Tuesday, October 4, 2011

This Post is not for the Faint Hearted

You know I have always been a pretty open blogger when it comes to my personal life.  And in doing so, I have lost readership and I have gained readership. It's life. I have always been honest in my posts and have shared many things about my aging droopy body, from my ever-reaching-floor boobs, to the odd stray hair poking off the side of my nostril, to eating fart bars at will just to get even with my better half.  All of which compare nothing to the tale I am about to tell you.

So if you are easily offended or grossed out by bathroom humour, now is the time to skip to the next blog. I promise, my next post will be all flowery and full of daisies.

But in the meantime, all ladies and gentlemen, are warned to avert their eyes.

On to my story:

If you are familiar with me at this point, you know that I am a chronic pain sufferer.  I tend to shy away from pain medication until there comes a point when the pain is making me so outwardly miserable to all those around me, that I just have to give in and take something.  Such was the case for the last week and half.

So with a click of my magic fingers, I blinked up my delightful cocktail of pain meds and happily went on my way much to the pleasure of all those around me. 

The unfortunate part of pain meds is that after a few days they back up my old garbage disposal, if you get my drift.  You know what I mean right? My engine gets a blockage, my cat gets a fur ball, there's a rat stuck in the wall... No? You still don't know what I mean? Oh for gawd sakes, I get constipated people!!!! 

And constipated good, I must say.  This time it had been three days, three long days of torturous agony, until I took it upon myself to drastically force a flushing of my radiator. 

It all started like this.  I finally could no longer take one more moment of the pain in my lower back or the bloating in my ever increasing stomach.  Not too mention the constant pressure on my poor tookis. So with toilet paper in hand, and a determination in my gait, I finally, on the third day, decided to get the deed done and reward myself with a warm bubble bath to soak my soon to be released from agony nether regions.  So with the bathwater running, I decided to disrobe, and plant my naked body on the toilet to give an old heave ho to my ill suffering bowels, and from there jump into my bath and soak my sore patooty.

While idly sitting, for what felt like an eternity on the toilet, and bursting several blood vessels on my face, a few odd and disturbing things popped into my mind, like:

What if it didn't come out before the water in the bathtub started to overflow and my better half came into the bathroom to see why there was an indoor flood happening only to find me in all my naked glory sitting there grimacing and grunting on the toilet with two inches of water around my ankle yelling "we're almost there baby, almost there!!"


What if, gawd forbid, I pushed too hard and gave myself an aneurysm, fell off the toilet and my better half found me naked, lying butt up in the air, dead to the world, with half a poop sticking out.  Good gawd, how on earth would he explain that to the family!!!

And if that wasn't bad enough, I spent an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about taking a pair barbecue tongs and pulling and tugging until I set my bowels frees.  Of course, when I merely mentioned my fantasy to my better half, he raced into the kitchen at full speed, and lets put it this way, I haven't seen those tongs in two full days. Like I'm really going to use them.  Okay, maybe it is good thing I can't find them.

In any event, I am happy to report that I did survive the bowel gate scandal of 2011 and that I burst out into glorious song the moment it happened!

The fact that I am now sitting on a pillow and a heating pad, is nobody's business but mine, and well, maybe yours too, and anyone else who has the courage to ask!  Because, damn it, I am not ashamed!  Okay, maybe I am blushing a bit in the cheeks, well, the cheeks I am sitting on that is!

Until Next Time.



  1. You crack me up. Potty humor is the best...and I hope your tushy buns heal soon!

  2. I am so glad I am not the only person who has those thoughts while waiting an eternity on the potty.


  3. This is just too funny. Poop humor is the best, and I must say you have a very imaginative mind when you're on the throne, the john, the chair of truth, or whatever else you call your potty.:)

  4. i applaud you for putting such a hilarious and relatable post!

  5. I'm cracking up. I understand the pain med constipation and the aftermath. I totally get this which makes it all the more hilarious because I have pushed to the point of my vision going black and almost passing out. haha. I mean what a way to go! Loved this post.

  6. lmao! a poop half out?! groooosss!
    we flushed our radiator in our van today & it ran like a mud fountain all over the driveway. thanks for helping me with that visual tonight!
    i have a friend with constipation issues that are aggravated from pain meds at times. once she went 11 days without a poop & when it finally happened i asked if it was like a butt volcano & she said that no, it was more like a really powerful potato gun!
    did you make into the tub before it overflowed?

  7. constipation and diarrhea are two of the most horrible things! And I agree with Jewels--sometimes you can get a bit starry-eyed and almost black out. How bizarre our bodies are. Enjoy the heating pad.

  8. poop itty poop poop, poop poop!

  9. Lol! Constipation is a bitch! I hope you had a delightful and relaxing bath after that, you deserved it!

  10. I have just arrived at work and decided to catch up on your blog before I started. You had me laughing out loud (obviously not with your pain and discomfort :( ). Thanks for setting me up for the day and I hope you feel better soon x

  11. It's funny that you described yourself keeling over from an aneurysm with a poop sticking half out, because as you were leading up to that, I was picturing the same thing. Obviously I had a generic picture in my mind, I wasn't picturing you, not that there is anything wrong with you, please disregard this comment.

  12. I am having similar problems in the bathroom since its par for the course with pregnancy. Have you ever tried Benefiber, I love it and I think it works wonders and keeps things moving!! I was just about to post a TMI post about the freaky and final stages of pregnancy but I don't know if it would be going too far!!

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  14. I was okay till the half-a-poop part. After that, and the requisite wiping of tears from laugh-stained eyes, this became another of your "Hey, Laurie, listen to this!" posts. Other than that, all I can do is quote Bugs Bunny's Martian friend- "Where was the KA-BOOM? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering KA-BOOM!"

  15. Oh gawd thanks for the comments, my mother is still horrified that I posted this, but nonetheless, I am so glad that a. I am not alone, and b. that you guys make me giggle!

  16. LOL girl!! Life is not all sweetness and roses, Ya gotta have a poop every now and again LOL!! That post cracked me up! :))

  17. I just found your blog and I'm enjoying it immensely. I have the reverse problem, but my wife can pass days without going. Sometimes it scares me. I hope everything is back to normal, and I look forward to more exploits in the bathroom or anywhere else.

  18. I have been there. At least it all got worked out in the end, if you get my drift. :D

  19. Scanrio 2 is by far my favorite. The half a poop line had me cracking up. I just found your blog and I look forward to reading more!


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