Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Beware of the woman with Pooh on her hand!

Three months in and I have to say that selling a house is nothing short of exhaustifying. It never ceases to amaze me that people think that giving me 30 minutes notice during a work day is a sufficient amount of time to leave my office unattended, go home, clean and get my dog out, drive around while they look and be back at my desk within my one hour allotted lunch period.

Now, I will admit, I am a bit of a cleaning freak and have some serious ownership pride going on and prefer to have a requisite 24 hours notice to get everything in order and to find someone to dog-sit my little boy in order to accommodate strangers and allow them the opportunity to roam freely around my home and criticize their heart out. BUT, while I do everything possible to allow the potential buyers to attend my home on their time frame, I have found that even I have limits on what is pushing the proverbial envelope.

Generally in Canada, the rule of thumb for real estate is that the realtor you hire attaches somewhere on the outside of your home a lock box which contains a spare key to your house.  The buyer's agent makes an appointment to see your house at a specific date and time for a one hour viewing increment.  You gather up your brood, if you have a brood, in my case a hubby and a pooch, lock your house up and drive around aimlessly wasting one irreplaceable hour of your life whilst strangers grab the key and wander thru your life which is now on display for all to see, and then you usually have the joy of coming home to lights on, doors unlocked, and in my case, the washroom being used and furniture being moved.  All in all, it really is a self inflicted form of violation for which you pay big financial sums for.

A few weeks ago, I finally reached my boiling point.  We had the same couple attend our house three times.  Each time, they would come in and point out what they didn't like and then leave demands such as they wanted the exact measurements of our closets or the exact measurements of our bathrooms, and we would willingly provide same in the hopes that they would buy our home.  And then weeks would go by and we would receive narry a feedback nor any indication that an offer would be made. Eventually, we would forget about them, and then they would rear their ugly heads again and make yet another appointment to see our home and the process of pleasing them would begin again.  Finally, after another long period of time, they made yet a fourth appointment to see our house on a Saturday between 11:00 a.m .to noon.  With my home in order, and everything doused in summer happy febreeze air freshener and my pooch securely placed into his carrying crate in the backseat of my car, me, myself and I and my little dog were off to drive around for an hour whilst these time wasting morons went thru our home again.

After an hour passed, I drove back home looking forward to stretching out for a couple of hours before a second set of people were to come later that day.  However upon arrival, these potential buyers were still in my home. With a u-turn of my car, I took off for another 20 minutes only to come back and find them still in there.  With some cursing under my breath and with another slightly annoyed turn of my car again, I sighed heavily and left my subdivision once more to drive in the repetitive circular pattern that I had already done for the last hour and half. About two minutes down the road, I was immediately engulfed into the most gawd awful, nose hair burning, eye watering stench emanating from inside every corner of my car.  Immediately, I whipped the windows open, tried to restrain the gag reflex I was having and pulled over to the side of the road. It was then that I realized that my poor pooch had just expressed his anal glands. And if you don't know what that is, well in a nut shell, my poor baby boy sprayed out pooh juice from his teeny tiny bum and soaked the entire inside surface of his crate.  Imagine standing amongst the rot of 500 decaying fish and smelling that in.... Ah, I see recognition on your face, well now times that by 1000 and you get my drift on what my car smelled like.

Instantly, I made a turn into our local hospital that has a wooded park like setting, pulled my poor smelly pooch out of his stinky confines and walked him around in a desperate attempt to air out his little patooty.

And as we silently strolled around the tree lined parking lot, we ran into the hospital security guard. And as I was saying "hi", my beloved pooch decided that this was the perfect time to drop a bomb that was about five times his own weight right beside the foot of the ever watchful security guard. I stood there sheepishly, blushed profusely and reached into my pocket, grabbed out a bag and picked up the offending mountain of slop and walked hurriedly back to my car.

As I was reaching my vehicle, I felt a warm oozing sensation in my hand.  And wouldn't you know it, there was freaking hole in the bag!!!

Being without any form of kleenex, I single handedly picked up my pooch in my pooh free hand, secured him into his smelly crate, and drove like a one handed maniac home while I desperately tried to contain my breakfast in my stomach.

And as I approached home, some almost two hours since I left it, I came back to find those damn people were still in it! Still in it! Still in it! Did I mention that THEY WERE STILL IN IT!!!!

With a queasy stomach, a hand covered in pooh, a dog with a smelly ass and temper to match my mother's red hair, I drove up my driveway, opened up my garage, marched in my house, looked at the startled never-to-buy-my-house-but-constantly-waste-my-time potential buyers and unceremoniously escorted them out.

With open mouths and complete shock they scurried out of there faster than you could say "Bob's your Uncle".

And the moral of the story:  If you are not going to buy my damn house, than beware of the woman with a smelly pooch and pooh on her hand, because she is prepared to slap you up the side of your head with her pooh encased hand for wasting her time!

Until Next Time.



  1. This is hilarious, even though I feel horrible for what you went through. On a positive note, I do think the housing market is improving. Our son had his house on the market for two years without any offer whatsoever and three weeks ago he got two great offers within three hour of each other. There's a butt for every saddle, as the saying goes and I'm sure that there is a buyer for your house.

  2. Good God, how many times does a person need to see a house before they decide to put in an offer? I'm glad you tossed them out on their tushies.

  3. "500 decaying fish." At this point I started gagging. I hate fish. Can't stand the smell. Will hurl.

    I'm SO glad you told them to scoot on out! I swear, they are borderline squatters, only your house isn't abandoned! I don't get people sometimes--either buy or leave, but don't waste time.

  4. Oh dear! What an awful experience! And how inconsiderate of these individuals. If they can't decide after that many viewings AND being there way past their allotted time whether or not they want to buy, then they need to move on elsewhere!

  5. That settles it. I am going to die right here in this house. I'll let my kids deal with this stuff.

  6. I despise the times that you are experiencing - I plan to never move again and purposely have boxes that are available for my kids to use to carry my decayed body from the house. Worst buying experience - went to see a house and the lady's two dogs had ripped the stuffing out of her sofa cushions - there was fluff everywhere!!

  7. Ha ha ha....poop stories are always fun!
    I hope your house sells soon. xo

  8. talk about indecisive! i would hate to be the spouse of the one who can't make up her/his mind on a house.
    anal gland issues are the WORST! my cats are offenders & one of these days i'll be writing about it. probably to the horror of any unfortunate readers who stop by.

  9. I still think your agent is being irresponsible not keeping them to the agreed times and putting the pressure on the to at least make an offer. That is ridiculous. They should be talking numbers by now.

    You poor love. Hope you managed to get the car aired out

  10. My house is currently for sale and I feel your pain, although at this point I have not had anybody be so rude as to take more than 20-25 minutes in my house. Ridiculous. And hope your doggy is feeling better.

  11. So, let me get this straight- your agent doubles as a curator for families that just want to spend the day in someone else's randomly picked house. Damn, surprised they hadn't cooked a meal and ate your porridge and slept in your bed! You don't suppose they get off by...EWWWW! I hope not!

  12. people are totally idiots...

    it only takes 15 minutes to decide if you are not going to buy a house and 20 minutes to decide if it is worth a second look at a later date...

    if you are there more than an hour, you should have to pay the owner some kind of rent...

    dog poo is yucky times 100...

    tUcKeR pooped at the beer garden today and thankfully the bag held!

    sorry for you my friend...i too have been there with poo hand...

  13. Again, this is why I don't have a dog.

    And why I won't sell my house.


  14. You did an awesome job masking your annoyance with humor! I feel for you! What a smelly day. Here's hoping the next person who comes along wants to buy your lovely home!

  15. What a bad day!! Honestly, I'm surprised you even continued to give them time in your house, let alone 4 appoitnments. Clearly these people are wasting your time!

    Hope the poo smell came out!

  16. I am so sorry to laugh at your expense Tracey. I had too.

    There are so many things WRONG with those people looking at your house,and that realitor, well, what the heck is wrong with him? Does he need the sale so bad he LETS them stay that long? Hey, I have had realators say to us we only have a certain amount of time in a house, and then we have gone on to talk elsewhere.

    Frick, I would never want to be their neighbors! Those anal , snoopy , self absorbed people really really really really piss me off.

    Come on....measuring closets? What? "oh, Honey we can't buy that house the closet is 2 inches too short"

    I am so sorry this has been such a 500 fish rotten, time for you........but you did make me laugh and that should count.

  17. Im so sorry you had a terrible day Tracy.....But Ive nearly burst my sides from laughing LOL!! Very funny post!

    Fingers crossed you get that house sale soon!!

  18. Someone used your washroom...? Hopefully, they didn't leave you a floater.
    Look on the bright side of your dog taking a dump in front of the security guard. At least it wasn't YOU taking a dump in front of the security guard.
    Good luck on selling your house. But, when you do, leave the new owners a housewarming gift:
    a floater in the washroom.

  19. Oh my God! I honestly can't imagine why you all put up with that system! Do you not feel the need to clean everywhere once more when they have left? There are not a lot of things better in the UK than Canada, but we at least have the right, if we choose, to remain in our houses and protect our worldly goods while prospective buyers view. It certainly pouts off time wasters!
    Well, I hope you find a buyer soon Tracy because I don't think you or your dog can take much more by the sound of it!

  20. Oh Tracy......I hope some part of your story is fabricated.....because if are HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY!!! LOL LOL Selling a house is stressful in itself without all the extra added need a vacation!



  21. This is hysterical to read but I know it's not funny. That must have just sucked for you and the poor pooch. And yes, I agree with Mynx. That's just not right that the realtor allows this. I mean I know they want to sell a house but it's not like it's vacant. You live in it for Pete's sake. Fingers crossed you can sell it soon.

  22. Wow the nerve of some people! Did you grab their sholders with your hands when you escorted them out?!


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