Thursday, September 16, 2010


So today was the day of all days, after 7 long months of testing and seeing specialists, I was about to receive my final results and would I or wouldn't I have this disease that they were sure I had and that the preliminary test results said I had.  

Last night I walked on egg shells with my pulse rate racing, you know when you can hear the blood pumping in your ears, and I had difficulty falling asleep.  And I just kept repeating the same mantra over and over and over until I was ready to slap myself in the back of the head:  "Tracy have faith, Tracy have faith, Tracy you must have faith".  This has always been difficult for me simply because I have little faith in many aspects of my life. 

And while laying in the darkness of my bed last night I remember thinking to myself "why should I have faith" and just as quick as I said that a voice popped into my head "because you just must."  That was it, a simple answer to a very complicated question.  No more no less, I just had to believe that this was not what the fates had planned for me.  It for me has been a difficult and painful journey of 17 long years of never ending pain with each year increasing from the last.  I wake up with pain, I deal with it all day and I go to bed with it, to get up and repeat, and to be honest, I am tired of fighting it and have to say that at times I really feel that this is not what I signed up for in life, even though I truly believe that every hand you are dealt is for learning in order to make you a better human. But with that said, I have actually known in my heart that I just couldn't battle anything more because simply I am just too tired.

So today, I made the 1.5 hour trek to the Specialists office, who sat me down and said:  "well Tracy, you are anemic", well that is easily solved says me, "and Tracy, you do have a bad case of fibromyalgia" (I still can live with that) "and Tracy, we did fine osteoarthritis in several areas of your body" (no surprise as my mother has it) "but Tracy, even though your body is full of inflammation and we are not sure why and you exhibit all the signs of connective tissue disease, you do not have Lupus."  I   DON'T   HAVE   LUPUS!!!!!  And then I exhaled, a long, hard, purposeful exhale of 7 months of tension, followed by an energetic, unexpected hug to a very surprised Specialist, and I have to tell you that I wasn't sure who had the bigger smile on their face, me or him. And then I cried. A good cry.  One of those wonderful, shake the crap out of your body, doing a happy dance on the spot, wash the mascara off your face, big old happy crocodile tears of joy.

Ironically, it hasn't solved what I am fighting, but the joyful part is that it hasn't added anymore to my fight, and for that I am grateful beyond words, beyond anything I could ever express, and you can be darn sure that I thanked the Powers that Be for watching over me.

Later, my better half took me out after that and bought me this ring.  He calls it the "faith ring".  It is large, bold and strong and is ready for battle and every time I feel like I am losing the war, he tells me that I should look down at it as a reminder to keep the faith.  And you know what, he's right.  And while I have won this part of the battle, I still have to figure out along with the assistance of my lovely Specialist on how to conquer the war.  What I do know is what I have to say to this pain in my body:  "don't get too comfortable there buddy, because I am about to drop kick your ass right out of here!!!" Yup, I am! Whatever it takes, and when I am finished with it, it will be high tailing it right to the high country! 

In the meantime, I would like to thank you all for your kind words on my last post.  The comments were so lovely, that each and everyone of you touched my heart in a very special way.  Blogging is so difficult for me as my hands are so swollen, but I am going to keep up with it because you make my life better and so I thank you for popping by and visiting me.

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches.


  1. I'm so happy for your diagnosis. Yes, you have issues to deal with, but nothing dire.

    And, like your ring, your faith should be large, bold, and strong.


  2. I'm glad you're better than you thought you might be. Life would be a lot harder without such a special, loving husband. And thank you for making my life better with your wonderful blog and comments.

  3. Great news!! I hope that you continue to get better and continue to keep the faith.

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  5. Please forgive me..I could not find your email addy..I wanted to send you a note..Is there an email option somewhere?
    It's an Average Life

    La Table De Nana said...
    I think the ring will be..May The Force Be With You~ring:)It's beautiful and touching.
    I am happy that you were happy.

  6. Thank God. I am so happy your diagnosis is something manageable. I can only imagine an enormous weight has been lifted off your shoulders. *Hugs*

  7. i admire you very much... your better half is such a good man, i am sure he makes walking in your shoes much lighter... wishing you only the best.

  8. Good news indeed,now you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's a long tunnel.
    Keep us informed:)

  9. Oh Tracy I'm so happy for that bit of good news. Another wonderful post too. And that 'better half' of yours... is SO a keeper!! And LOVE the ring!

  10. Awesome news! xoxo

  11. Wow, your faith saw your thru this! Finally, you can, with the help of your Specialist, begin ridding your body of the pain. Now there can be a real plan of action! Hooray!! I'm so happy!
    What a better half you have...that ring is fabulous!

  12. Wow....reading you post gave me chills. I have been dealing with something very similar. After several visits with various drs., x-rays, numerous blood draws, what started out as me maybe having Rhuematoid Arthritis has turned into a battle with severe anemia and some osteoarthritis. I swear that I turned 40 and my body has turned on me, lol.

    It does seem that we are both fortunate women to have such special husbands in our lives.

  13. Oh, that is good news! And thank you so much for the update! And that's the thing with faith, it's not for a reason, or have to do with logic....or it wouldn't be faith. It's more a knowing..a trusting...
    Your ring is gorgeous and the meaning makes it even more beautiful!

  14. That is wonderful news!
    A very good friend of my husband has fybromalgia and, after years of enduring constant pain, she has found relief and is having a better quality of life by doing 2 things: Yoga and change of diet (she has eliminated all dairy,wheat and processed food with preservatives,etc). As for yoga, she was telling me that when she starts practicing the pain is huge, at its peak, and then it starts receding with every asana and after that, she can enjoy a few hours of being painless. She has even been able to travel from Brussels (where she lives) to India twice! (which is huge effort, because it's a very long trip!)
    I hope you don't think I am some kind of crazy person for mentioning this,I just wanted to let you what I know has worked for a person we personally know, in case you thought it could be worth exploring...
    Have a beautiful day!

  15. Great news Tracy! I am just catching up and was thrilled to read this post... Staystrong my friend :)



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