Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Living in Fiber Hell

Last year, one of my more brighter ideas was to cleanse my body of all toxins. I, after all was said done, quite successful in my, let’s say, cleaning house endeavours. My body, by all accounts, was feeling quite chipper. In fact, I would even go so far as to say elated with joy. Inflammation had dramatically dropped, poundage on my body melted off, my energy level soared, I could run up and down the stairs with narry an ache, and above all, my happiness quotient over the situation peaked me into an orgasmic state.

However, the downside was that I nearly gave myself an aneurysm half a dozen times whilst I struggled with the delicate topic of expelling my lady like bowels. Yes, I was painfully constipated and constantly concerned, as I said in a previous post, that my better half would find me on the floor of our bathroom with half a poop sticking out.

Somewhere during this process, I had made a dramatic discovery between the correlation of the pain in my body and the food that laid within the confines of my colon. When my colon was so clean that it was whistling dixie, my pain was virtually non existent. However, should my engine get a bit of a back up or plugged with sludge, well, let’s put it this way, the little engine that could, would start to suffer some serious internal combustion problems!

I knew that wheat had become my enemy, or better yet the little protein gluten contained within the wheat was a major contributing factor, and still is, to the pain that I suffered. I was at a quandary, or impasse to say the least. Without gluten, I felt wonderful, but plugged up. Without eating gluten, I was seeing stars on my toilet.

In order to save myself any further harm or brain damage, I spent the greater part of December and a bit of this month, traversing the aisles at the different local grocery stores on my quest to fill my fibre need sans gluten.

Surprising, it really has not been such a difficult transition from gluten to rice flour or almond flour. I have enjoyed my excursion to the sprouted wheat bread section of the local grocery store and have thoroughly enjoyed it instead of the genetically modified ground version. I have found the most gawd awful rice crackers and the best raspberry cookies ever, I have eaten bread that tastes like cardboard, and then ahhhed and ooohed over amazing pizza crust and tortillas shells, all in the name of living a gluten free lifestyle. What I can tell you is that living without gluten has forced me to try and enjoy the offerings of other grains, ancient grains, grains I have never heard of, grains that are impacting my life.

What I have also learned is that those grains work like a hot damn. No longer singing the constipated blues in the toilette, there are days that those bloody grains work a little too well. Now the food in my body is squealing in high delight as it exits my nether region like water on a slide.

In any event, I am definitely prepared to do what it takes to make my body happier, and well, let's face it, anything is better than living in fiber hell.

Until Next Time.



  1. ooo, going gluten free is tough! but heck, if your body loves it, then i'm sure it's worth the effort.
    have you tried quinoa yet? that's my newest grain discovery that i really like.

  2. If you can manage to eat enough fiber that your body is making mooring lines (well, decidedly "smelly" mooring lines), then you're doing fine.
    On the other hand, straining whilst on the throne can definitely result in the agony of "de seat."
    "Why, no, Mr. Penwasser, your colon is supposed to be on the INside of your body."

  3. Have I told you lately how I adore how you tell your stories? You make it so funny, even though it probably doesn't feel so funny to you at the time! lol If your colon or innards were whistling dixie, that is quite a feat!

  4. I keep meaning to try quinoa Sherilin, I don't know why I haven't except possibly because i am lazy!!!

    Oh Al, perhaps I should have waited to read your comment after I finished eating! LOL!!!

    And thank you Jday, you know what you could not have said a nicer thing to me, especially tonight, when I needed to hear something good! You rock my friend!

  5. Ooof. That sounds tricky, but I'm glad you're adjusting well!

  6. Tracy: you crack me up. Get it? Crack? Ha Ha!!!

    I think you're awesome for trying the gluten free life. It will lead you to some really good food! And everyone feels better after a good poop.

  7. Tracy, you are a great story teller. There are so many gluten free products out there now and so many recipes on line for gluten free cooking.
    I lost 4 days of my life (on a really drastic cleanse) sitting on the toilet from morning to night to morning!

  8. Al's joke has me in stitches! So did this post. And I agree with Carole, you are a great story teller. So many people are finding the gluten free diet works wonders. I'm glad it's working for you!

  9. There are groups that meet up only to eat gluten free lunches. These groups of ladies meet together once a month at a restaurant and hava a good time......Ann is the name of the lady here and i used to get her email....maybe I can try to dig around and find her if you are interested.

  10. My friends who have gone gluten free swear by it. I haven't the courage for it yet, but it clearly is a healthy choice.

  11. Glad to hear your eating well! The fear of growing a flower out my butt is making me second quess my diet!

  12. Hey, that's what I'm here for! To keep kissing ass, I'll inform you that your blog I often copy the link to my personal Facebook to give my friends a good laugh. Because some of your stories have me crying from laughing so hard. Either that or I nearly pee my pants.

    *bloggy hugs*

    P.S. Postcards are in the mail. :o)

  13. Yup Gia, adjusting pretty well! well sort of!

    Sue, amazingly I do feel much better after a poop! LOL!!

    Awww thank you Carole and Stephanie for saying that (and Al always cracks me up!)

    I didn't know there were groups Melissa, I should look for one around where I live! What a great idea.. .maybe I should start one!

    I definitely have more energy off gluten Galen!

    Ironically Bersercules, I ate sunflower bread when I wrote this yesterday and did wonder whether I would be sprouting anything soon!

    Oh Jday, you share my blog!!! I am so touched, well I am touched in lots of ways, but seriously, that is so cool! Thank you lovely one!

  14. oh my....I hate being constipated.
    feels sometimes Like I am trying to give Birth, just to have a bowel movement.

    anway, maybe you should look into finding Elizabeth Hasselbacks' (sp) cookbook of gluten free. She is the blonde gal on the view.
    had gluten issues
    anyway....we have to find the things that work for and against our bodies
    and take care of ourselves
    so as not to grow a flower out our butt...ha ha that photo is funny

  15. Oh Miss Tracy you make me giggle. But I am really happy that the change in diet is helping you feel better.

  16. Gluten free is so hard and I only attempted to consider it for like 1/2 a day, I was confused and flustered and I decided that it would be too hard, but let me tell you that my pregnancy and post-partum (much worse) included some of the most horrific constipation WITH hemmoroids that all the fiber and ex-lax and stool softeners couldn't even tackle so I totally understand when your butthole is on the war path. Mine was a hot mess it was so out of control!! LOL!

  17. I've been thinking about trying a GF diet. Not just any store around here carries the stuff. I also am going to try quinoa, it sounds awesome.


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