Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The closing of a door....

Today marks sixty short days until the end of my happiness.  Well, the end of my 500 days of happiness that is.

I started the facebook page in the hopes of finding myself.  I was loosing a battle to the chronic pain I felt and it was encompassing every aspect of my life.  I was no longer enjoying my life or enjoying me.  I had somehow lost myself to some autoimmune disease that was creeping through my joints and dictating my every move.  And I was tired of it.

It wasn't and hasn't been an easy road, in fact, it's been a downright bumpy ride, and somewhere along the way, I have had my breaks from it where I have relied on a few friends to take over so that I could gather my courage to go on.

You would think that finding something every day that makes you happy would be an easy feat.  You would be wrong.  The first week into it, my reservations crept in and I had this moment where I thought to myself "what have I gotten myself into".  Followed by "I can't do this".  Followed by the fear of looking like a failure if I shut down the page early with the feeling that the odd person would be snickering in the background with those horrible words "I knew she couldn't do it".  The fear of being the town idiot kept me going for the those first few months. I strained under the glare of a meager few who followed the page waiting for what I would come up with next.  Mornings of waking up in extreme bouts of pain were the hardest.  Those were the days I wanted to shout from the roof top "I'M NOT HAPPY GODDAMMIT!!!"  Those were the days that I had to dig deep and look beyond what I was feeling.  Those were horrible and enlightening days where I struggled with the fact that happiness, if I was lucky, was only oozing from perhaps my baby toe.  Those were the days where I wondered if I was just a fraud.  Where I wondered if what I just typed actually did make me happy.  Where I wondered if I would really ever find my true happiness.  Mostly, I wondered if succumbing to the pain was just so much easier.  Those were definitely the days that the proverbial towel was tightly in my hand and I was ready to throw it in.

Months would go by, people would come on and off my page like flies to honey.  I would take it personally, as if they were saying to me "you fake, there is nothing happy about you... what a bunch of BS."  Even now the following is very small by all accounts, but those who have remained have been very loyal, encouraging and vocal and their participation has made my heart soar.

And as the months dragged on, I started to notice a trend. Bit by bit, I was no longer having to search for the elusive happiness.  I was actually having moments of happiness. And then one day it just happened, and I can't explain it, but I just woke up feeling good, and somewhere along the line during this incredible process, I stopped needing to look for happiness.  I no longer had to dig deep into my heart to find that one special, plausible moment because I could see it all around. Happiness was just there, in everything, I only had to uncloud my vision to recognize it.

This process that so seemed like a chore in the beginning had become one of the best things I had and have ever done for myself.  And in the last few months. it has been unbelievably easy to find what makes me tick. It just bubbles from within. And while I still have moment where I often worry that it is a very delicate bubble around me that could pop at any moment, I have noticed that the power of happiness had always resided in me and was just waiting to come out and play.  And while I still have pain, it is much to a lesser extent now. I  no longer let it live in the forefront of my life. I have placed it in the shadows where it could not grow.  And instead, I placed my love of life in the sun where it could blossom and stretch and encompass me fully.

And while the door is slowly closing to my 500 days of happiness, I have definitely made sure that I threw the window wide open, so like with fresh air, happiness could always and freely float into my life.

Until Next Time.


Tracy

20 comments:

  1. I LOVE your writing Tracy. You seem to always be happy to me. I know deep down you are hurting. I know I live with it with Randy and myself, but we have the ability to hang in there, because no one else will carry our load. I think you are the best. I really do.
    xoxoxoxo

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  2. Well my friend, I am so pleased for you and proud of you for all the hard work and growing you've done. Hugs and more hugs, Carole xo

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  3. I think you are amazing always cheering everyone else up and along xxx

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  4. There's always always some happiness in every day--even if it's a momentary flash, or a simple thing like having ice for a cold drink! I love your page! Thanks for keeping with it.

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  5. Wonderful and uplifting, so proud of you...

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  6. When I read the beginning of the post I thought you were going to shut down the blog, thank God I was wrong. I really did enjoy your happiness adventure, and I have definitely noticed a change in you. I'm very happy that it worked out so well for you, and that you rekindled your passion for photography, you're so talented. I was going to say all is well that ends well, but better wait till after the wedding for that. :)
    Kiss Fred for me!

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  7. Tracy, you are amazing, everything you have written has been inspiring, so keep up the thoughts and writing cause it certainly is good for all!!!

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  8. So glad the story has a happy ending! :-)

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  9. Im so delighted for you Tracy!Finding your passion through photography and writing has been a lovely journey for us all to follow. Everyone has self doubt and wonders if they can they do what they set out to do, so your not alone on that my friend! :)
    I can only imagine having the added burden of the pain to endure, but you are so brave to keep going!!
    Don't ever take it personally if people dip in and out, as most blogs and sites are always slower during the summer months. *raises glass* Here's to Tracy our happiness queen!! yay!!!!

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  10. You're an inspiration Tracy. We should all do as you have and look for the good things. We all need more happiness out of life. I know I sure do. Here's to continued happiness. You deserve it!

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  11. I know it's not the same pain as you have, but I get headaches quite often, more as I've gotten older. I've actually gotten used to the low-grade "background" headaches on a near constant basis. I don't know how you get through some of the pain you've described on here, as my headaches can't even be a tenth of what you feel. To be able to still find happiness through all that pain is hard to do. But you have perservered. :o)

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  12. You are inspirational! I am so proud of you!

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  13. I really don't know what I did to deserve such amazingly kind people on my blog, but thank you so much for your beautiful words. You all touch my heart! xoxo

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  14. This is so awesome and I am so happy for you! Sometimes when we quit looking so hard for something......it just shows up!

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  15. Congratulations on keeping up with it! I'm not sure I would have managed. I'm happy that this experience opened your life to something so marvellous!

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  16. Someone should do a movie about you! Maybe you could cut in old scenes of Peter Lawford to do my cameos!

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  17. I've really enjoyed following you...everytime I read one of your posts I can connect with it on some level...you are just that kind of person, so I'm sure it warms all of our hearts to hear you so happy.

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  18. awww... thank you guys... I am so honoured really that you even drop by and take the time to read it... and Chris, you are going to have to pick someone who is still alive to play your part! LOL!!!

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  19. Oh come on... you can photoshop anything!

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  20. I'm so glad I stopped by here to see this before I close up my blog! If anyone understands pain and how it invades your every day life it's you. People ask me how I stay so upbeat and positive and I just think..."what else is there"? It's all I know! You have found that same philosophy and I'm thrilled that we've become friends on FB too. Here's to happier, pain free days to us...Cheers!

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