The closing of a door....

Today marks sixty short days until the end of my happiness.  Well, the end of my 500 days of happiness that is.

I started the facebook page in the hopes of finding myself.  I was loosing a battle to the chronic pain I felt and it was encompassing every aspect of my life.  I was no longer enjoying my life or enjoying me.  I had somehow lost myself to some autoimmune disease that was creeping through my joints and dictating my every move.  And I was tired of it.

It wasn't and hasn't been an easy road, in fact, it's been a downright bumpy ride, and somewhere along the way, I have had my breaks from it where I have relied on a few friends to take over so that I could gather my courage to go on.

You would think that finding something every day that makes you happy would be an easy feat.  You would be wrong.  The first week into it, my reservations crept in and I had this moment where I thought to myself "what have I gotten myself into".  Followed by "I can't do this".  Followed by the fear of looking like a failure if I shut down the page early with the feeling that the odd person would be snickering in the background with those horrible words "I knew she couldn't do it".  The fear of being the town idiot kept me going for the those first few months. I strained under the glare of a meager few who followed the page waiting for what I would come up with next.  Mornings of waking up in extreme bouts of pain were the hardest.  Those were the days I wanted to shout from the roof top "I'M NOT HAPPY GODDAMMIT!!!"  Those were the days that I had to dig deep and look beyond what I was feeling.  Those were horrible and enlightening days where I struggled with the fact that happiness, if I was lucky, was only oozing from perhaps my baby toe.  Those were the days where I wondered if I was just a fraud.  Where I wondered if what I just typed actually did make me happy.  Where I wondered if I would really ever find my true happiness.  Mostly, I wondered if succumbing to the pain was just so much easier.  Those were definitely the days that the proverbial towel was tightly in my hand and I was ready to throw it in.

Months would go by, people would come on and off my page like flies to honey.  I would take it personally, as if they were saying to me "you fake, there is nothing happy about you... what a bunch of BS."  Even now the following is very small by all accounts, but those who have remained have been very loyal, encouraging and vocal and their participation has made my heart soar.

And as the months dragged on, I started to notice a trend. Bit by bit, I was no longer having to search for the elusive happiness.  I was actually having moments of happiness. And then one day it just happened, and I can't explain it, but I just woke up feeling good, and somewhere along the line during this incredible process, I stopped needing to look for happiness.  I no longer had to dig deep into my heart to find that one special, plausible moment because I could see it all around. Happiness was just there, in everything, I only had to uncloud my vision to recognize it.

This process that so seemed like a chore in the beginning had become one of the best things I had and have ever done for myself.  And in the last few months. it has been unbelievably easy to find what makes me tick. It just bubbles from within. And while I still have moment where I often worry that it is a very delicate bubble around me that could pop at any moment, I have noticed that the power of happiness had always resided in me and was just waiting to come out and play.  And while I still have pain, it is much to a lesser extent now. I  no longer let it live in the forefront of my life. I have placed it in the shadows where it could not grow.  And instead, I placed my love of life in the sun where it could blossom and stretch and encompass me fully.

And while the door is slowly closing to my 500 days of happiness, I have definitely made sure that I threw the window wide open, so like with fresh air, happiness could always and freely float into my life.

Until Next Time.

Tracy