Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Splinter of a different kind...

I have always been on the fence in my life fighting a battle between happiness and unhappiness, positive and negative, joy and sorrow.

Cursed with equal parts of my mother's optimism and my father's pessimism, life has been a bit of a challenge for me in my efforts to remain more closely linked to the rose coloured glasses version of the world.  And it gets tiring I have to tell you.

Why is it that being negative seems so much easier than being positive?  Why can't you be optimistic every day with little to no effort?

I have found throughout the years that my father's pessimism wins far too frequently in my every day life. Of course, things like the world news, my local news, facebook links of abuse to animals, abuse to people, abuse to children seem to run rampant and fuel this part of my soul. 

I often wished I lived on an island surrounded only by the ones that I love, beautiful music and art, animals that wouldn't eat me, nature in general and all the colours of the rainbow.  Of course, somewhere in my perfect version of life, I would be the proverbial Dorothy living with the munchkins in munchkin land sucking on lollipops until my teeth fell out, without the wicked witch who would still be stuck flying around in Kansas giving some other poor soul a run for their money. In other words, I would be happiest with my head crammed up my ass.

But really, how dreadful is my life (*que violin music please)...  Well let's see, even though I work in a dead-end, uncreative job, I do make a fairly decent wage, have benefits and receive four weeks paid holidays every year.  And though this dead end job is not what I dreamed I would be doing, financially it allows me to have a pretty decent personal life. And even though my better half and my relationship was not the passionate love affairs that movies are made from (damn those stinking movies), it was a love affair that grew over time and now has established into an amazing relationship filled with kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration. And even though I live in a fairly unattractive city, it seems to sit in the middle of a beautiful landscape of rolling hills, mountains, trees as far as the eyes can see, with lakes and the pounding lyrical song of the ocean's crashing waves.

So what's my problem?

And why do I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to find that elusive happiness?  

And why do I have moments throughout my life where I feel unfilled?

I think that somewhere in my brain, I have short circuited and told myself that life is always about being happy, with no turbulence, no strife, no effort. And, if I was truthful with myself, I would have to admit that it is a mindset that needs to be corrected. The question is how...

The question has always been how.

And whilst I sit on this proverbial fence trying to figure out what will make my heart tick in happiness, I can tell you that sitting here for too long not only leaves a fence railing imprint on your big old butt, but also overtime, your ass gets full of splinters. Yup, painful annoying splinters that keep reminding me that at some point, I must step down from that fence and get on with life because if I don't, that splinter will become permanent. And as the years go by, I fear it will fester into a splinter of a different kind. And I can tell you, that is one splinter I could do without.

Until Next Time.



  1. It truly is hard work to stay upbeat and happy. You're right when you ask why? I'd like to know too. However, I'd take upbeat over down and depressed any day. I've been down lately and I hate myself but I'm coming out of it. And smiling! Great post!

  2. Hmmm...I think everyone has those moments where they go "Is this enough? This is my LIFE. Is it good enough?" It's tricky.

  3. I stuggle with pesimissim.......exept my cup runneth over with it......and I have a log in my butt.....so there that should make your cup of positive overflowing....

  4. I also wish I could spell correctly....the first time I look, and the 2nd and 3rd....

  5. I have often thought that the hardest part of life, was figuring out what we want to do with the life that we have.

    You know when your on the right track when you find that you "lose yourself" in something. You don't notice the track of time, and you could talk about it all day. Then, when you get bored of that, take up something else. That really helped me when I was in jobs I didn't care for.
    I must blog about my inspiration person when I get the chance! :)

    Damn those romantic movies!! Making us believe we can live happily ever after!!.....Well maybe if I had Brad Pitt attending my every whim, that would make me very happy indeed LOL!!

  6. Pretty much the way I see things... except I don't think I'd use the "fence" metaphor. The bad thing with the pessimist side is it makes you feel like you're dragging the whole world with you whereever you go. And does your island have chocolate and some music? I really think I'd like it there... except for the head up your ass part. I don't care if all the colors of the rainbow are there, I have to draw the line.

  7. Growing up it was my mother who always saw the dark side of life while my dad was the positive one. Dad is gone now and Mom lives her life like a comet is headed our way. Sometimes after spending time with her I can't wait for that comet to arrive.

  8. See, I respectively disagree.

    I have always found it easier to be positive about things, and in turn positive things tend to come out of them. In fact, everyone I know is shocked if I don't respond with "It's ALL good" on a daily basis.

    It's sickening really. I should really seek a 12 step program somewhere.

  9. i like that on your dream island, you've thought about it enough to include the "no animals who will eat me" clause.
    i read this immediately after reading an email from my mom saying she's leaving for africa in 10 days and to please pray that no animals eat her while she's there.
    you guys are on the same wave length here.

  10. Life is not always about being happy. It's about being content with your life interspersed with moments of joy. And I am not going to get started about what I think of what goes for romantic movies.

  11. If we were happy all the time we wouldn't know it.

  12. It only takes one moment to make you appreciate what you have - one moment when you think your life will end. It happened to me when I was 38 and through a mix up I thought my number was up. For a few hours I seriously thought that was it...I looked at my 2 year old and was tortured by what may lie ahead for her. Then, like a miracle, it had all been a mistake and I felt as euphoric and grateful as a girl can feel! It changed my life! Nothing much matters to me now as long as the people I love are OK and we are all alive! Very basic! Sure there are ups and downs, but that horrible experience released me from superficial concerns and showed me that actually not very much matters......you just have to take happiness where you find it and nearly everything that is wrong can be righted and if it can't, does it really matter that much - just let it go? People often comment on my positive attitude, but it's easy because I am just grateful to be here!

  13. I'm Eyeore to the core! I constantly struggle with that.
    things I did:
    #1. cancelled the cable and don't watch news
    #2. focus on finding meaningful work outside of my job, work that helps other people
    #3. get my hair done a lot more often.

    amazing! Although I rely heavily on faith in God too.

  14. I've battled with clinical depression since I was 12 though I wasn't diagnosed until I was about 19 and every day is a struggle. It's a struggle to sit on the fence and it's a struggle to leap to the other side when I've fallen to the other and decide I want something else.

    No matter which side you choose though, dear Tracy, you will find happiness because I do think that your optimism outshines any pessimism. *hugs*

  15. You have such a great sense of humour which is another big positive. I spent a lot of my life waiting for things to be perfect, now I just take it a day at a time and look for positives around me whether big or small xxxx

  16. You guys are all so great for giving me such thoughtful comments! Thank you so much!

  17. It is strange how much easier it is not to be happy.

  18. What you said about your relationship with your man pretty much parallels mine. We started off as friends, even fought obvious chemistry before a deep comfortable love developed. It was gentle and caring and marrying him was one of the happiest days of my life.
    I try to find happiness in the small things in life, but it is impossible and really probably undesirable to expect to be constantly happy. Without some sadness, how would we know happiness? Without heartbreak how do we truly know love? I would hate to live in a climate where the seasons never change, where there are no spring bulbs or autumn leaves.

    Truly, those that say they are always happy must be medicated or live very bland lives

  19. What was it that dear old Abe Lincoln said....."Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."




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