THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

I have a secret addiction... well not so secret anymore.  I am sorely addicted to Atkins Endulge Carmel Nut Chew Bars.  Low in fact and low in sugar, they are absolutely marvelous to eat.  However, there is one small problem.  Okay, not so small.  One large and obviously stenchy problem.  They give me the TOOTS!  My mother affectionately refers to them as the fart bars and how can I correct her on this when it is so true.

I will try and save you the specifics, but let’s just say that within one hour of me eating one of these delicious delights, well my poor bottom becomes the human equivalent of a machine gun.  Needless to say, I have learned early on that I should only have one late in the afternoon so that the less-than-sweetly-smelling effects only affect my better half, much to his chagrin.

However, today I was plowing thru a project at work and was late getting out for lunch, and without thinking I opened up my drawer and just downed one of the bars to tied me over.  Can you say BIG MISTAKE?  BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!!!

Within an hour, my butt was cocked and loaded, and with absolutely no control, I started blurting out my butt rumblings at an alarming rate!

I ran to the photocopier room to hide out while I deposited my stinky onslaught, in the hopes that:

a. no one would hear; and

b. most importantly no one would smell them... Eeek!

And as I was there giving my butt carte blanche, I unfortunately could hear the recognizable steps and stride of my rather tall, long legged, boss.  Frantically, I started waiving my arms around like a chicken in the hopes it would dissipate the foul obnoxious odor that even I found offensive.  When I realized that flapping wasn’t going to assist, I started breathing, okay sucking back, my own odor in the hopes that I would have breathed it all in before he arrived. Choking and gagging, I was sure I had succeeded until I heard those words...

“Tracy, what is that smell... That is SOOOOOOO foul!”

Me: “I know I smell it too, smells like raw sewage.  I have no idea where it is coming from, perhaps from the doctors’ office downstairs?”

Him: “Wow, whatever it is, it’s horrible.”

Me: “I know, my eyes are burning.”

Him: “We should open a window” followed by him literally running out of room with a wrinkled up nose and a look of pure disgust.

Me: *sighing relief, followed by an uncontrollable outburst of giggles*

Ah yes, addictions come in all shapes and sizes my friend, they either leave you broke from shopping too much, laying on a street corner from drinking too much, in debt up to your eyeballs from gambling too much, or burnt butt syndrome from farting too much.

In any event, I am thinking it’s time for a less “lingering” addiction....any suggestions?

Until Next Time
Smooches Pooches

PS  Does anyone have some Glade air freshners?

COCKTAIL HOUR

It's cocktail hour, and you are all invited to my party on my blog tonight.  Wooo whooo, it's going to be blast!  The lights are starting to dim, the music is a groovin, i'm swaying my rather large patooty to the beat, and coming around to talk to each and everyone of you.

"Hello my blogger friend", I say mischievously.... "Welcome to my humble abode.  Would you like an appie.  Please do take off your coat and stay a while."

"I am serving Martinis tonight, so what's your flavour?" 

And while I am sipping my lovely chocolate martini, I start to feel a tad tipsy.  And you know what happens when you are a tad tipsy, you start divulging crazy things about yourself....like:

1. Did you know that I could happily eat a whole jar of pickles in one sitting?
2. I have a brown birthmark on the side of my face that looks like a teddy bear.
3. I dig dancing, in fact in a previous life, I am pretty sure I was the Queen of Burlesque!
4. I love to fantasize about every situation possible, gets my mojo going and makes my better half a very happy man.

Wait, I have to go and get a top up... Ahhh yes, that's so much better, now where was I, oh yes:

1. I have the hots for Colin Firth... I often pretend I am Elizabeth to his Mr. Darcy... Yum Yum Yum let me squeeze that bum bum bum.   *gulp down remaining martini*
2. I am happiest when I a lying on the floor being attacked by my little pooch.   *hiccup*
3. I make the book's character in "Confessions of a Shopaholic" look like she is from the minor leagues.
4. Once a childhood friend of mine told me that my nose looked like a mushroom cap, and I thought that was a compliment.  Perhaps, I was wrong? *tiny burp* (covered up with a lady like laugh to try and hide my lack of social pedigree)
5. I think I was rich in a previous life and didn't appreciate it so I am being punished this time around.

Oh looky here, I see that you have downed your Martini too, who would have thought you little alchy. So, it's time for you to fess up and leave me a comment and divulge 3 crazeeee things about yourself!!!!

Bottoms up and don't hold back!

SLEEPY SUNDAY

The mind and the body are sleepy and it's time for a little R & R.....

Here's hoping you find some peaceful moments...

This week I am linking up with

Seasonal Sundays and thank the 

Tablescaper for hosting same.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

THURSDAY TOOTS: Ummm.... Congratulations, it’s a HEAD???

Yup, that is what they said the day I was born. And while they were cleaning me up, I am pretty sure that they were desperately looking for the remainder of my body.  My “heed”, as my better half calls it, was so enormous as a child that you needed a microscope to find my torso.  I shutter to think of what damage this watermelon did to my poor mother upon birth!  It was enough of a head that she decided to have no more children! And let’s just say that I spent a large part of my teen years staring at this basketball of mine and decided that I would never ever attempt to pass one of those out of my body!

My mother tells me that I rolled from room to room instead of crawling.  Well no kidding Sherlock, I couldn’t hold the bloody thing up!  In fact, the best thing they could have done for me when I was learning to walk was to stick my head in a stroller while the rest of my body tried to maneuver on two feet!

And what is worse is that my head just kept on growing.  As a kidlet, I had poker straight blond hair and my mother use to shove my hair into rollers, and when she took them out the next morning, well I was sporting my own version of a fro. And let me tell you something, when you have a big head, you don’t need to emphasize it with curls.

Later on in my teen years, I was embarrassed when I use to join up for softball because there was no doubt I would be struggling to get that damn baseball cap on the noggin from hell.  Once it was on, I was afraid to move.  If I moved too quickly, that cap would explode off like a pop bottle that had been shook to death. *Pow* *Wham*... literally, in a blaze of glory, off went my cap, and if my head was angled just right, my cap could fly off and take an eye out.

Yes, you may think I am exaggerating, but I can tell you that my brother is cursed with the same infliction, and in fact, I believe one of his nicknames in highschool was “cabbage patch”! Why you say, perhaps you will recall the heads of those stinkin cabbage patch dolls... Awww yes, I think I can see your expression now, it’s all sinking in isn’t it.  The sheer horror.  You want to run away, don’t ya.  Oh I hear you, I want to run away too, but let me tell you, my head is much like a car accident, you want to look away, but you can’t!  Well people, welcome to my reality, because I get to see this car crash every day!

In my 20's, my brother and I decided to measure our heads.  Yes, we did.  And what we found out was that his circumference was larger, but lengthwise I surpassed him, albeit my double chins may have had something to do with that, but nonetheless, we knew at that moment we could never walk thru a door together as our heads would get jammed.  Ugghh!

Once I got an x-ray for a sinus infection and when I came out of the x-ray room, I saw what seem to be an x-ray of what looked like an alien’s head.  I said to the technician, oh my lord, that person must be straight from mars and then I chuckled.  She looked at me and said “so you tell me, are you from Mars?”  Oh good grief, that freak of nature was me!

The other day I was reminded of how large this thing on my neck was when I decided to try and don on my mother’s wedding hat.  A lovely little pillbox hat that would have rivaled anything in Jackie O’s closet, and when I put that sweet thing on my head, it just sat there on the top of my balloon.  That’s right, I couldn’t even pull it on my head by a millimeter, nope it was much like putting a plate on top of a soccer ball.

Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do about this thing. But I will say one thing, don’t be surprised if you see me on Ripley’s Believe it or Not, cause they have been trying to make me their next exhibition for years!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches

DONNING THE PRECIOUS MASK

I was perusing another thoughtful blog last night, when the blogger, Alessandra, posed a question on why it is that we feel so comfortable sharing intimate details to complete strangers over the net?  Realizing that this is not the first time this question has been asked, nor the last time it will, it was nonetheless an amazing question.  And one which I answered completely inadequately, I must admit.

Later last night, I got to thinking about her post and realized that I have a few people following me that know me to some form of degree or another, but that the majority of my wonderful followers wouldn’t know me from a hole in the ground, and I suppose that I kind of like it that way.  Did I purposely set up my blog persona as Average Girl because that way I could be anybody you meet on the street? Perhaps. To be honest, I wasn’t initially comfortable even using my first name, and I largely preferred to go by my pen name of Average Girl, as oppose to Tracy. Tracy just felt to “personal”.  Ironic, since I was the girl who told you how I let out the fart of a century while being in a public bathroom.

Alessandra went on to ponder whether blogging was a form of a mask that people felt comfortable taking off in front of complete strangers instead of ones they know all the while being safe behind their computer screens.  I thought about that long and hard, and for me, I feel completely the opposite. Like it is a mask I can put on at some funky cyberspace masquerade ball which allows me to be all that I really want to be and hope to be. In essence, the person that I have tucked neatly into a drawer in fear of judgments. And now, my computer has become a place where I can be invincible in the thoughts that pour out of my own leaky brain syndrome.  My blog has become as place where I can strip myself raw in front of you in  the form of my words and where you can really get to know me, but where my face in public would blend in with all others, and I would just be your every day average girl you would pass on the street. 

In reality, I really am a no holds bar kind of girl, but only with those I have felt safe with.  Here, you can’t see me, but most importantly, I cannot see your reaction when I talk about my better half’s butt rumblings, or the fact that my butt has dropped giving me a serious case of the wedgies, or how I have become the hairy woman of Borneo. I cannot see whether I touched you, or made you smile, but mostly, I cannot see whether you are disappointed.  Because, I am a people pleaser unfortunately.  And while I have tried, I cannot change that flaw of myself.

So why is it that I share so much with so many who have never met me?  Well the answer really is for Alessandra who posed the question: It’s my place to escape, it’s my place to find solace, it’s my place to throw out my dreams and desires and connect with others who feel the same way, it’s my place to throw away my fears and say what is on my mind without the judgment from those who know me, it’s where I can be me, the complete and real me.  It’s just about being me.


So now I pose the question to you, why are your blogging?

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

MONDAY MUSINGS: Little Moments

...of softness from my lovely neighbours' garden

Simply put, peacefulness and tranquility at it's best

And there are days that I wish for exactly that.

This week I will be joining Outdoor Wednesday 

and I thank a Southern Daydreamer for hosting same.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

A TASTE OF ITALY

Oh today was a day to snuggle on the couch and dream of distant lands. And as I settled down to watch Letters to Juliet, my mind wandered from the movie and seemed to just focus on the beauty of Italy.  Truly believing that I am an Italian trapped in a Canadian body with Scottish and Swedish Ancestral roots, I imagined myself walking down cobblestone lanes in a wispy flowing dress wearing beautiful little sandals with my long tresses gently flowing down my back with a golden sunlit hue surrounding my angelic face.  In reality, you wouldn't catch me dead in a dress due to my short and stumpy legs and my long tresses are more like a Chia Pet gone wrong (thank you humidity) and I am pretty sure I haven't had an angelic moment in my entire life, not to mention that most likely I would stumble on those stinkin cobblestones and do a face plant. And while falling to the ground, I would probably flash some poor unexpected Italian man with my granny panties.  Oh yes, I will take daydreams over reality any day of the week!

In the meantime, I am just happy to have this little piece of Italy found on my holidays within in my own Province...  Sometimes, you don't have to go far to find what your heart desires!

This week I am sharing my daydreams with

Seasonal Sundays and I thank the Tablescaper

for hosting same.

Happy Weekend to you all!

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

KEEPING THE FAITH

So today was the day of all days, after 7 long months of testing and seeing specialists, I was about to receive my final results and would I or wouldn't I have this disease that they were sure I had and that the preliminary test results said I had.  

Last night I walked on egg shells with my pulse rate racing, you know when you can hear the blood pumping in your ears, and I had difficulty falling asleep.  And I just kept repeating the same mantra over and over and over until I was ready to slap myself in the back of the head:  "Tracy have faith, Tracy have faith, Tracy you must have faith".  This has always been difficult for me simply because I have little faith in many aspects of my life. 

And while laying in the darkness of my bed last night I remember thinking to myself "why should I have faith" and just as quick as I said that a voice popped into my head "because you just must."  That was it, a simple answer to a very complicated question.  No more no less, I just had to believe that this was not what the fates had planned for me.  It for me has been a difficult and painful journey of 17 long years of never ending pain with each year increasing from the last.  I wake up with pain, I deal with it all day and I go to bed with it, to get up and repeat, and to be honest, I am tired of fighting it and have to say that at times I really feel that this is not what I signed up for in life, even though I truly believe that every hand you are dealt is for learning in order to make you a better human. But with that said, I have actually known in my heart that I just couldn't battle anything more because simply I am just too tired.

So today, I made the 1.5 hour trek to the Specialists office, who sat me down and said:  "well Tracy, you are anemic", well that is easily solved says me, "and Tracy, you do have a bad case of fibromyalgia" (I still can live with that) "and Tracy, we did fine osteoarthritis in several areas of your body" (no surprise as my mother has it) "but Tracy, even though your body is full of inflammation and we are not sure why and you exhibit all the signs of connective tissue disease, you do not have Lupus."  I   DON'T   HAVE   LUPUS!!!!!  And then I exhaled, a long, hard, purposeful exhale of 7 months of tension, followed by an energetic, unexpected hug to a very surprised Specialist, and I have to tell you that I wasn't sure who had the bigger smile on their face, me or him. And then I cried. A good cry.  One of those wonderful, shake the crap out of your body, doing a happy dance on the spot, wash the mascara off your face, big old happy crocodile tears of joy.

Ironically, it hasn't solved what I am fighting, but the joyful part is that it hasn't added anymore to my fight, and for that I am grateful beyond words, beyond anything I could ever express, and you can be darn sure that I thanked the Powers that Be for watching over me.

Later, my better half took me out after that and bought me this ring.  He calls it the "faith ring".  It is large, bold and strong and is ready for battle and every time I feel like I am losing the war, he tells me that I should look down at it as a reminder to keep the faith.  And you know what, he's right.  And while I have won this part of the battle, I still have to figure out along with the assistance of my lovely Specialist on how to conquer the war.  What I do know is what I have to say to this pain in my body:  "don't get too comfortable there buddy, because I am about to drop kick your ass right out of here!!!" Yup, I am! Whatever it takes, and when I am finished with it, it will be high tailing it right to the high country! 

In the meantime, I would like to thank you all for your kind words on my last post.  The comments were so lovely, that each and everyone of you touched my heart in a very special way.  Blogging is so difficult for me as my hands are so swollen, but I am going to keep up with it because you make my life better and so I thank you for popping by and visiting me.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches.

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MARKET

Do I ever tire of an outdoor Market?  Absolutely not......

Of course, I had to island hop to get to this one, but that's okay, because not only was it worth it, but it was filled to the brim, from:

Fabrics from Provence

To handmade wares

To "going green" shopping bags

To lovely jewelry

To scarves aplenty

To hand painted bottles

To fresh produce

To, of course, lovely fleurs

Ah yes, life is colourful at the outdoor market my friends!

A feast for the eyes that should not be missed!

This week I will be linking up

with Outdoor Wednesday and I thank

A Southern Daydreamer for hosting same.

I hope this week brings you a splash of colour

and moments of grand adventures.

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

MONDAY MUSINGS: Distant Daydreaming

I was pondering the question yesterday of why we all must go thru what we must go thru.  I was staring off into the distance wishing for a moment of freedom from the increased pain I have been feeling for the last two weeks. And then I flicked myself in the head and said "snap out of it girl"! Because knowing my luck, if I wish to hard, the fates will grant me my wish by assisting me in kicking the bucket... And then I would be standing at the Pearly Gates going "what the heck just happened?" and St. Peter would say "well kiddo, you wished to be pain free, and this is the best we could do!"  And then he would look at his manifesto and say "Oh good grief, sorry kid, but apparently, you don't belong up here, so just take the elevator to your left, and press the button called basement and enjoy the ride down, and by the way, you're pain free moment just ended as we have no guarantees what they'll do down there... sorry about that but have a great day".

Yup, that is pretty much how it would go...

So I think I will stay put for the time being, and in the meantime, I think I will just enjoy the view from my window. Increased pain or not, I certainly won't let it take those beautiful moments away from me.  And ironically, I suppose I should be thankful to the fates for my pain because it slows me down enough to allow me to be in the here and now and view these amazing, memorable moments.  And what a lovely reminder to me on how fortunate I am that every day I am surrounded in this unbelievable and unforgettable beauty, and for that, I am grateful.

And this.... is what I saw thru my window, what did you see thru yours?

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

SUMMER'S LAST HURRAH

With one more burst of colour, Summer has given it's final hurrah and left us to enter into another season of our lives. What will it bring us all... Only the fates know for sure, but I know, that Summer left a beautiful, lasting imprint on my heart and a feast of colour for my soul.

What did Summer leave you with?

Here's to "FALL"ing into love with Autumn.

Happy Sunday to You all!

Until Next Time

Smooches Pooches

FEELING FRENCH TODAY MADAM? OUI OUI MONSIEUR!!!

Oh me and my adventures. I never quite know where I will end up on Saturday, especially with camera in tow.  However, today I was feeling a tad Frrrrench mes amies!

And so I was off and on my way to the purrrrfect place to satisfy my love of scrumptious food and delightful surrounds with ever so slight of a touch of France.  It's this wonderful, way out in nowhere land, Market Vineyard known as Saison.

I love this place, and I suppose it has something to do with the ambience, or it could be because I love out of the way places.  Perhaps, it is because it has a somewhat pretentious atmosphere which I find slightly amusing.  The lovely French owner stands idly by while upper class patrons pretend to be up on all the knows of France from talking about making Chanterelle Mushroom Soup, to the time they were in Paris and "Oui, oui Monsieur, it was fabulous!"  He being the ever so kind proprietor graciously smiles in acknowledgment but all the while knowing, that if he could, he would roll his eyes!  And I like him!

I love his lovely grounds.

And I adore coming back with my very own pretentious little basket full of delicious purchases.

To the actual gastronomical delights that were held within:

From Chocolate Mousse

To warm bread baked with brie and pears

To Sour Cherry Tart and Raspberry White Chocolate Scones!

One thing for sure, I can assure you that I do not eat like a proper French Lady, and I was reminded of that fact by the actual woman from Paris who was visiting her grandchildren and who took a great deal of time to look me up and down after I made my selections.  I, of course, turned towards her and said in my most sweet Canadian way "Bon Appetite Mademoiselle!"

Until Next Time.

Smooches Pooches

This week I am linking up with

Seasonal Sundays and I thank the

Tablescaper for hosting same.

If you have moment, please check out

what others have been up too by clicking

on the above links!