Thursday, July 14, 2011

Oh honey, not the bloody watermelon again!!!!

While I cannot recall the date, I can pin down the exact moment the gerbils started spinning their wheels in my over-sexed, forty something, better half’s brain.

It was a morning several weeks back, I had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting at our bistro table in our living room applying the goop to my face that would eventually make me acceptable enough to step out into public.  My better half was sitting, still half asleep, on our love seat dozing while the television blared out the morning traffic news.  I don’t know where you live, but where I live they have this version of the morning news called “Breakfast Television”, just a revved up more interesting version of the regular daily current events with tidbits here and tidbits there, and something for both sexes.  Somewhere in the midst of it all, a quick blurb was made about the powerful aphrodisiac qualities of the bountiful fruit, better known as the bane of my existence, or by it’s proper name, the watermelon.  For men, it was nature’s inexpensive version of viagra.  For women, it was guaranteed to find your middle aged lost mojo.  As for me, I didn’t give it a second thought.

Later that week we went off to do the dirty business of grocery shopping, a chore that I vehemently abhor.  In the middle of the veggie aisle, my better half came walking towards me with the mother of all watermelons.  Shocked, I reminded him that there was just the two of us and that I was concerned that at least half of it would go bad or go to waste before we finished eating it.  He, gently reminded me that it was summer, and watermelon was the “best of summer foods.”  A little bit stupefied, I stood there quizzically staring at him wondering what summer he was talking about, since as of today, I am still wearing a coat to work.  I chalked it up to him looking for the rainbow in the grey sky and off we trotted home with our 20 pound bouncing baby melon.

For the next hellish two weeks of my life, I would wake up every morning to watermelon cut and laid out for me for breakfast, slices cut and snuck into my lunch, and a plate full at night to finish off dinner.  I was getting to the point where I waterlogged, bloated and ridiculously watermeloned out.  In fact, I ate so much watermelon that I spent every night peeing like a race horse, and so exhausted the next morning from having my poor who-ha permanently attached to the toilet, that I was starting to doze off at work.

In between the bladder overload and my exhaustion of sitting on the toilet all night, my better half was becoming ridiculously amorous.  Now listen, I like sex. But I have to admit that I have moments, of course, where the chronic pain is so bad, that I definitely do not want Tab A inserted into Slot B.  In fact, those are the days I would like to shred the human handbook of lovemaking.  But for the most part I am happy to oblige, partake and enjoy.

After two long weeks of eating that bloody pink atrocity and two weeks of peeing most of my body weight out, my better half finally pops up with “damn watermelon’s not working!” With a final dawning of realization of why a melon had been thrust down my throat for the last 2 weeks, I looked up at my better half and said: “Damn stinkin’ breakfast television!”  And then I got up and dumped that blasted pink seeded piece of horniness unceremoniously right into the garbage and walked away.

Oh now, don’t feel too bad for better half because after a good couple nights of sleep and some recuperation time, my better half was duly rewarded. But in the meantime, let's hope that he finally understand the definition of moderation!  And if I see another blasted watermelon, I am tossing it right out of my second floor window!

Until Next Time.


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  1. I absolutely love watermelon. I never notice a libido difference when I am or am not eating it. Of course that could be because I am constantly ready to partake in anything a young lady is ready to dish out.

  2. lmao - that story is awesome :)
    you are too funny!

    ...and where can I get me a sexy little watermelon thong like in the picture??

  3. Off to buy some watermelon. Stat.

  4. lol, great post! I guess the saying goes, good things come to those who wait? lol


  5. LOL--I loved this, and I love watermelon. Not sure if it ignites my hormones, since I pretty much live with those little flaring s.o.b.'s on a daily basis.

  6. That. Is. Hilarious! I am sorry you were bloated and uncomfortable but I am laughing my patootey off over here. I love watermelon but have never felt the overwhelming urge to jump a man's bones after eating it. Hahaha. Too great.

  7. Oh dear, we love watermelon in our family. Is that why two of my daughters are pregnant right now?! I'm throwing out the rest before the third daughter eats some!

  8. You poor thing! And your poor whoo-ha! But it *is* hilarious. Guess it's a good thing I don't like watermelon. (insert evil laugh here)

  9. Hope it was seedless. Because if that thing had seeds, your better half would be sporting a gatling gun.

  10. oh my, how ambitious and funny of the better half to try to hook you up with the hornies by way of watermelon! maybe i need some. i could use a jump start these days.

  11. Oh man, I just wrote the comment then forgot to write the stupid word at the bottom. Oh well, I was just going to say that explains why my husband is always buying watermelon this time of year, but I rarely eat it, cause I know it makes me pee.

  12. I love watermelon! This was so funny! I can imagine the look on your face everday when you saw the watermelon waiting for you!

  13. I love watermelon flavored stuff, I like the taste of watermelon but I can't eat any melon. The consistency of it gags me. But I've never, never heard of it being considered an aphrodisiac >shrugs<

    Maybe it's one of those things the media makes up when they haven't got anything else to report.

  14. I think I am going to have to agree with Mustang Sally... the only thing it did was make me pee!!!!

    and Kelly, search sexy watermelon and those undies will come up for you girl!

    You guys are awesome with the comments... thanks for taking the time to read it lovely ones!

  15. Watermelon is one of my favourite fruits. I never noticed any side effects other than needing to pee at least twice as much to evacuate it from my body, though, lol

  16. thats it, no more watermelon for my teenage son. Enough hormone stuff happening without that fruit adding to it.
    Thanks for a wonderful post and I am sorry you had to go through all that. I guess at least he wasnt force feeding you oysters

  17. That's a first for me. Never heard that one before in my 51 years. Amazing what men will do to go to the ends of the earth for sex!! I want to meet the man who takes Cialis and has an erection lasting more than 4 hours. Now that would be my watermelon!!!!

  18. I can only eat so much watermelon. One year we grew them cause Honeyman wanted to and we had so many of them and nobody wanted to take any. I got so sick of it. I don't care if I ever have it again. It made me irritated. He wanted it and I got stuck eating it.

  19. Haha ya, it's kinda hard to think about anything happening down there when you have to pee all the time! Kudos to you for playing along! Now I want some watermelon (just for taste, my man lives 5 hours away..)

  20. Hahaha! Hey, at least it wasn't oysters ;)

  21. haha. Too much watermelon is better than too much oysters. I guess, those aphrodisiac foods must be consumed in moderation, not too much or too little in order to

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