Sunday, June 20, 2010

WITHOUT A FATHER.....

I find father's day, not so difficult, but more of a reminder that my father and I severed our relationship some many years ago.  Compounding upon this is that father's day almost always lands upon his birthday as well.  I usually don't give it much thought until I sign on to my facebook and see the dreaded well wishes of everyone else who has had some type of fabulous relationship with their father either in the past or in the present.

My relationship with my father had been a complicated turmoil of manipulative mind game playing for more years than I like to remember.  It began during my parents incredibly rough and emotional divorce in my early 20's and continued for many years until I think we both finally came to some sort of consensus that we had definitely had enough.  At least I had.

What I recall is that we walked out of a restaurant after a very emotionally scarring lunch and neither one of us ever looked back.

I do not hate my father.  He is after all half the reason why I was born.  He did shape me on some very positive levels from my love of animals, to my love of art, to my appreciation of well built objects, and of course, to my annoying habit of perfection.  

However, there comes a time when one knows that family is not just about the blood ties that bond us.  Family is about the ones that support you, and the ones that stand behind you and the ones that put your needs before them.  You are not just some minor irritation that reminds him of your mother and that out of obligation he must see you once every 8 weeks for a lunch consisting of mindless, uninteresting conversation that ultimately turns into the same hashed out arguments that you had 15 years earlier.

Nope, it was no longer the ideal relationship for me.  

In the many years of our mutual silence, I have met the man of my dreams, been in a terrible car accident, suffered a serious kidney and liver infection that hospitalized me, broke my leg, built a house, got a little pooch, couple of new cars, made new friends, and he has apparently gotten married and traveled the world. Ironically, we only live 5 minutes away from each other, and yet, somehow we have managed to never run once into each other in all this time.  And in my heart, I believe that the Fates know that this is the best for both of us.

I have mourned the death of our relationship in that first year and I do not regret my decision to not amend our relationship.  I am however going to stop turning on my facebook on Father's day, not because I miss him, but more because I envy the ones who have had solid, uplifting experiences in their relationships with their own fathers.  

I will say however that sometimes all a girl really needs in her life, is a good mother.  Thank gawd I was blessed in that department.

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches.

3 comments:

  1. Wow. Thank you for sharing. xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. that must have been very difficult to write... thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tracy even though i had a great dad i do feel for you this is why u have the man of your dreams aka Jim and not only a mother but she is also your best friend way to go mom u have the most beautiful daughter that we all love xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Tracy :) <3

    L

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from ya! Thanks for stopping by!