Last night I walked on egg shells with my pulse rate racing, you know when you can hear the blood pumping in your ears, and I had difficulty falling asleep. And I just kept repeating the same mantra over and over and over until I was ready to slap myself in the back of the head: "Tracy have faith, Tracy have faith, Tracy you must have faith". This has always been difficult for me simply because I have little faith in many aspects of my life.
And while laying in the darkness of my bed last night I remember thinking to myself "why should I have faith" and just as quick as I said that a voice popped into my head "because you just must." That was it, a simple answer to a very complicated question. No more no less, I just had to believe that this was not what the fates had planned for me. It for me has been a difficult and painful journey of 17 long years of never ending pain with each year increasing from the last. I wake up with pain, I deal with it all day and I go to bed with it, to get up and repeat, and to be honest, I am tired of fighting it and have to say that at times I really feel that this is not what I signed up for in life, even though I truly believe that every hand you are dealt is for learning in order to make you a better human. But with that said, I have actually known in my heart that I just couldn't battle anything more because simply I am just too tired.
So today, I made the 1.5 hour trek to the Specialists office, who sat me down and said: "well Tracy, you are anemic", well that is easily solved says me, "and Tracy, you do have a bad case of fibromyalgia" (I still can live with that) "and Tracy, we did fine osteoarthritis in several areas of your body" (no surprise as my mother has it) "but Tracy, even though your body is full of inflammation and we are not sure why and you exhibit all the signs of connective tissue disease, you do not have Lupus." I DON'T HAVE LUPUS!!!!! And then I exhaled, a long, hard, purposeful exhale of 7 months of tension, followed by an energetic, unexpected hug to a very surprised Specialist, and I have to tell you that I wasn't sure who had the bigger smile on their face, me or him. And then I cried. A good cry. One of those wonderful, shake the crap out of your body, doing a happy dance on the spot, wash the mascara off your face, big old happy crocodile tears of joy.
Ironically, it hasn't solved what I am fighting, but the joyful part is that it hasn't added anymore to my fight, and for that I am grateful beyond words, beyond anything I could ever express, and you can be darn sure that I thanked the Powers that Be for watching over me.
Later, my better half took me out after that and bought me this ring. He calls it the "faith ring". It is large, bold and strong and is ready for battle and every time I feel like I am losing the war, he tells me that I should look down at it as a reminder to keep the faith. And you know what, he's right. And while I have won this part of the battle, I still have to figure out along with the assistance of my lovely Specialist on how to conquer the war. What I do know is what I have to say to this pain in my body: "don't get too comfortable there buddy, because I am about to drop kick your ass right out of here!!!" Yup, I am! Whatever it takes, and when I am finished with it, it will be high tailing it right to the high country!
In the meantime, I would like to thank you all for your kind words on my last post. The comments were so lovely, that each and everyone of you touched my heart in a very special way. Blogging is so difficult for me as my hands are so swollen, but I am going to keep up with it because you make my life better and so I thank you for popping by and visiting me.
Until Next Time.