Monday, October 24, 2011

In the Battle of Woman V. Girdle....

As a rule of thumb, I don't dress up that much.  I am short and stumpy, and somewhat lumpy.  With no beautiful attributes to behold, I can say without malice that one part of my body just blends in with another. At work, I am only one step up from casual and on the weekend, I am your typical small town hoody and jeans type of girl. With a secret fantasy of my legs growing longer and my body becoming fabulous, I hoard away my share of accessories.  Purses, jewelry, shoes, shawls, scarves, you name it.  If it is feminine, its sitting in my closet pining for a day it will actually be used. 

So, when I was invited to a Murder Mystery party this past weekend by a friend of ours who really is the hostess with the mostest, I knew that I would have to bring my A GAME in the dressing up department! With the accessories needed to spruce this average girl up to a 1905 flirtatious tramp named Chastity Darling, I knew that the only thing missing was the clothes to cover my rather less than desirable body.  So with credit card in hand, I tromped off to the local clothing store.  

The moment I walked through the store, I instantly heard the sound of angels followed by a blinding light coming down from the heavens and shining on "IT" in all it's 1920ish glory.  Beautiful beyond words, delicate in appearance, the black and lace frock with a kick out at the bottom portrayed the look of a bygone era. With my size in hand, I ventured into the change room and tried it on!  And wouldn't you know it, the bloody thing fit!!! I stood and viewed myself with a tiny bit of admiration until I moved in the mirror.  What was that I thought... It couldn't be?  It can't be?  Oh my lord it is!!!! The only thing holding me and this beautiful frock from creating a binding love affair was the nasty betrayal of my jelly belly that was wiggling to and fro with every movement.  And just as I was about to declare defeat and send it back to it's place on display, words of wisdom were shouted from the great beyond, better known as my mother:  GET A GIRDLE FOR GAWD SAKES!!!! 

Huh?  They still make those?  Really? So as I scampered around the store, wouldn't you know that they had a seamless and promise to show no lines, guarantee to thin you by two sizes, spandexly happy version of the modern day girdle.

So with dress, nylons and girdle in hand, I arrived home to start the process of transforming this average woman into a character worth remembering.

Laying out all my wares on our bed, I scooched my better half out of the room, and emphatically stated "No matter what you hear, whether it be grunting, groaning, whining and howling, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR!!!"  Good lord it was bad enough that I had to witness the debacle of moving fat around on my body let alone subject my better half and cause him permanent blindness.  So with box in hand, I opened it to reveal a two inch by two inch square of stretchable fabric. Was this it? Seriously, I was suppose to get that around all of my body? Never one to back down from a challenge, I stepped one leg into the 16th century torture contraption. And with another leg in, I yanked, I squeezed, I tugged, I pulled, I sweated, I groaned, and I even whimpered once or twice until that two inch by two inch thing was made into a two foot by two foot thing which was then yanked unceremoniously up my body and secured into place.  With my stomach now pushed up into my breasts and my breasts now pushed up into my throat, I was ready to venture out.

At the dinner party, it became painfully obvious that with cutting off all amount of circulation to my stomach, the food was resting somewhere between my boobs and my mouth.  As the minutes ticked on and on, I could feel my stomach collecting gas and trying to expand beneath the torture device that was holding it securely in place.  With a shift here and a shift there, I felt light headed and dizzy and I was sure that a fart was going to explode out through my nostrils!  I moved from hip to hip and leaned as far back as I could in a desperate attempt to find some type of relief.  I spoke to my body silently willing it to conform, to adjust, to please just be good! But as the night progressed, I could feel my fat bubble into other free areas of my body.  I was developing a new form of a muffin top, a second set of boobs, and third double chin, GOOD LORD MY FRIENDS, I WAS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!

And just as I thought I couldn't take it anymore, the game was over!!!  And with a run from my chair, I grabbed my bag that contained jeans and a hoody and comfy undies and sprinted to the bathroom to make my change from gaseous trollop to everyday average girl.  

And as I stood there in my lovely friends' washroom, all halloweened up, I did the only thing a really comfortable friend would do, I took off the girdle and let my rather large patooty explode!!!  And as my body parts then settled back into their regular roles, I proceeded to jump around like a maniac trying to wave the rather nauseous scent away, then I rejoined the group, prayed nobody needed the bathroom soon, drank some wine and relaxed.

And what I can say my friends is that in the battle of Woman versus Girdle, that damn Girdle won!!!  Well sort of that is because when I got home and deposited my nemesis into the garbage, this woman snidely looked at the evil little thing and said "you may have won the battle my friend, but your off to the incinerator which means that I won the war!!" 

And then I walked away cackling!

Until Next Time.



  1. You're killin' me, Smalls! OMG! A fart out of your nostrils?!?! bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ......... *gasping for air* bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
    You and your stories, girl. I've never tried a girdle and now I'm scared shitless to do so! lol I've used "control top panties" which are a crock, but never a girdle. I didn't know they still made those, either.

  2. The horrors you women go through! I felt so sorry for you but I couldn't stop laughing. Can't wait to share your post with my wife.

  3. hahaha. Oh how I know how you feel. I have often enlisted the help of Spanx when in weddings or at special events when I want a smoother look under my clothes. I have drawn the line at an actual guy busting girdle but even the Spanx can be annoying when I am used to free flowing skirts, dresses, and well fitting jeans. Ugh. All that being said I am sure that you looked stunning in the dress and hope you were still able to have fun despite being overly aware of your stomach/gas. I am laughing with not at you...I promise.

  4. Another "gotta read this to Laurie" story. I am torn, however, whether to recover from the laughter by Thanking God I'll never have to wear a girdle or by debating the plusses and Minuses of being able to fart through your nose.

  5. Ahhh, the joy of Spanx.

    Thank God they don't have boning in them anymore, you'd have punctured a lung.

  6. Oh Tracy......I laughed so hard I pe......d my pants...I think!!

    P.S. I used to wear a girdle in my younger mind you...I was about a six 6 at that time....can you imagine....WHAT WAS I THINKING! LOL



  7. On the bright side, just think how a fart and a girdle can save you from drowning one day.
    Plus, the sharks will leave you be.

  8. Yes JDay stay away from the girdles or anything remotely similar and thank gawd I am not the only one to have suffered and you boys are so freaking lucky!!!

  9. My aunt is in her 60s and she always wears a girdle. I don't think I have ever seen her without it. Except maybe when she had her nightgown on. I always thought it looked painful how she was squished.

  10. Tracy - I am in have just cracked me up five ways from Sunday - I am so going to email this to all my gal pals!

    You told this story beautifully and with such feeling and lively emotions it was if I was a fly on the wall watching the whole thing...except the patooty part...then I was being a fly somewhere in the living room hovering over one of your girlfriends' wine glasses...making my own little fly patooty explosions!

    God that was sooooo funny!

    Cheers, Jenny

  11. Hahaha! Girdles are torture contraptions from the dark ages of human history! You definitely won this war! And with style!

  12. Those Spanx are a nightmare. I've worn them twice and been miserable. They constantly ride up! I think it would be easier if I just went on a permanent healthy eating kick and lost 20 pounds. Or wore a tent.

  13. Oh thanks guys for stopping by and checking out my post, and thanks Jenny for sharing!!!!

  14. This would be me to a tee. But I am sure they don't make those stretchy things in my size.

    As always your posts make me laugh my head off.

    What store carries 20's garb???

    You always say what we all do but never talk about...what a hoot.

  15. Bahahaha! You are hilarious! I totally agree with you! I hate Girdle, that bitch!!!

  16. My sides are hurting from laughing Tracy!!!
    (Actually Im amazed i still have sides left after eating 8 muffins earlier this week) Better start eating healthy again if I want to avoid the 2x2 piece of spandex.........LOL.....

  17. OMG you poor thing! I swear, the things that we women endure to create a certain figure! I'll bet you looked fierce though, love.~

  18. How did I miss this story! This was too funny! Just what I needed tonight. You crack me up!

  19. Actually a girdle looks very nice and can be very comfortable once you give yourself time to get used to it. Then a strange thing happens , you actually begin to miss it when it's off!

    You must get a girdle that fits you precisely. Then you have to put it on right, leaving it down in the back as you fasten the back suspenders (garters) first and then tug it up in the front before you fasten the front suspenders. And then leave it on, leave it on every day and night until you get used to it. You have to train yourself in a girdle.

    Relax in there, let your tummy rest against the front panel, likewise with your rear , let it relax against the girdle too, gradually you will feel the girdle hold you up and do all those wonderful things.

    Now look at yourself in the mirror and see that flat front panel where your belly used to be!
    Admire the new slim you, that's what a girdle is all about. It becomes a way of life. Enjoy!

  20. Katie - I know exactly what you are talking about. About 4 years ago I started to get a small belly that effect my posture with lower back pains. I found a corsetier a wonderful older lady who was willing to help me with a fitting and some needed consulting.
    She fit me in a long legged high waisted very firm boned and zippered panty girdle. Now you would think this would be uncomfortable, actually quite the opposite. Yes it does take a little getting use to. First she had to teach me how to properly put on this type of girdle, laying down on a bed leaning way back and pulling up the girdle, hooking up the hooks and eyes and pulling up the zipper, then standing up. Wow I had never quite experience anything quite so great and how I felt all supported and held in, it was amazing. Then she had to work with me to just let my stomach muscles relax and let the girdle just do it job of supporting me. That took a little time I found out that it is a subconscience thing to hold in ones tummy muscle in a girdle there really is not need but I had to break the habit. The corsetier also had me develop a habit wake up each and every morning clean up and put on a girdle and go on with my day. I found after a few weeks of following the corsetiers advise I have never felt so good. Wearing a firm boned girdle everyday is actually very comfortable, it is not what one would think it is. - If any would love to discuss girdles and corsets please join us at

  21. I would like to visit the site of a great looking styling makes verox slim women.


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