Thursday, February 24, 2011

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR (especially during a wax job!)

I am coming back as a man in my next life.  Yup, you heard it here first.  I am so over being a woman.  Being a woman has just become way too much maintenance for me!

You know, last night I was sitting there covering up my grey roots, yet again, when I got to thinking about how super easy men have it.  As a kid, I use to always feel sorry for my Dad and his daily shave of his face and neck, but now that I am in my early 40's, I can see that he has absolutely nothing on my daily routine.

Oh its starts off innocent enough. First you start shaving your arm pits in your preteen stage and then you might as well start shaving your calves, and what’s that you say, all your friends are doing their thighs too?  Well I guess I better start mowing the lawn up there as well, and before you know it, there isn’t a speck of hair on your entire body, well of course, with the exception of your head and a nameless area (after all this is a family friendly blog) and even that nameless area is debatable with some women.

But you think that this would be it, wouldn’t you?  Oh no, then we have the joys of entering in our 40's and you get up that one morning and you pull out your magnifying mirror (because let’s face it, you are starting to loose your sight and can no longer see the flaws without 200x magnification) and OH MY GAWD, horror strikes!  “What’s that at the corner of my mouth?”  Oh my lord, is that the beginning of a Foo Man Chu moustache.  And, if that isn’t the icing on the proverbial cake, upon closer inspection, I start to wonder if I am now sporting a full goatee.  Eeeek!

My esthetician thinks I am crazy.  She says there is nary a hair on my face. I think she is just being polite. Could also be the fact that she is in her 40's too and may well be as blind as a bat.  But personally, I think that she is worried that if she tells me the truth, I will go screaming off into the night and reside with the rest of the apes, and she’s probably right, you know!  But I’m no fool. I can see it in her eyes and I know what she is really thinking!  I know secretly she wants to grab my face and say to me “Look Bush Baby, stick your entire face in that vat of wax because you are beginning to look like the hairy woman from Borneo!” 

And if this isn’t the worst possible news, I now spend my free time with my face glued to the mirror looking for strays that have sprung up somewhere new in the middle of the night.  I swear that while I am sleeping there is a Hairy Fairy that comes and spreads “instant growth” manure on my face!  I’d certainly like to catch that little bugger and clip her wings! 

And then the other day, another woman said to me “wait till you start growing nostril hair.”  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  I certainly thought that was only reserved for men, but in any event, I spent the next two hours inspecting my nostrils for any indication that I might have had a reforestation going on!  Ugh I say!  UGH!

I am at a loss on how to beat the fact that I am starting to revert back to one of my ancient ancestors.  I have thought of buying bulk containers of Nair Hair Remover and filling up my bathtub and just dipping myself in. Or, I could just give up and starting swinging from the trees like the rest of the primates.  In the meantime, I am packing up my bags... I have just been sent my invitation to join the Gorgades, a Tribe of Hairy Libyan women.  Don’t laugh, I hear your invitation is in the mail too!

Until Next Time.
Smooches

41 comments:

  1. Nature's ultimate prank. We can all look forward to losing hair from where we want it and growing some where we don't want it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have this thing my husband and I call "the man hair" that will start to grow at the edge of my lip... and it will continue to grow until it meets the tweezers. Along with that and my unibrow that needs to be waxed once a week to make me look normal. I'm almost to the point of giving in.

    I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just keep tweezing every day. I don't have a lot of misplaced hairs except upper lip; which, I am beginning to see from other's posts and comments, is an extremely huge blessing, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't get it when women remove all the hair from their arms. I have hair on my arms, and I don't really care. It's light and I've never given it a second thought. That's just way too much maintenance.

    Oh, the 40's are fun, just can't wait for menopause!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh yes, sing it LOUD hairy sister!! I have gotten my invite, thankyouverymuch, and I declined, but I still have the shadow of the Foo. Have you noticed that your brows are starting to creep down your face, too? I think mine are alive and like to travel! SOOOO funny! <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Okay the brows are under control, but you shall hear me scream loud if they start running down the sides of my face.. lol and am a tad worried about Miss Rosie above and her unibrow tho... lol!

    ReplyDelete
  7. The irony is that your sexual drive peaks in your 40s, right? At the same time you are growing hair everywhere? In other words, you are literally becoming a man. No wonder you want to have sex all of the time. Men think about sex and want sex all of the time. Women in their 40 start to look like men and think about and want sex all of the time. The mystery is solved. Egads.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well gawd dang it, if that just doesn't explain it all Robin!!! Thanks darlin (PS, been thinking about ya!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. As long as you don't start growing long hairs out out of your nose, you will be ok. Remember I wrote about the nose hair on your blog for the blog faceoff competition.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are so cute with this post today about your concern about hair. Wait till you get my age and it all starts disappearing.......EVERYWHERE..and I MEAN EVERYWHERE. LOL LOL

    Stay well,

    Jo

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's your attention to detail that makes us love you gals so much.

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG I almost died over "Hairy Fairy"!!!! I'm still in my 30's and have this problem...what's going to happen to ME when I hit my 40's!?!?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Personally I think that men are just like women, only we sublimate our neuroses into our sports teams, cars and toys rather that launching a razor assault on our bodies.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I wonder who notices stray hairs more.... men or women.

    ReplyDelete
  15. now i feel the need to go stick my face into a zoomy mirror & bright lights. i'm sure my lip is due for some de-hairing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. "Look, Bush Baby,.." That made me laugh out loud. I hear ya about the hair thing. I get these weird hairs, different colors, that are wirey under my chin. WTF! I call them my witchy hairs and have even enlisted my husband to help pluck them..(remember, there's that "blind" thing). Makes you wonder what's next.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I couldn't figure out why I would put a new blade in my razor one day and it would be dull the next..you have solved the mystery for me...it was the women in my house :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. The tweeze has become my best friend.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I have only one word: L-A-S-E-R. I think it's so unfair that men get to go around looking like Tarzan's hairy brother, while we have to be as smooth as a baby's bottom. I totally hear you on the hair thing. Apparently our bod's hair is on a different schedule, some grow faster than others therefore we will never be hair free for more than a couple of days in a row.
    LOved the face in the wax jar, I'm still cracking up over it.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You crack me up! "The Hairy Fairy spreading growth manure!" But I, too, am forever plucking those unwanted chin hairs.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well, when you're from my part of the world and your body hair is black, this maintenance gig starts early! And women in India get their eyebrows threaded. Every single time, we have scars worthy of getting a medal for bravery.

    So much empathy...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ag, sounds to me like you've got it rough. And, I do agree that all women seem to have this whole routine that guys just don't. It seems like my wife takes forever to get ready, and when I look at the routine, I'm not surprised... though I am still frustrated that we're late.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are right when you say Men have it sooo much easier, no periods, no child carrying and labor, no shaving half the body, no pantyhose and bras, no makeup, waay easier clothes overall, I could go on for days, lets both pray we come back as men next time!! I will meet up with you on blogger! haha!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I hear your roar and feel your pain! I have the scars to prove it. I'm coming back as a pampered kitty.

    ReplyDelete
  25. You sure know how to strike a nerve. At least you make it a funny nerve. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I made hubby swear that if I was ever in a coma and he hasn't pulled the plug for some reason, he HAS to stop by every day with tweezers or a lawn mower, if thats what it takes at that point.

    I've read that some people in comas can hear what people are saying. I'd wake up and pull the plug myself if I heard someone snickering about my chin whiskers!

    Hope you're hanging in there my friend.

    XOXO M.

    ReplyDelete
  27. It's true. Why do we 40+ women torture ourselves with those 200x+ magnification mirrors? Maybe we should just get together and burn them, like the feminists burned their bras in days of ole.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  28. Men do NOT have a clue at the work involved to be a woman!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Plus, we can write our name in the snow when we pee.
    Don't hate the player. Hate the game.
    But you're right. I wouldn't want to be a woman. Because I'd be one butt-ugly broad.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh Lord, men have it sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy.

    I'll hear men complain about how long a woman takes in the shower. I'm always like, "Dude, we have long hair that needs washing and conditioning, we have to shave legs, pits, and, ahem, another area, what do you expect?"

    The response: "Eh, I could do that in under five minutes."

    Seriously, they have no idea.

    ReplyDelete
  31. You are too funny...but I know what you mean...I have always been a rather hairy gal...my Grandma used to say "hairy people are healthy people", but I think she just said that to make me feel better...at least the peach fuzz has always been blond....what kills me know are the eyebrows that are turning white...I can't keep up with those!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Ohhhhh man that makes me sooooo unexcited to be over the age of 20! DX

    Guess that means i better find a stock that involves razors, eh?

    Blessed Be With Love, Harlow

    ReplyDelete
  33. No, no, no. You are NEVER supposed to get a magnifying mirror.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Life was great before the 200X magnifying light up mirror!

    ReplyDelete
  35. you forgot ear hair too incase that spurts out sometime soon

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hairy Fairy? I can just see all those balding 40+ guys praying for her visit ;) Frankly, I'd like to grow some chest hair myself, if you catch her, send her my way!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Imagine how it feels when the genes hand down the wrong ones....Hairy Fairy paying a visit earlier...i could go on and on.....

    ReplyDelete
  38. Just found your blog. You're a funny girl. Are you really in your 40s already? You sound much younger! It's great to have a young heart and a sense of humour.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yes Lucy... I am really in my 40's and i have the grey hair to prove it, well at least when it is not covered up in hair dye! lol And I still feel like I am 25, in my brain, not my body unfortunately! :)

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from ya! Thanks for stopping by!