Friday, February 18, 2011

TIPPING THE SCALES IN FAVOUR OF ME

It’s been about 8 years since I had a weight scale in my house.

Dealing with the fact that I get a little OCD with my body mass, years ago I felt it was detrimental to my health to have one of those pesky nuisances sitting around staring and beckoning to me.  I swear it spoke these words “oh come Average Girl, get on me, show me your numbers baby”.  Followed by “GET THE HELL OFF, YOUR KILLING ME WITH ALL THAT POUNDAGE.  I CAN’T BREATHE WOMAN!” Other days, that little bundle of grey joy would say “What?  Did you eat that whole bloody pound cake by yourself?”  Offensive as it was, I just couldn’t tear myself away from morning and evening weigh ins.  I had developed this love hate relationship with my scale, whom I had affectionately named Oscar, as in Oscar the Grouch.

Finally, on one cloudy day when I had taken enough abuse from him, and without the slightest bit of remorse, I dropped kicked Oscar to the curb and never looked back.  After that, the only time I ever weighed myself was when I attended upon my doctor for my yearly physical, at which time I would stand on the scale backwards and say to her assistant “I don’t need to know, ignorance is bliss.”  Yes, I would venture to say I was a tad in denial, like an ostrich with her head in the sand and I was enjoying it.

I figured that as long as my clothes fit, life was grand.  However, I forgot to factor in that I wear a lot of cotton fibre that is forgiving and stretchable.  And I came to the realization that even cotton can stretch only so far.

So, in January of this year, I decided to give myself some tough love and a dose of reality. I broke down and bought one of those fandangled, fancy, schmancy electronic scales. Shiny and new, I decided to make friends with her.  I called the scale a "her" because lets face it, women are a tad more sensitive in the weight gain area. I handled her gently and secured her battery and lovingly caressed her stainless steel exterior.  Thin and sleek, she was all that I wanted to find within myself.

Stripping down to all my glorious nakedness, I stepped upon her with hopeful eyes.  In that moment, I watched as the numbers moved fast and furious liked I had just pulled the arm on a slot machine. Had I won the jackpot? I almost could not bear the anticipation. And then in bright blue neon lights, I realized that I had won a jackpot alright, a jackpot full of fat and I was horrified.  That number couldn’t be right?  No bloody way, could it be right!!! So, I stood on one foot and that damn thing didn’t move in numbers. Then I balanced myself on the side edges, nothing moved again.  What was with this stupid scale?  Finally, in a desperate attempt, I hung my heels off the back edge while balancing precariously on my toes.  Weebling and wobbling, I held my breath, looked down, and you know what, it did not move one bloody ounce!  She was brutally honest and she screamed those electronic numbers in my face. I was perplexed.  I did not understand. I wanted to be her friend. Hadn’t this always been the way with Oscar.  I would hang off edges and he would take off a pound or two just so I felt better.  But not her, she gave me the truth and she was mean.

And it was at that moment, I longed for Oscar.  He may have been old, a tad crabby, a little bad for my ego, but on those rare moments when my self confidence was wavering, he always tipped the scales in my favour.

Until Next Time.
Smooches

20 comments:

  1. Me and scales have a love-hate relationship and hence why I don't have one in my house.

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  2. I don't have scales either, I'm still in denial. As you did, I would obsess about it, and still not do a thing about the extra weight. So, no scales here!

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  3. scales are awful! I haven't weighed myself in quite a while and I don't intend to!

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  4. The bathroom scale is the devil.

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  5. I feel for you, but I think you should think of her as a kind, honest friend. She will never leave you. No matter what you weigh in at, she'll be sitting in the bathroom waiting to give you the honest truth. she's the friend you want to go shopping with you, the on that will say that those jeans just aren't that flattering. Oscar sounds like he was kind of a placater. "Oh, AG, you're not happy with what I'm telling you, and you're mad at me? Would you be less mad if I changed a bit?" I say, kick those lying friends to the curb and keep the honest, non-judgemental ones. Well, what I really say is: do whatever the hell you want. Just wanted to play devil's advocate. :)

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  6. I loved that part about the numbers rolling like the arms of a jackpot machine!!!! so funny

    Don't you want a girlfriend who is honest....like your new shiney girl scale. One who tells you like it is and doesn't mince words.........make her you BFF
    or dump her (tee,hee)

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  7. I too, hate the bathroom scale. I haven't had one in years, but when I went to the doctor and nearly had a panic attack when the nurse told me my weight I decided that perhaps the bathroom scale would't be such a bad idea. lol I only weigh myself once a week, and only that much because I was ordered by the doctor.

    Kudos to you for taking the first step to your more healthy lifestyle! :)

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  8. Scales are evil.... I have been avoiding mine for some weeks now out of fear also. It'sd time to do something about my fitness for sure, perhaps we can encourage each other??

    I have started a fun game on my blog, I hope you will come a play with me & invite your followers too!

    Kelly
    ox
    http://myjoyproject.blogspot.com/2011/02/wanna-play-survivor-with-me.html

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  9. I have never owned a set of scales and I don't think I plan on it ever either!

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  10. You cracked me up! I hate scales. I only weigh myself every two weeks. But I think I'm becoming obsessed and am starting to weigh myself more frequently. Ugh! This totally blows! lol

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  11. At least you don't have a scale that screams, "One at a time!!"
    I can't remember...do you weigh less at the end of the day or immediately upon waking up? Or after a do-it-yourself liposuction?

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  12. Apparently, based on what some guy that goes by the name Simple Dude :) says, you weigh less in the morning after your morning constitution.

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  13. Do I have to read the whole constitution? Or can I just get the Cliff Notes version? This whole thing is stressing me out.
    By the way, I hope you don't answer this until after the weekend. You're supposed to be taking a walk.

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  14. I am not answering... I am walking... walk walk walk!

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  15. Shoot the bloody scale! If you feel good and get some exercise in, and eat well, then it doesn't matter what that evil little contraption tells you!

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  16. I liken scales to that of a local Amish community. In one way or another, however odd and wrong it may have come about, almost all Amish families are related to one another. Somewhere in history, someone broke one off in a cousin, or even worse a s....r. I can't even say the word without gagging. Apply the same logic to scales. They are all related and they all scheme against their owners. This theroem is proven. My scale tells other scales my numbers, and those scales show the same numbers as my scale does. Conspiracy, some say? I say so.

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  17. I've never owned a scale, but I still come across them and then... shudder.. I weigh myself :)

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  18. Stepping on a scale never seems to kick me into losing weight, so why bother? I know I'm too heavy. I go by how my clothes fit.

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  19. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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