Monday, November 28, 2011

In a chocolate filled bath

Feeling sore and tired and wanting a change, I took up the challenge of cleansing my poor painful body once more. Perhaps with the annihilation of all bodily toxins, I would see a significant reduction in pain.  Prepared for the after effects of sugar, wheat and dairy product withdrawals, I filled my fridge to the brim with fruits and veggies and items that were definitely nature's version of a colon cleaner combo.

By the time I was to be finished, I knew that my bowels would be whistling dixie and hopefully so would many of my painful body parts.

As I have completed many cleanses over the years, the last thing I expected was to be on day ten of the cleanse and get my first real surge of a sugar withdrawal.  Surprised by this yearning, I have to say that sugar has never been my weakness.  I am more a chip and dip type of girl. Yes that's right, fats and salts have been my weakness for as long as I can remember, and if I could dive into a bowl of spinach dip, I would most likely be the happiest girl in the world. But yesterday, I was craving something so sweet, so delectable, so gooey and yummy that I turned a slight bump in my cleanse into a day's worth of seeking and hunting and searching thru my cupboards.

Ravenous, well at least in my mind, I sucked back strawberries and raspberries, blackberries and apples, in a fruitless attempt (pun intended) to appease the God that was ruling my stomach.  As the hours ticked by, I knew that the only thing left to do was too cheat! But with the ever watchful eye of my better half, I was stumped on how to go about it. By 8:00 p.m., I was literally climbing the walls. So with some slight manipulation, I convinced my better half that our pitiful little pooch was in some serious need of exercise and guilted him to take our doodle bug for a walk.

The moment he left, I dashed to the cupboards.  I opened this drawer and that drawer, pulled this item and that item, I searched, I hunted, I tore thru my kitchen like the Tazmanian devil on speed. I was, in short, desperate for something ooey and gooey.  Sadly, I knew that I could not eat any of the Christmas treats that I had stocked our pantry with as the food police would be counting the wares and would note any corruption of packaging.  Finally, I flung open my baking cupboard, and in a moment that can almost be declared a miracle, I saw glimmering down at me, in all it's glory, from the second shelf, a box of Bakers Chocolate.  Knowing that my better half is not aware of what all my baking supplies are, I stood up on my tip toes and yanked that box down and ripped it open before you could say "Bob's your Uncle" and just as I had the dubious piece of chocolate in my hand, my better half came trotting thru the door.  I stood there like a deer caught in the headlights, slipped the piece of chocolate into the pocket of my hoody before he saw, and mumbled something about checking out my baking supplies for Christmas.

Not knowing what to do next, I sat in the chair quivering over the smell of the chocolate that was oozing up towards my nostrils.  I was so close to having my craving satisfied, yet so far away with the Cleansing Commissioner sitting beside me.  In short, I was going NUTS!

I stood up and did a fake yawn, told my better half I was going to have a soak in the tub to kick back and relax before bed and flew like a maniac down to the bathroom, only to find him hot on my tail.  Being his usual thoughtful self, he ran my bath for me and filled it to the brim with bubbles and sat on the bed to talk to me while the tub filled up with the ever so delightful fragrant scent of sweet peas.

And then with my better half retiring to the living room, I slipped into the bathroom, stepped into the tub with the chocolate in my hand, and eased my way into the steaming hot water. And as I sat there lovingly unwrapping the chocolate square from the clutches of its wrapper, and with my mouth salivating and drooling, I bent down to give that sweet rich chocolate aroma a quick smell, when..... all of a sudden, the damn thing slid off my freaking hand and kerplunked right into the bathtub!

And because I couldn't get out of the tub without risking an inquisition from my better half, there I sat for the next 45 with a great big old chocolate smudge down by my leg staring up at me and taunting me with it's bounty. 

I won't lie, there was a moment where I thought about sticking my head under the water and licking the chocolate off the bottom of the tub, but then I farted in the tub and realized that even I have my boundaries.

So much for cheating.

Until Next time.



  1. Im lost for words. I have tears from laughing.
    Oh Tracy, dropping that chocolate in the bath water was surely the universe reminding you to be strong.
    Plus if you are going to cheat, at least make it Lindt.

  2. omg I was having a pitty party for myself, and sat down an read your had me laughing again...and put me in a better mood. thanks tracy!

  3. Ditto to what Mynx wrote - I am laughing myself silly.

    And, Mynx is right...if you're going to cheat it has to be Lindt.

    Lately, I too am removing much of the carbs and sugars out of my world so I relate to what you are going through. Lindt makes a 90% cocoa chocolate bar and believe it or not it's damn fine - curbs my cravings and meets my low carb/low sugar requirements.

    Fortunately (or un...) I don't have a "Cleansing Commissioner" (as you call your better half) hunting me I really have to rely on will power, like that's gonna ever happen!!!

    Funny post!

    Cheers, Jenny


  4. This is absolutely hilarious! The thought of eating something loaded with sugar right now is enough to make me want to puke after all the pie I ate this last week.

  5. I doubt a fart would have stopped me. Very funny story, and well told.

  6. If not for the toot, I'd have called the "ten-second rule". Especially after that much work. Then again, sweet pea scented chocolate.... maybe not.

  7. I am sadly still mourning the loss of this piece of chocolate! *sigh*

  8. it would have been totally fine if you'd snatched it up & rinsed it off before it melted. did you at least try to lick your leg? cuz jim wouldn't have wondered about that at all if he'd walked in & seen you chewing on your thigh like a hambone.

  9. It's a sign that you weren't suppose to have it. Call it divine intervention if you will.

  10. As I get older Sherilin, I am not quite as limber as I use to be, I can't even imagine me trying to pull my plump thigh up to my mouth and sucking off the chocolate! LOL!!!

    Divine intervention smention Ruth! The fates were messing with me! ha ha ha!

  11. Oh my goodness! This certainly made me smile!

  12. OMG I'm dying! haha. Of course you could always come visit PA and go to Hershey and then they actually have bathtubs full of chocolate at their spa...apparently it is wonderful for your skin...though they discourage eating it. Sounds like hell to me as I'm not a chocolate lover but I have friends who would die to go. :)

  13. I was so happy that you were finally going to be able to enjoy your piece of chocolate. And then the "I farted in the tub" line . . . I choked on my cookie! Oh. Um. I meant, carrot. Yep, I meant my carrot.

    After I recovered from the choking, I then laughed my patooty off.

    But I really do feel really bad that you couldn't enjoy your chocolate!

  14. i hope he didn't come in & see it hovering around the bottom of the tub. he might have thought it was a little brown nugget of a different sort.

  15. Hysterical! Please tell me there was more chocolate to eat!?

  16. Lol @ SherilinR brown nugget comment!! Totally agree with everyone, Lindt is all good! Unless you can get Milka chocolate in Canada, which is also delish!My trick is to take a chunk and give the rest away to the hubbie/kids! They think Im being thoughtful. Im just watching my portion control.
    A little of what you fancy is good!

  17. There was no more chocolate to eat sadly. Thanks for pointing out the obvious Carole! LOL!!!

    and I am all over Lindt! Especially those little Lindor balls! Oh gawd, now my mouth is watering again!

  18. That was hilarious! I'm still laughing!

  19. You just gave me the best laugh! Sorry. :(

    Thanks for the birthday wishes!

  20. Oh, I am sorry to be laughing my head off at your unrequited craving, but that was too funny.


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