Monday, January 16, 2012


I have the Public Washroom woes.

Horrified by the site of a public piddling station since I was wee tall, I have done my best over the years to visit as few as possible.

Not in anyway designed for comfort, the effort to maintain any sense of dignity is all but non existent for me the moment I enter one of these torture contraptions.

To wit: last evening, my better half and I had taken my lovely sister in law and her hubby out for a pre-birthday dinner in her honour. Knowing my distaste for the public washroom, I usually refrain from drinking anything of an abundance in order to take the pressure off my bladder until I can safely use my own bathroom at home. However, with it being a cold night, the bistro we were at had upped their heating bill by cranking it to an almost uncomfortable temperature. Hot and parched, I removed clothing piece upon clothing piece to the point where I was one more clothing piece away from being charged with indecent exposure. With my throat parched and dry and my body as clothes free as humanly decent, my last resort was to suck back copious amounts of liquid to assist in my rather dry and soon to be hoarse voice.

It didn’t take long for my wee wee to be quite full of potential pee pee! In my stubbornness, I sat there fidgeting and wiggling and crossing my rather short stubby legs in order to avoid a potential catastrophe. Thirty agonizing minutes later, and trying to eat my salad in a calm collective manner, I started moving my butt around whilst I did my own version of a happy pee dance.

Mental telepathy and willing my faithful entourage who were blindly enjoying their meals to suck back their food quickly in order for me to get home to my faithful bathroom companion, was to no avail. The only process that was speeding up was the pressure that was pushing upon my rather weak bladder.

Finally, I gave up the fight and myself and my dignity trotted our way off to the despicable door that would ultimately lead to my relief.

It was only then as I entered into that dubious room, that I realized that they had squished in three very petite bathrooms stalls into what was obviously a two bathroom stall square footage.

Squeezing my big old butt around, I twisted and turned and cranked into position, steadied myself up onto my tip toes and precariously squatted several inches above the toilet in what could be described as an acrobatic pose. With my pants around my knees and slowly slipping towards my ankles, I did my business and reached for the rather large, space consuming toilet paper dispenser and yanked out nothing but a inch by inch square of single ply paper. Knowing that this would not be sufficient, I desperately grabbed and ripped and ripped and ripped one teeny piece after another teeny piece of toilet paper that would not have even wiped a mouse’s butt, let alone mine! Frustrated by the fact that the single sheeted toilet paper was not strong enough to pull around the enormous roll of toilet paper, I continued to rock back and fourth trying to maintain my acrobatic pose when, with one great big tug on the toilet paper, I found myself losing my balance and heading straight towards the bathroom stall door!

And with what could only be described as the most gawd awful sight known too man, I fell head first into the door stall, forcing the door stall right open, straight into the vanity, with my pants now around my ankles, my ass to the wind, still clutching nothing but a single sheet of single ply stinking toilet paper!!!

And there I stood, and there she stood, the older lady who just came threw the door.

And all I could say whilst she stared horrified at my exposed bottom half was: “Yup, goodbye Dignity!”

Until Next Time.



  1. Very funny. My wife also hates to use public restrooms and laughed out loud when I read this to her. Thanks for the great laugh, even though I'm sorry it was at your expense.

  2. Hahhahahaha. Gotta make sure the door is locked nice and tight...

  3. Oh the Public Bathroom woes... The most irritating thing to me is when you're in the stall, your pants are around your ankles, and some impatient person starts rattling the door and yelling: "Hello?! Is anyone in there?" Obviously if the door is locked, the stall is occupied. *sigh* Talk about lack of dignity!

  4. yipe! *you're pants. lol auto correct fail!

  5. I've never lost balance, but have come awfully close before. I think we can all relate to the toilet paper scenario.

  6. oh my gosh, yikes! goodbye dignity, indeed!
    i can't avoid public bathrooms because i lack bladder control and have to use almost every one i pass, but why must they all smell so foul?! are the women of the world so intensely funky that they stink up a room when they drop their pants?

  7. I'm so sorry but I just about emptied my own bladder laughing! Only you my darlin' Tracy! I've often thought about just giving up and going for the extra strength Depends. After reading this, I'm closer to a decision. ;~)

  8. awwwwwwwwwww poor sunshine I know the feeling.I can all relate to the toilet paper scenario too


  9. Having to pee in an open trough in line with lots of Chinese women outside of a cave in rural China pretty much took care of dignity for me!

  10. LMAO How embarrassing!! Poor Tracy!!

  11. HOW oh HOW do you EVER get yourself into these situations???????????????? YOu poor thing, you will probably suffer from PSTD after this event.

    I have it all imagined in my head and one second I am laughing and the next thinking oh no! Is she ok?

    Please tell me what establishment this was so I never have to do the Tracey Ass Plunge.

  12. Just think Tracy....the old lady has a story to tell anyone willing to listen!

  13. Oh dear, you have cheered up my morning! Public loos are terrible but the men's are even worse, the smell is diabolical!!!

  14. LOL, how embarrassing!! I hate it when I have to go, and the last person has left a stench so bad, Im nearly gagging when going!! To make matters worse, the next person to use the loo thinks it was me who left the stench!

    I must look strange when I have to use the public loo, as I use my foot/elblow/keys to open and close doors, because of germs Ugh!! Best to be avoided at all costs!!


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