THURSDAY TOOTS: Ummm.... Congratulations, it’s a HEAD???

Yup, that is what they said the day I was born. And while they were cleaning me up, I am pretty sure that they were desperately looking for the remainder of my body.  My “heed”, as my better half calls it, was so enormous as a child that you needed a microscope to find my torso.  I shutter to think of what damage this watermelon did to my poor mother upon birth!  It was enough of a head that she decided to have no more children! And let’s just say that I spent a large part of my teen years staring at this basketball of mine and decided that I would never ever attempt to pass one of those out of my body!

My mother tells me that I rolled from room to room instead of crawling.  Well no kidding Sherlock, I couldn’t hold the bloody thing up!  In fact, the best thing they could have done for me when I was learning to walk was to stick my head in a stroller while the rest of my body tried to maneuver on two feet!

And what is worse is that my head just kept on growing.  As a kidlet, I had poker straight blond hair and my mother use to shove my hair into rollers, and when she took them out the next morning, well I was sporting my own version of a fro. And let me tell you something, when you have a big head, you don’t need to emphasize it with curls.

Later on in my teen years, I was embarrassed when I use to join up for softball because there was no doubt I would be struggling to get that damn baseball cap on the noggin from hell.  Once it was on, I was afraid to move.  If I moved too quickly, that cap would explode off like a pop bottle that had been shook to death. *Pow* *Wham*... literally, in a blaze of glory, off went my cap, and if my head was angled just right, my cap could fly off and take an eye out.

Yes, you may think I am exaggerating, but I can tell you that my brother is cursed with the same infliction, and in fact, I believe one of his nicknames in highschool was “cabbage patch”! Why you say, perhaps you will recall the heads of those stinkin cabbage patch dolls... Awww yes, I think I can see your expression now, it’s all sinking in isn’t it.  The sheer horror.  You want to run away, don’t ya.  Oh I hear you, I want to run away too, but let me tell you, my head is much like a car accident, you want to look away, but you can’t!  Well people, welcome to my reality, because I get to see this car crash every day!

In my 20's, my brother and I decided to measure our heads.  Yes, we did.  And what we found out was that his circumference was larger, but lengthwise I surpassed him, albeit my double chins may have had something to do with that, but nonetheless, we knew at that moment we could never walk thru a door together as our heads would get jammed.  Ugghh!

Once I got an x-ray for a sinus infection and when I came out of the x-ray room, I saw what seem to be an x-ray of what looked like an alien’s head.  I said to the technician, oh my lord, that person must be straight from mars and then I chuckled.  She looked at me and said “so you tell me, are you from Mars?”  Oh good grief, that freak of nature was me!

The other day I was reminded of how large this thing on my neck was when I decided to try and don on my mother’s wedding hat.  A lovely little pillbox hat that would have rivaled anything in Jackie O’s closet, and when I put that sweet thing on my head, it just sat there on the top of my balloon.  That’s right, I couldn’t even pull it on my head by a millimeter, nope it was much like putting a plate on top of a soccer ball.

Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do about this thing. But I will say one thing, don’t be surprised if you see me on Ripley’s Believe it or Not, cause they have been trying to make me their next exhibition for years!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches