception that my fool hardy youth was unable grasp.
Unfortunately, it seems to me that I have traded the perkiness of my body for the power of wisdom. Things are falling down at an alarming rate and all over the gawd forsaken place. Damn the invention of the fully body mirror!
It seems that my butt now walks in sync to the steps of my feet and my once upright breasts are resembling hip waders more each day as oppose to the shoulder flotation devices they once were. What's worse is that this morning, I woke up to the horrible realization that not only do I have a double chin but there is something awkwardly dangling where my jaw line use to be! Yup, I think it’s safe to say that I have officially entered into the “Jowl Zone”. I suppose it is payback for all the years where I use to make fun of elderly women with their unfortunate folds of loose skin flapping in the wind. And I suppose I made one too many jokes about their jowls being used as instrumental devices and now the Fates have decided its time for my face to play a few musical tunes of it’s own.
It seems that my butt now walks in sync to the steps of my feet and my once upright breasts are resembling hip waders more each day as oppose to the shoulder flotation devices they once were. What's worse is that this morning, I woke up to the horrible realization that not only do I have a double chin but there is something awkwardly dangling where my jaw line use to be! Yup, I think it’s safe to say that I have officially entered into the “Jowl Zone”. I suppose it is payback for all the years where I use to make fun of elderly women with their unfortunate folds of loose skin flapping in the wind. And I suppose I made one too many jokes about their jowls being used as instrumental devices and now the Fates have decided its time for my face to play a few musical tunes of it’s own.
The wisdom of my brain is saying “it’s called growing old, just embrace the changes you weirdo” but the heart of my youth is saying “GOOD GAWD PEOPLE break out the vacuum cleaners and start sucking the danglies off my body before it’s too late!!!!”
And if that isn’t bad, I also seem to have awoken up with permanent pillow lines etched on my face (at least that is what I am calling them). Oh the sheer horror I experienced this morning. First I threw cold water on my face, and nope, they did not go away. Then I stood in a shower with the water pounding on my face in the hopes that my skin would suck it all in and it would reinvigorate my youthfulness. Nothing. Then I pulled out the big guns and slathered on my “money back guaranteed” instant wrinkle remover. Five minutes later, I looked in the mirror and slathered on some more. And as I was laying on my bed on my back admiring how my face was regaining its sweet innocence of youth (even though my breasts had silently rolled to the sides and fell underneath my armpits), I unfortunately sat up too quickly and was slapped literally in the face while it distorted back into the reality of looking like the beginning of a city road map! Eeee Gads!
Wasn’t it just last year I was mistaken for the mere age of 34, and then only a couple of months ago, I was asked if I qualified for the senior’s discount at my local drugstore (although, I was asked this by a very bitter geriatric cashier, mind you). So what gives? And what am I doing wrong? Have I spent too much time rattling around in my brain and nourishing it with facts and deep meaningful thoughts and new things to learn and have forgotten and neglected to spend time on my body? Tis true, I am afraid to say. What’s more heart wrenching is the realization that no matter how sharp your brain is, it can only go so far if the body is broken.
In any event, while the wisdom of my brain is blaming it on my sheer lack of neglect, my youthful heart is blaming it on too much chocolate and not enough broccoli. Maybe there is something to be said about the naivety of the youth. Yup, too much chocolate and not enough broccoli, I like that, and that my friends is my story and I am sticking to it! But, in the meantime, if you need directions to New York, just check out the left side of my butt cheek for road directions, there is a pretty clear indicator of which route to take!
Until Next Time.
Smooches
Oh the joys of getting "older".
ReplyDeleteThe more I hear about the forties and the physical, the more determined I am to stay 39 forever.
ReplyDeleteIt it makes you feel any better Ruth... I am pretty short, so my butt didn't have far to drop in the first place! LOL
ReplyDeletethat was a really funny post!
ReplyDeleteMy butt has already been inching downward. I can't even say the last time it could have been termed perky.
ReplyDeleteI really don't want to enter the jowl zone though.
A butt you can kinda hide with clothing, but with the chin I don't have a choice unless I want to wear a burqa.
You are so funny!! I am feeling this way at the rip old age of 33 so don't worry about it! Btw, Come check out an award I am giving you today - its a fun one!
ReplyDeleteYep, I learned pretty quickly that things fall down, move around, and the fat sticks much quicker. I made the mistake of looking at myself naked in a hotel room mirror this weekend and that was enough to scare the crap out of me. Ewww! What the heck happened?!
ReplyDeleteI'm turning 45 this year.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts. It really really does. 45. A milestone of an age. I think it's freaking me more than the 50 will. Because 45 is officially the slow crawl towards the 50. And at 50 you're so old you're beyond caring about looks! haha! I kid.
Start swallowing the glucosamine now, your bones and joints will thank me later.
p.s. I got ID'd at a bar 2 weeks ago, it ain't that bad...
ツ my cyber house rules
I just discovered you via collage of life and I have giggled all the way through this post. Thank you! I loved it, not many people can be funny when they write
ReplyDeleteSharon
My French Country Home
That would have been a really funny post had I not already experienced it all and more. (I am 66.) Now, I will just curl up and forget that I have still another birthday coming this summer.
ReplyDeleteYou are so cute! A sharp mind is far better than the other stuff--as this post proves, you have a mind that is as sharp as a tack. :)
ReplyDeleteLook on the bright side... Now you can explore the benefits of being a 'cougar'. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteAh getting older.....loved this post..I think the only thing you forgot to mention was the fact that your body stops growing hair where you used to have it and it starts growing little bumps and growths in spots that were at one time smooth and supple. Yep....that pretty much covers it!! (O:(O:
ReplyDeleteXo
Jo
Have you ever seen the movie "The Sweetest Thing"? There's a point where Cameron Diaz holds up her arms and says, "22" and then puts her arms down and says, "28", and repeats this. Showing herself where here boobs WERE at 22 and where they are now at 28. I've done that except it's more like "22/30....WOW. I need a Valium."
ReplyDeleteOh, AG. Why are we so scared to grow old? Like you said, there is so much wisdom that those of us in our twenties just don't have... how does the saying go? You don't know what you want, and you when you do, you'll be too old to use it. Best of luck. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and 42 was my hockey number. Embrace it! :)
ReplyDeleteugeddy buggedy. my jowly chin is already established. when i get my hair cut, i tell them to keep it below the line of my lowest chin.
ReplyDeleteI dropped my son off at Virginia Tech for his freshman year last August. Just before we left, we had breakfast at Hardee's (yeah, I'm a notorious big spender). After I placed my order, I was asked if I qualified for the"senior discount." Horrified, I barked, "No!" (I don't. Yet)
ReplyDeleteAs I sat down, it occurred to me: pride or no, why in the hell didn't I take the discount?
Moral of the Story: Embrace the coming of age. It's not like you can do anything about it anyway.
Any more than I can help getting my testicles caught in my sneakers nowadays.
Oh my gawd Al... "testicles caught in sneakers"? That is so not the vision I wanted popping around in my head. Oh my gawd I have been blinded!
ReplyDeleteThat's why I only wear slippers now.
ReplyDeleteToo funny! Both you and Al made me laugh out loud. I am truly looking forward to my 55th birthday in June as I will then be eligible for Elder College, a program most universities have. I will sign up for every course I find interesting and I will forget about all my wrinkles, sags, and grey hair especially when I write the $33 cheque for each course!
ReplyDeleteCrap, I am just two years behind you.
ReplyDeletewhatever. i'm 2 years older than you and i'm freaking out. but more on that later! now back to you, you are an awesome woman and all those "flaws" you see in the mirror are wisdom, courage and the essence of being a woman all in one! so own it sister and embrace the sexy! :)
ReplyDeleteYep, I'm 44 and both laughing and crying over this post. I'm short too, so my butt practically brushes the floor. What bugs me more than anything, though, is that my belly keeps fighting its way outward towards, I don't know, Botswana. It ain't fun, but I refuse to replace chocolate with broccoli.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
No, no, no . . . the proper diagnosis is too little broccoli and WAY too little chocolate.
ReplyDeleteWOW.. I feel so young now..LOL!
ReplyDeleteI know you didn't intend this but you have made me feel better about my birthday coming up in March. Still a bit to go before the big 4,0.
p.s my hubby says my butt looks great :)
Hello, I am new to youR blog and it's pretty funny. I've had a blog of my own for quite some time and now I found inspiration to keep on doing it. In the past I only had friends read it...but now I am branching out like a big girl. I hope you can get to check out my blog =D
ReplyDeleteBhaha! Permanent pillow lines crack me up! I was just thinking (in the shower) how if I were a super hero, I would want to be Elastigirl. No stretch marks, no saggie baggies, no butt flapping, no pillow lines.
ReplyDelete