Hey Big Guy
Let's face it, you and I both know that I have always believed in you. I know that you forgive me for not being the church going type of girl. I have always been a bit of a nonconformist that way. Some people I suppose find you while sitting in the pews of a Church. I have always preferred to find you in the simplicity and beauty of nature amongst the birds, and flowers, the crashing of the ocean, blue skies, vibrant sunsets and in the mere feeling of the dirt beneath my feet.
I am not sure you are aware, but I have always prayed to you every night, the same unabashed prayer I have been saying since my childhood dog died when I was 17 years of age. That prayer never changed in all those years until last year when I stopped. I never explained to you why I closed the doors of communication and I never apologized for it either. I probably should have. I suppose that I felt that somewhere along the lines that same prayer was falling on deaf ears, or that perhaps, you were getting tired of my same old song and dance. I don't know, but I felt that I shouldn't waste anymore of your valuable time on my trivial thoughts.
You know I have always thought you were amazing. I mean good grief the colours of the world are so breathtaking that as I sit here, I cannot even fathom the amount of work it took to create the intricacies of such striking things like the wings of a butterfly, or the stunning beauty of a hummingbird or how the sky at night can go from soft blue to hot pink and then burn into an outrageous orange. I know you know that I have always stopped and looked around, observed and appreciated the breathtaking splendor of nature. Being a lover of art, I have to say that walking out my door every day, I get to view for free the most spectacular hand painted canvass ever. Thank you for that.
I do my best to pay homage to you in my own eccentric way. I have tried to be kind and understanding every single moment I have been alive (of course I have wavered on understanding a few more times than I like to admit), I try to help whenever I can, and I try to bring happiness to others as often as possible (admittedly I do pass gas too much and am a bit of glutton when it comes to pickles and moose tracks ice cream). But, I have to tell you God, I am failing.
This pain I live with is becoming increasingly unbearable and there are days when I wonder if I will be able to keep going. I spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if I am being punished for some past life deeds, or that perhaps, I angered yourself or the fates in this lifetime and this has become my retribution of sorts. Everybody says you are a forgiving God, so I am hoping the latter statement is not true. But if it is, I have to say that whatever I have done, I am really very sorry.
Listen, I know you are busy, but I wondered, could you please tell me if this is really how I am going to spend the rest of my life? In this unyielding, agonizing pain because I don't think I can go on much longer. You see, I am tired. I am tired of the throbbing, aching, sharp pains. I am tired of popping pills, using ice packs, pain sprays and heating pads. I am tired of therapy treatments and doctors appointments. I am tired of planning my sex life around a less painful moment. I am tired of getting up in the morning and seeing if this will be the day I can actually go and have some fun, and find out nope its another one of "those days". I am tired of trying to put my underwear on and nearly keeling over every day because my knees give out. I am tired of red swollen and stiff joints. I am tired of no sleep and exhausting days. I am tired God. I am so very tired.
Oh I know, there are far worse people out there than me, and you know I say that every day when I get out of bed and can barely walk. It keeps me going, knowing that I am not the only one suffering and how sad is that? And I am so aware of the fact that this world is going to crap in a hand basket, and that you are spread to thin by all the ignorance and destruction from mankind. I am completely surprised you haven't thrown your arms up in the air and walked away from us all. If it was me, I would have done so a long time ago. I guess that's the difference between you and me.
But I wonder God, do you have any time for me?
Can you make me feel a tad bit better, just a wee bit?
Can you give me just some moments where I am pain free and can enjoy life?
Hey God, are you there?
It's just me Tracy.