Friday, November 5, 2010

THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER

As long as I have known myself, I have lived behind a wall of humour. I am not protecting myself from anything. It's just that laughing is a much more pleasant way to go thru life. But behind my humour, I battle some serious moments of unhappiness, due to a part of my life that I have been grieving the loss of for several years.

This is a difficult blog for me to post about, and I am sure that I will take a lot of heat for it, but in any event, I am talking about my single life. Lately, I have been reading a lot of blogs by a lot of wonderful, single women, whom I adore and whom I would never want to offend. They often write about searching, wanting, needing and wishing for love to appear for them. I, of all the people you will meet, can completely relate as I was single for a long period of time before the right man entered into my life.

There are days though that as much as I adore these wonderful single women, I just want to shake them and say "snap out of it"! Because, the fact of the matter is that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I am a true testimony to that. When I was single, my life was lacking in love, but it was unbelievably full. I was busy, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, we were going and doing things. Dinners, movies, lunches, theatre, spa dates, girl parties, you name it the sky was the limit. We took courses and learned new things, we went for cocktails and sat at pubs. We traveled, we ate, we drank wine, we giggled, we ooohed and aaahhed, we wished for, we dreamed together, we shared our hopes, our thoughts, our desires but mostly, we bonded. We bonded so strongly and developed a sisterly love for each other that we hoped would stand the test of time. We were wrong.

I wouldn't trade my better half for the world, but a part of my life died when we became a couple. No longer able to go out on a moment's whim to a girl function, my life became dictated around what we as a couple had planned. This is part of being a considerate person in the relationship. Listen, I realize that your life does not end the moment you are in relationship, but if you think that you are going to spend the same amount of time with your girlfriends, you are wrong. When you enter into a relationship, you have to think of your partner and their needs, as well as your own, and spending the quality time with them to make your relationship grow, or it just won't work. Especially in today's society when we are all working so hard in our lives, from careers, to children, to family, to friends, something will always have to take a backseat as there is just not enough time in the day.

So what am I trying to say here: well, I love my better half. You all know that. He is fun, crazy, weird, goofy, and for someone who asked me yesterday, yes he does have his sense of smell, he just doesn't care that I fart (thank gawd or this relationship would have ended on day one!). But the fact of the matter is that the special girl time that you as single women are enjoying is invaluable, memorable, wonderful, indescribable and nothing in the world compares to the bonding of women. Being single is such a special time in your life. It is complete freedom, there is no one to answer to but yourself, it is moments of indulgence, it is moments of yourself, it is about you, and only wonderful you, and I am even choking up as I write this as that is how much I miss it.

Value what you have, whether that be a relationship, or whether that be singleness. There are perks and downfalls to each. But whatever stage of life you are in, enjoy that ride until it comes to an end because I can tell you that for every single girl standing with her face pressed against a window looking in at a couple, there is a woman in a relationship standing on the other side of that window looking out at the single girl with a longing and her arms outstretched.

Now I am going to go and blow my nose and fix my mascara and hope that you will still love me after this crazy rant.

In the meantime, note that I am only speaking from my perspective and that I am pms-ing *blink blink*...

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches

28 comments:

  1. thats why we love you tracy... you are so incredibly truthful in everything you write... its why i keep coming back! xxoo

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  2. Ya know, as a woman who is in a long term relationship, but is not married, and does not live with her man, I kinda have the 'in-between' world. I still do things with my friends, and do spend a lot of time alone, but there are times when he comes first. I think because Bud and I met in our mid-30's, we were both used to doing things by ourselves, and we value being together. But we also value our time away from each other. I say it always makes a person a happier, more well rounded human being when they have their own stuff to do, and the stuff they do as a couple. It's all about communication! And we are still mad, crazy in love with each other, too.

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  3. I really think this is great that you said this, I am always telling my single friends enjoy it now, I love my husband so much but I have experienced that in my 30s its harder and harder to spend time with my girlfriends. I hate the feeling!! Everyone needs balance!

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  4. i have a great husband & great girl friends, but i sure miss having free time to spend with my girlfriends. you are right about that.

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  5. Well, sometimes I get so envious and other times I just get depressed, because I can't relate to the group of girl friends thing at all. I grew up poor and didn't have the clothes, money, education, whatever to fit in with any group of girls doing all the things you all have done. I have friends, but never a group of girl friends. I think it would be fantastic to have just had that experience at all, even if it is just until one gets married.

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  6. Oh, I have friends who are all odd balls. Not a one of us shops, or dresses up. We're just a bunch of book nerds who met a long time ago at work, and have remained friends for 15 years. Sometimes I don't talk to them for weeks, and when we do get together, it's usually a quick visit. I have very few friends--I think I can count them on one hand, with a few digits to spare. That life full of dinners, and shopping, and trips just is not in my world and I'm ok with that! I'd be broke trying to keep up!

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  7. Thanks for all your great comments xxoo

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  8. I have kept one of my high school friends for over 47 years; she and a small group of my classmates and I get together for lunch once per month. I have another close friend from the period in my life when I was divorced and we've maintained that friendship 30 years. We talk on the phone about 3 times per week and have lunch 7 or 8 times per year. I have one more close friend from one of my last jobs before I retired. We've stayed friends for 10 years. We talk on the phone a couple of times a month and have lunch 5 or 6 times per year. (she's a snowbird and goes south every winter)
    No, we don't go bar-hopping or do some of the other crazy things we did when we were single, but we laugh alot, hug often, and cry some. (All three of these ladies have become widows over the past 10 years.)
    It's really important to keep a bit of a bond with those friends even after you're married, because things change; marriages end, spouses die. In those 47 years since high school, I have been married 12 years, divorced for 4, and now married again for 27. I have a wonderful relationship with my hubby, but now that I'm retired, and my kids are grown and have their own families, I have time for my friends, too.

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  9. My husband and I have talked about this many times. We have been together 15 years and have a 14 year old. We love her to death, but sometimes we really miss the old us. Us before her and him being single and me being single. Life is routine and full of dr. appointments and no time or money to go out and just hang out with friends. I have never had many close friends, but I loved just doing what I wanted when I wanted.

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  10. I love this post! I think it is true that you can think you will be happier when you find someone. Or that single life is just waiting to find someone. Not true at all. I've been divorced for almost 2 years now, and I have really enjoyed not having to think about anyone else for that time period. You're right in that you do have to think about someone else. But I also remember in my marriage that I think I might have thought about him a little too much over my own needs. I have a married friend that seems to have struck a real balance that I aspire to. Her and her husband have an understanding that they will have them time and time for their friends. She has a girls night, he goes and hangs out with his friends or family. Like the other commenter said, I think you have to work at maintaining your friendships. Just like relationships they will fade too from neglect. Balance is the key :) How to achieve that, I have no idea. Cheers!

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  11. I find there's no one I would rather be with than my family.. my husband is my best friend.. Funny.. it's been a long time.. and although I do have girlfriends..I would rather be with Jacques.

    There's something for everyone in this life..single ..married.. starting over.. trying something new..

    There's that thing called fate.. destiny..and what circumstances you find yourself in.
    I lost my parents when I was 19 and married.. I guess I was fortunate that we went though life as a team.. I have never not been able to count on him.I have told him everything..
    On friends however.. well let's just say that it could very well have been me..or she..or vice versa.. But this has lasted.I would do anything for him.

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  12. I think that was just what I needed to hear. Thank you.

    x

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  13. My husband often points out that I have no girlfriends and encourages me to find some and spend some girl time with them. It hurts, I know. And the minute I find a friend and make plan he declares that he has the day off too and hoped we could hang out...laying on the guilt trip and all. There is no even ground between singles and couples...it's rocky on both sides.

    PS-I was happy to see your sketch banner back up today. I haven't been on the computer all week b/c I was also ill. I hope you're feeling better too.

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  14. You're right. When I was single, I was glad I learned to like myself single. Married is great, too. But wherever you are, it's important to look at and appreciate the good things.

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  15. I love this post Tracy...

    I agree with you that we tend to devote much more time to a spouse or significant other. (are they still using that term?) I think balance can be achieved, though. However, it takes two to make that work. Like Ms. Caboo said, she and Bud have a good balance and like their "me time", but are most definitely still madly in love and are lissfully happy when they are together.

    I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you what works for us.... All in all hubs and I have been together almost 30 years. Even after all that time, we are still as madly in love as when we were just starting out. (Hand to God!) We adore being together, but he has his things and I have mine.

    We have one rule.... If something important is happening on one of the days where we normally spend time doing our own thing with friends, we politely beg off and spend that time together doing whatever it is. Our friends know this is our rule and they are absolutely fine with it.

    I hope you and your better half can sit down and talk about how you're feeling. I bet you could work out a way to each spend time with friends. It's not that I don't understand how you feel. I do. I did lose a few friends who just didn't like that I was no longer free at a moment's notice, but they couldn't have been my true friends to begin with. If they were, they would have understood.

    Dry your tears sweetie. You are awesome and you are real and that is why we all love you so much. Don't ever stop being Tracy, OK? I would really miss that friend....

    Hugs and tissues,
    Martha

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  16. I understand what you are saying. In my last relationship, I let a lot of friendships go into hiatus. My boyfriend was a bit controlling. Luckily all of those friends loved me and were still there when I came back around asking for help. I am glad to be in the relationship I'm in now, because although I love spending time with James, he never lays on a guilt trip if I want to spend time with my girlfriends instead. I do miss being able to do whatever I wanted anytime I felt like it, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

    karahoag.blogspot.com

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  17. Ah, I love you cause you are just so honest. So real. No fluff...just real stuff . And I think as women we can all relate. You are so right...the grass is NEVER greener on the other side.
    What you SEE as greener is actually what took a lot of watering, mowing, fertilizing, etc....not just greener at all. Things don't magically happen. It takes ---everything takes----work and preparation.
    We always want what we don't have it seems.
    Hells bells, I have been married 3 times. I haven't been looking for greener grass actually....just a softer place to put my feet.

    and you're talking to the choir here about missing the girl time....My ONLY girlfriend lives an hours drive from me. I. Am. So. Alone. sometimes I could die.
    Yes I have hubby and we are great....but girls need their girls.

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  18. You guys are all awesome... so seriously awesome.. I love all the comments, thoughts, ideas, expressions etc... And Wendy, I really hear you!

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  19. As an old married lady, I can absolutely understand your post.

    Funny, I was just going through the same thoughts today and shed a few tears reading your post.

    I married very young, had kids very young as well (my choice) and now 22 years later finding out who I really am. Both as a woman and as a wife. I wouldn't change a thing about my choices in life. I don't know what kind of "single" woman I would have been as I've never been one, but I'm a very happy as half a couple but also as a 40+ woman.

    Celebrate whatever stage of life you are in - it's better than pushing daisies.

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  20. From someone who got married at 20....didn't go to college (Yikes what a mistake) and has been married for 40 years...all I can think of is Diane Keaton in the movie "Smother" where she says to her son when he asks if there is anything he can do for her..."Can you send me back to 1968 so I can start over".....this is too true..

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  21. Hi Tracey....I'm sorry I haven't stopped by....it seems like I'm not visiting too many blogs lately.....anyway....LOVED..LOVED..LOVED this post!!

    I can't remember when I was ever single...married quite young....and re-married quite soon after a divorce...but I will so agree with you that things certainly change.....Your relationship becomes your primary focus....you can have girlfriends that you see....but your BEST FRIEND DOES BECOME YOUR SPOUSE.....now that is not always a bad thing as you are a testament to.

    In fact....if you don't spend the necessary time nurturing your marriage you could soon find yourself that SINGLE LADY looking thru the window wishing for married life. (O:(O:

    I know I'm sort of rambling on...but I thought this was such an important post and I just had to comment. But I do understand finding the balance between married life and girlfriend life!! (O:(O:

    Xo

    Jo

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  22. I love this post as well! It is so true people don't realize what they have till it's gone! I have a saying that the grass is only greener over the septic tank, so beware. Thank you for your lovely blogs!

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  23. Funny that most of the comments you've had so far are from the married/relationship followers you've got. :-) I don't know how I missed this post. Perhaps while I was visiting my family. You know I would've commented if I'd read it. I love that you wrote this. This is YOUR blog. YOu get to write about whatever you want, and share your thoughts and feelings and opinions about anything and everything. That's why you are so appreciated. Because you do that. You are willing to share about everything..and pretty near anything. We've all witnessed that. And you had whatever experienes you had as a single woman. You also now have whatever experiences you have as an almost married woman. Your experience isn't comparable to anyone else's. It just is. Your experience. Just like my experience is mine. And others who write about being single or being married. That's what I love about this blogging world. The people we get to "meet" and share with. I love that.

    You know me. My life is full. And I want to get married. That is something I am committed to. Being in an amazing relationship with someone amazing. AND..my life hasn't stopped. I haven't stopped living and more importantly, I haven't envied the people that I know who are in relationships. My experience of being single is vastly different than everyone else's. In fact, I wouldn't even call it "being single". That does not define who I am. I am just someone who enjoys and loves her life. Period. Single, married, I bet I'll still love my life. Much like you have done and do.

    I love that you wrote this. Nobody knows if the grass is greener for anyone else. I could tell say the same (and have) to riends that envy me being single and I tell them that it's not greener over on this side of the fence. However, maybe for them it would be. Who knows.

    Tracy you are amazing. I am so blessed to know you. Thank you for stumbling upon my blog all those months ago.

    Thank you for sharingy our thoughts.
    xoxo

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  24. lol..and of course by "our thoughts" i meant to say "your". LOL

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  25. You are totally right. The grass ISN'T greener but sometimes it sure looks like is is when viewed from "the other side."

    As you know... I'm a single gal. And I do sometimes longingly look at couples and wish I was them. And there are times when I REALLY want a boyfriend (like now to help me with the move). But I do realize that some day I will miss my single days. I realize that there might be a time when I'm with "Mr. Right" and I'm feeling nostalgic for being single...

    However... I've been doing the single thing for awhile and it's getting kind of boring. I'm ready to switch it up a bit. And I can't help but be scared that "Mr. Right" just isn't out there for me.

    I mean us single girls can dream all we want about the perfect man. And the endless opportunities and possible twists and turns that life can throw us is very intriguing. I wonder what the guy I might meet will be like... I envision fairytale romantic scenarios happening to me. The world of men and relationships is still wide open and full of endless possibilities and part of me is in love with the ambiguity and the potential. And I love knowing that just maybe the best part of my life is still ahead of me.

    But it's the big fat "Maybe" that's the killer. As much as the potentional for success is out there. So is the potential for failure. Failure to meet the right person. Failure for the right person to like you. Failure to meet someone when you are still young enough to have children (which you really want). Failure to be the kind of girl that guys want to marry...

    And it's that failure that makes the grass greener on the couples side of the fence. Because at night, you know who you are going home with. And you always know that there is someone to love you despite all your "failures."

    Thanks for sharing this post Tracey!

    XOXO

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  26. I hear you both... thank you for the wonderfully expressive comments from you all!

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  27. This made me stop and think. Recently single, there are great, good and not so good things to both. I miss my coupleness, and can't wait to have it again, but am "enjoying" this all about me time. :)

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