STUCK IN DOWNWARD DOG

Last night was my third attempt to master the art of becoming a self aware, in tune with my inner self, at peace with the world, Yogi.  Oh I know what you are thinking, but yes, I consider this to be my third attempt.  Just because my second attempt involved me sitting on a stool watching the Yoga DVD and eating a peanut butter finger, does not mean that on some spiritual level I wasn’t involved.  Okay, I was just sitting there devouring the peanut butter finger and making faces at that damn serene Yoga instructor, but  I imagined that I was doing it, and doesn't that count for something?

After, I donned on my fancy schmancy yoga outfit consisting of a recently dinner stained tee-shirt and some over washed, use to be black, cotton pants that more resembled flood pants, and assumed the warm up position, I did what most newly formed yoga students do: I sat there contemplating whether to press the play button on the DVD player!  It's amazing how long you can stare at your ceiling in attempt to avoid exercise. After a few minutes (or perhaps longer) of debating the benefits of yoga, I pressed “play” and let out my first enormous “ohmmmmmmmm”. Perhaps, I was a tad louder than I probably should have been because in a matter of minutes the door to my sanctuary was wide open with my better half rushing in and asking if I was okay.  After I assured him I was okay, I made a mental note to myself to record my ohming in the near future as apparently I sound like cat caught in a vacuum cleaner!

I must admit, I was pretty impressed with myself since my first attempt at Yoga was much like a cow tipping incident.  Not yesterday tho, I was much like a Weeble.  I weebled and I wobbled but I didn’t fall down!  Yea for me!

After I made it thru the warm up section which involved twisting into positions and seeing body parts I had not looked at for years, it was onto the actual work out.

Now when a 6 foot, graceful, 20 year Yogi veteran goes into the 5 Star Point Goddess pose, she looks spectacularly beautiful.  But when that Yogi says “now it is your turn, spread your legs three feet apart and assume the pose” to a 5 foot bubble of lard, I can tell you the following:

1.    3 feet is over half my size, getting into a position like that looks like I am getting ready to give birth, or gawd forbid, go the bathroom in the woods; (oh how attractive) and

2.    If I got into that position, I would never get out, plus numerous parts of my body would be touching the ground, and I don’t mean my legs! Hey belly are you hearing me?

After a few minor adjustments like pulling my underwear out of my butt and stuffing the odd popping boob back into my bra, I had almost sailed thru the work out when the dreaded Downward Dog reared it’s ugly head.  After what seemed like an eternity in that one position (okay, a mere 10 seconds), I gave in and landed on the ground in an enormous self induced thud, where I  proceeded to lie and stay in a crumpled fetus like position until the deep relaxation part came on.

After the program ended, I remained in this position thinking (and most likely hoping) that the  bloody torturous DVD was done until I heard that damn, serene, legs up to my head, Yogi’s voice say: “Special Tips: If you can’t do the downward dog, perhaps try doing a half dog using the wall as support for your arms.”  Ummmm Really?  You couldn’t haven’t put this section on first prior to the program?

Oh well, I suppose there are worst things in the world then getting stuck in downward dog, me and my body don’t quite know what they are yet, but I will let you know when I figure it out.  In the meantime, i'm all about the half dog people. Oh alright, I'm all about the hot dog (with a bit of ketchup).

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches