Monday, July 12, 2010


When is enough really enough?  A question I often pose to the fates.  I throw it out there all the time.  I am serious when I say this isn’t quite the life I signed up for. I am tired, in pain and fatigued and at what I believe is the beginning of a state of distress and I often wonder if I was born under some bad sign. 

You see, I was a very sick child. Suffering from yearly bouts and hospitalizations due to pneumonia and extreme hay fever with weekly shots at the hospital (which thankfully I have outgrown) along with asthma, eczema and an aptitude for complete klutziness and it is amazing that I did not cause my poor mother premature greying. In my last year of high school, I was suffering from a constant state of “flu like” symptoms and after repeated requests from my doctor asking me to take a pregnancy test, I finally stopped with his nonsensical diagnoses and quit going for check ups.  Eventually, I just lived with the “flu like” symptoms for many years to come.  And finally, ten years later, several hospital visits and many physician changes, I found a fabulous doctor who sent me for one simple blood test that confirmed that I had hypothyroidism. She also confirmed that she caught it in the nick of time.  She said that everything was running so slow on me, I had about a year of life left.  It was scary to say the least.

During this time and years to come, I would suffer more weird health issues from a doctor who lost several of her family members and unconsciously gave me two sample drugs that interacted with each other causing me three days in the emergency followed by two years of numbness in one arm, to developing hives daily for seven long years, to an ulcer, to a broken ankle, to a broken leg in three places, to several car accidents that left me with a dislocation of two ribs and a clavicle and created the need for a breast reduction, to my all time favourite: the blood squirting eyeball that could have secured me a job in a Stephen King movie.  These are just the tip of the iceberg. Luckily for me, I am not a hypochondriatic, and every thing I suffered from had some medical explanation here or there.

Through it all, I had my very weird sense of humour to get me thru the day and I could spend a lot of time looking at every incident and finding the humour in it and it always made me chuckle.

But these last couple of years have taken their toll on me in terms of strange medical problems from dry eyes, to trouble swallowing, to unexplained rashes to swollen joints, to days where I can barely move because the pain is so bad, that putting one step in front of the other is all I can do and it is getting worse.  My life has been segregated into two groups: tolerable days and bad pain days and I am hating how it is dictating my life.

After several mis diagnosis, I finally had a partial answer.  I am suffering from connective tissue disease or diseases.  Apparently I have many symptoms from many forms of it and my inflammation levels are off the chart.  Of course, I did the worst thing possible and did an in depth search and what I read freaked me out on all levels.  I could have Lupus or Sjogrens or gawd forbid Scleroderma.  They ruled out Rheumatoid Arthritis although I have a dormant gene, lucky me I suppose.  Now, my life has become a waiting game.  I see a specialist in August and will undergo several tests and have already been told that the tests that I had already done are so complicated in what they showed that it could take up to five years to pin point exactly which one I have and start me on a proper course of treatment.  What they could confirm with me is that I will never have a pain free day again.

So I ask the question again: when is enough really enough.  Today, for me, at this moment, I have had enough!  I am sick of it (no pun intended).  I cranky, bitchy and miserable and am starting to take on the personality of my crotchety 95 year old grandmother, which puts me into a whole other level of freakiness.

This is not the life I wanted or imagined and no matter what you say, today the rainbow is covered by clouds and my face is swollen from how much I have cried today.  And as I type this, I wonder why I am sharing it with the cyber world.  I suppose I am just hoping that someone out there will read this and say “it’s okay Tracy, I know what you are going thru”.  In the meantime, I suppose you could say that I am suffering from a bad pain day that has taken hostage of the logical side of my brain and unleashed the monstrous emotional side which I am having difficulty controlling.

In any event, you will just have to forgive me, I am presently visiting pity city.  And even though I like the architecture there, I don’t plan on staying for too long, just a short visit and then I will be back to crazy old me.

As for tonight, I am thinking that a nice glass of wine followed by a great big jar of my favourite pickles is really what the doctor ordered, followed by me laying on the couch with my ice pack, some advil and my lovely pooch who will be more than willing to slather his love all over my face.  And no matter how miserable I am today, that is a prescription I can’t wait to take.

Until Next Time.
Smooches from the Queen of Pity.


  1. I know how you feel...if you ever need to know where I am. I find that Wine does help us hypo girls...more than any pill and doctor ever gave me. I just hope I don't turn into an alcoholic treating my condition. :)
    hugs! <3

  2. It okay, Tracy, I DO know what you are going thru...I've been feeling rough for a few months now, and have also had enough. I, too, have to have a bunch of tests run. So we can commiserate together? Please please don't give up, I need your humor. Start writing a book after you settle on the couch with your wine, pickles and pooch. Hugs and hope you feel better tomorrow.

  3. Thank you guys, for all the kind thoughts! xxoo

  4. Hi Tracy
    I've been reading your humorous stories. I like you. Not sure how I found you, but I think your in B.C. not sure, but I think so. We used to live in White Rock, B.C. We now live in Ontario.
    I had to write. My husband has had many of your symptoms, not as grave as most of yours, but the pain, swollen joints, can barely move, allergies, lung pain, on and on. They have done every test possible, MRI, CAT, Stress test...and more. They now put a name to it "fibromyalgia" yeah right, when they can't find what's wrong, they seem to say Fibro. It's been hell. He's only 48, but has always been stressed, which is such a bad thing with Fibro, some good days, but mostly bad days lately. He quit smoking 2 years ago, and everything started to fall apart then.
    I can't know what your going through, but I sure know how it affects your life with your hubby. I can never plan anything anymore. It's day by day. He's going to see a psychiatrist next month. He's determined to fight this. Of course they want to put him on anti-depressents, which all make him sick. He's on Tylenol, Celebrex and just finished some antibiotics for a bronchitis infection. So I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. I hope something good comes out of all this for you. I'll look forward to hearing your news.
    Well I'm rambling and must get to bed. It's passed 1am here.
    Keep up the positive posts. I love reading them all.
    Sorry I haven't written sooner. Been on a few bloggy breaks.
    Take care... well try to Tracy.
    Love Claudie

  5. Love love love the new photo!!

  6. Thank you Deborah, that picture was take at Butchart Gardens on Vancouver Island!!!!

    Claudie... thank you for the comment. I am so sorry about your husband. I am sending you an email on things that affect my joints that I have removed from my diet, that might help your hubby! xxoo

  7. Tracy... It really IS ok - and I too know how you feel - in a BIG way! From the first time you bought jewellery from my website and we emailed, etc... I felt almost like I was reading my own 'writings'. When I read you blog for the first time, I thought "WOW! I feel like I am so much like this woman... and better yet, I really like her" (That had to make me feel pretty good). There's something special about you, your writing, and your blog. It doesn't ever seem forced. Your sense of humour is just so great, affecting and 'relatable'. That is how I know "It is ok"! Anyone can read here that you have a richness in your soul that pain can't defeat.

    So... back to the feeling like I've found a 'twin' out there... I have fibromyalgia - and hypothyroidism (etc). Was sick a lot as a kid, have off-the-chart hayfever and some other 'taken-to-extremes' issues. Most of the time I won't let myself feel sorry for myself about the pain - when I know so many others have worse or can't treat it, aren't married to the amazing love of her life (somthing else we have in common?), don't have a house to live in, etc. But then there are just those times when the 'crash' happens... stiff upper lip totally gives out! Crying, frustration, aggravation, etc.

    Just do what you're doing - give yourself permission to wallow-a-while - and then go back to the top of this blog and look at that beautiful picture. I love it and see I'm not the only one. So I thank you for that and for this beautifully honest post.

    You are blessed with a gift of expression, perspective and ... Did I mention?... a bloody entertaining sense of humour. And it's wonderful of you to 'share' as you do!

  8. I don't even know what to say Tamara... you really touched my heart and brought a tear to my eye! Thank you so much! (PS, I feel the same about you!)

  9. Bless your heart. I have nothing to add except that you are loved more than you know.

  10. I think all these comments are spot on and I have only been here a few times! What a terrible condition to live with.. I sincerely hope a solution of some sort comes soon. Keep hope alive. Your blog represents you and from what I see and read a wonderful person exists here. I wrote a post yesterday with you in mind... I find it helps me.
    Take care..
    Jeanne :)

  11. Hello there
    Lovely to see you recently and thanks for all your great comments as well. You willingly share so much on your blog - I love it. Because I get your posts via google reader I still have the 'peeing' post you deleted. So funny yet so serious
    Oh wow you certainly have done the rounds of the medical fraternity haven't you. For me it was after a weepy session with the GP about mood swings, weight gain, dry skin and other bits and pieces like you all it took was one little blood test to give me an answer - hypothryroidism
    One little tablet of thyroxine first thing each morning (along with a 6 monthly blood test) keeps my body on the straight and narrow..........and slimmer as well 'cose instead of being sluggish it works properly and I am now 10kg lighter lol
    Take care


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