We are nearing the end of 2010, and quite frankly, I am looking forward to a new year. 2010 was a year of uncertainties, unanswered questions and moments of helplessness. 2010 consisted of days of crying and feeling sorry for myself and months of trying this pain medication and that pain medication. And, I must admit, I do not like who I have become. No longer willing to sit on my laurels and wait the outcome of diagnosis after diagnosis by specialists, I have decided to make 2011 the Year of Tracy. A strong focus on not dealing with the pain but fighting thru it and coming out the other side, perhaps slightly scathed, but stronger, healthier and more importantly, as pain free as I possibly can be.
I long for a sense of freedom from the chains that have bound me for years. In my nightly dreams, I envision travels to exotic destinations, bike rides and long walks, sitting in movie theatres and explorative drives all without the assistance of some magic little pill which has been dictating whether these moments would be possible. I dream of yoga in the morning and belly dancing at night followed by days of work without ice packs or heating pads. I dream of moments where my massages are for relaxation indulgences only and not related to working out the latest series of trigger points. I dream of moments where I can just wear my engagement ring because I can as oppose to how swollen my fingers are that day.
I long to be tired at the end of the day because my day was so wonderfully satisfying, not because I can barely move.
In simple terms, I dream of living a fulfilling life. The half assed life is no longer an option for me.
I hold the power of the destination in my hands and I am putting my foot down as I am no longer prepared to allow doctors and specialists tell me what I can and cannot do. I know my limitations, but I also have to believe in the power of me. I am strong and I know it. But somewhere along the line, I let others decide my fate. No longer allowing them to be my puppet masters, I am going to take control. A gentle but aggressive control of my fate.
And so with 2010 ending, I bid adieu along with a kick to its ass and a cheerful "don't let the door hit you on your way out" and I am giving a quick hug and peck on the cheek to 2011 as I bulldoze my way thru it.
Because at the end of the day I can only say this: Life is what you make it, and these past several years has been unacceptable because I want more, I deserve more, but most importantly, I am more.
Enough said. *as she steps off her soap box*
Until Next Time.