Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Soul Searching


I silently stand on the edge of my lawn looking beyond my corner of the world, past my neighbourhood and deep into the cerulean sky.  With resignation, I close my eyes tightly and feel the warm wind of summer whipping its magic around me. It scoops up the tendrils of my hair and tickles me lightly with them.  I breathe in, I breathe out, trying to find that balance and centre that has been alluding me of late.

I stand there for what seems like an eternity with my feet firmly planted solid into the earth trying to find a connection that will ground me.  I am not lost but I feel my thoughts wandering aimlessly around and away from me.  I chalk it up to being tired.  I am tired.  The pain makes me tired, my job makes me tired, and lately, life is making me tired.

Slowly, I saunter back to my house.  I neither wish to go in nor do I wish to continue standing like a lunatic in the middle of my yard for the neighbours to watch. What a crazy girl they must think I am.

Reluctantly, I open the door and instantly feel the pressures come tumbling towards me. They are so slight in nature these pressures, but they are there, like some type of omnipresence coming to engulf me.  They come in all shapes and forms and they require decisions, but my decision making skills seem to be on hold for the time being.

And I see those pressures more firmly etched within the lines of my better half’s handsome face.  With a self absorbed sigh, I turn away from him and proceed to try and squat down to give my little pooch some much needed love, all the while forgetting that my knee won’t allow me to do this one simple maneuver. And with an ungraceful thud, I fall to the floor, shaking almost everything around me and causing a bit of commotion and worry with my better half.  Sadly, I am a constant worry to him. I have aged him, I think, and somedays I yearn to be a better and different woman for him.

Later in the evening, I am without words to add to the conversation and I kiss the two men in my life goodnight and slip into bed where I can be by myself.  I push my thoughts aside and wish. In the morning it will be better, I tell myself.  In the morning, it will be better.

And as daylight breaks, I find myself wandering outside once more, digging my feet deep into the earth, praying for answers.  I am soul searching.

Until Next Time.

Tracy

19 comments:

  1. keep searching hun, nothing wrong with that.

    Beautifully written ox

    Kelly @ My Joy Project
    http://myjoyproject.blogspot.com/

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  2. I hope you can find what you search for.

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  3. Thank you girls... Right now Ruth, I am just "searching" for particular brand of pickles that I can't seem to find! LOL

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  4. I hate to put it this way, but... adversity really puts a shine on your writing! Here's hoping your writing skills turn to "crap" again soon!

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  5. It is beautifully written..many of us have been there or are there..

    Always wishing for a better tomorrow..hoping actually..wishing makes it sound selfish..hoping..is like a prayer:).. it's what keeps many going..Be it for a relationship.. joy..health.. love.. camaraderie..friendship..

    I hope all your dreams come true.

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  6. Ahhh, pickles. I know how that search can be.

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  7. Each day we can only hope for a better day when it comes to physical pain. I live with it daily and some days are better than others. Yesterday and today are bad days so hope tomorrow is better. I'm so with you on this, you have no idea. If you want to vent, I'm here. Hugs!!

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  8. I agree with CW, adversity truly brings out your best writing. Isn't that how it is though? True art is born by the birth travails of pain. I really hope you feel better soon, physically and emotionally, though at times, one seems to be a little easier to obtain than the other. Keep searching my friend, "search and you shall find'.
    Much love.

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  9. i'm sorry you had to thud to the ground today. stupid knee. sometimes i don't think i even know what i'm looking for.
    egad, i have nothing to offer tonight.

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  10. Hi Tacy.......This post was beautifully written......I'll grant you that.....but I know you are one fabulous writer WITHOUT the pain. I just finished reading a book called "Acedia and Me" by Kathleen Norris. Might help....you might want to take a look.....just a thought.

    Get better and hang in there.

    xo

    Jo

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  11. I think I've managed to age my sweetie in the past 9 years, too! And not from any physical stuff--just plain old wearing him down with my incessant chatter, issues, and the most annoying thing I can say to him "I can't." He just hates that.

    Tomorrow is another day, sweetie, and you shall arise just like Scarlett. Just don't wear the curtains.

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  12. oh, this whole post is my life. I have wandered around my yard aimlessly in my hot pink robe for 2 months, although there is no escape from the pressure there either.

    every growing thing is closing in on me, and the pressure inside well, I can say one thing. Medication.

    Medication.

    Not the depressed kind, the pain kind.

    The ones that numb the pain and the brain, so you can mindlessly fall asleep any moment of the day.

    I said to hubby...2 months has flown by!

    He looked at me incredulously....and said gruffly..."only for you"

    I am with you painfully in body and spirit friend.

    Melissa

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  13. You find a lot of good things when you're searching!

    Pearl

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  14. Beautiful writing! May your soul find balance soon.

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  15. You guys put the greatest comments. Thanks so much!!!

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  16. I think, for all of us
    at one time or another
    we ALL need to do some soul searching
    and it might take a long time.
    that was beautifully written

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  17. "The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire." ~Ferdinand Foch

    "Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul." ~Mark Twain

    Words that echo truth, I believe. Our souls need be searched and kept tidy for the duration of our days. I pray that these little tidbits find you on the mend, friend.

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  18. Dearest Tracy, such beautiful writing, I know I have told you but you are so talented! Hang in there, I know dealing with living with that kind of chronic pain must be exhausting, but you just have to try to take it one day at a time.

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