Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I have a secret addiction... well not so secret anymore.  I am sorely addicted to Atkins Endulge Carmel Nut Chew Bars.  Low in fact and low in sugar, they are absolutely marvelous to eat.  However, there is one small problem.  Okay, not so small.  One large and obviously stenchy problem.  They give me the TOOTS!  My mother affectionately refers to them as the fart bars and how can I correct her on this when it is so true.

I will try and save you the specifics, but let’s just say that within one hour of me eating one of these delicious delights, well my poor bottom becomes the human equivalent of a machine gun.  Needless to say, I have learned early on that I should only have one late in the afternoon so that the less-than-sweetly-smelling effects only affect my better half, much to his chagrin.

However, today I was plowing thru a project at work and was late getting out for lunch, and without thinking I opened up my drawer and just downed one of the bars to tied me over.  Can you say BIG MISTAKE?  BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!!!

Within an hour, my butt was cocked and loaded, and with absolutely no control, I started blurting out my butt rumblings at an alarming rate!

I ran to the photocopier room to hide out while I deposited my stinky onslaught, in the hopes that:

a. no one would hear; and

b. most importantly no one would smell them... Eeek!

And as I was there giving my butt carte blanche, I unfortunately could hear the recognizable steps and stride of my rather tall, long legged, boss.  Frantically, I started waiving my arms around like a chicken in the hopes it would dissipate the foul obnoxious odor that even I found offensive.  When I realized that flapping wasn’t going to assist, I started breathing, okay sucking back, my own odor in the hopes that I would have breathed it all in before he arrived. Choking and gagging, I was sure I had succeeded until I heard those words...

“Tracy, what is that smell... That is SOOOOOOO foul!”

Me: “I know I smell it too, smells like raw sewage.  I have no idea where it is coming from, perhaps from the doctors’ office downstairs?”

Him: “Wow, whatever it is, it’s horrible.”

Me: “I know, my eyes are burning.”

Him: “We should open a window” followed by him literally running out of room with a wrinkled up nose and a look of pure disgust.

Me: *sighing relief, followed by an uncontrollable outburst of giggles*

Ah yes, addictions come in all shapes and sizes my friend, they either leave you broke from shopping too much, laying on a street corner from drinking too much, in debt up to your eyeballs from gambling too much, or burnt butt syndrome from farting too much.

In any event, I am thinking it’s time for a less “lingering” addiction....any suggestions?

Until Next Time
Smooches Pooches

PS  Does anyone have some Glade air freshners?


  1. LOL Haven't a clue to a less lingering addition. Besides, if you fix too much, we won't have these hilarious posts to read. Love you just as you are, stinks and all.

  2. That had me laughing out loud. I can relate...I come from a long lineage of farters!!! I am AMAZING.

    and when YOU think they smell bad, that is when they are at their worst eh.

    everything gives me the toots. It's an old age thing.

  3. and p.s.
    I left a comment on Cocktail Hour

  4. I saw that Wendy!!! You are one funny chickalet!!!

  5. Nah Eva... I have had waaaaaayyyyyy more embarrassing moments...believe me!

  6. lovely! we call it crop dusting when you walk around work or a store & leave a cloud in the air as you go. you need to get some beano & maybe then you can keep your fart bars.

  7. Cocked and loaded - I'm rolling here! I have 'gas', and can't even figure out why. Toot toot beep beep..maybe you should hang a sign on your office door before you eat one of those bars?!?

  8. Oh my God! How funny! It's nice to know we are not alone in this affliction. I hate it when a customer lets loose a cloud of toxic waste in one of our book aisles, then I walk around the corner and directly into the cloud! Gag!! Or even better, when you're helping them find a book, and the Silent but Deadly hits. It's hard to keep a straight face and not just bust out laughing.

  9. I just realized..maybe you should have 'aired' this tomorrow on Thursday Toots? Just sayin' :))

  10. This is hilarious. I especially enjoyed the conversation piece, when everything else fails, play dumb, it works for me. And when it comes to releasing trapped air, I always say the smeller's the feller!!!

  11. Tracey... your comment made me smile big time and I want so much to thank you for the up-lift I so know the times when we feel sorry for ourselves,, just for 30 seconds.. that,s when I read your comment! Back to lay down, it's 4am and I'm gona try this thing called sleep....
    Thank you so much

  12. Me again.... I could not stop laughing at your post... OMG, too funny! You brought real life back into perspective.....
    Thank you, I needed that!

  13. This cracks me up...I think we've all done this at one time or another! Of course if it were my husband, I'm sure he'd have proudly claimed it like he deserved an award.

  14. OH GAWDD! I'm gonna be sick from laughing - and I can't see a darn thing! I had no idea I was such a fan of 'far humour' ... until YOU Tracy!! LMAO!!!! Gosh I love you and ya' blog!!!! And some one seriously needs to start that "I can't believe she wrote that" Blog award!!!!

  15. Ok, I'm literally in tears over this story!!!

    Mostly because I can relate!! My addiction is Fiber One bars...with the same effect. LOL I actually stood up one time when a guest walked into the office and ACCIDENTLY let a LOUD one go!!! I tried to act like I moved my chair!!! LOL I know he knew better! It was awful!

    Thank you so much for a wonderful laugh!

  16. Hello! Thanks for passing by my blog! Here's the link to the guest post I wrote for the blog Metscan:
    Thanks a lot for offering to feature in your pay forward series!
    Hugs from Cyprus!

  17. Seriously hysterically funny, Tracy!! Thanks for the laughs today!! :)


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