Monday, October 18, 2010


Several times a year, I get this complete sense of sadness, loss and ever so slightly a touch of despair. Some individuals call it s.a.d.s. disease, and yet others call it depression. I call it a loss of my joy, better known as Tracy’s Chronic Pain Syndrome. Moments where I am in so much pain, that trying to locate my joy is next to impossible. And I spend the day questioning the reason why I am placed on this earth. Wondering how I can make a difference in someone’s life for the better when I have such raw painful days that stop me in my tracks. I wonder how am I suppose to leave a positive imprint on this earth when I feel desperately sad by limitations.

In essence, I question what my purpose is.

Being a spiritual person with strong beliefs in caring for the planet, I often wonder why the fates would let me live in a constant state of pain which limits my life and all that I wish to do. And why simple things like standing and watching my youngest niece’s soccer game on Saturday would leave me in chronic agony come Sunday.

I often wonder if I am not a good enough person and whether I am being punished for something I am unaware of.

I have actual moments of wanting to shut down my facebook page, close up shop on my blog and runaway. Lucky for me that I am so sore that running away is next to impossible, and what you would see is this stiff girl doing a whacked out hop jog down the road all the while yelling: “oooh, owww, ouch, good grief, oh my gawd”. So now for me, running away constitutes walking down the hallway and soaking in a bathtub for two hours until:

a. the bath water gets so cold that I cannot feel my toes or my boobs; or

b. I get so shriveled up that there is not much difference between the look of a raison or my butt cheeks, except that my butt cheeks are significantly larger.

So yes today is a moment of sadness for me. A moment where I would like to sit down and have a really good cry. A moment where I feel useless. A moment where I feel like a burden on others. A moment, just a moment.

The pain does that too me unfortunately. It drains me of my joy.

And today, as corny as it sounds, I just need to throw out the following:  "Oh joy, where are you today?  I miss you so much, that my heart hurts. How I could do with your warm hug and embrace. Come back soon as I am getting tired of continually fighting these painful days. And I am not sure how much more fight I have left."

I am so sorry that you have become an unlikely guest at my pity party for one.

At least, tomorrow is another day.  And perhaps a better one at that. 

And as pathetic as this sounds, I am going to buy some joy today, namely, the Cole Haan purse I saw on sale.. And yes, I know what you are thinking, because I am thinking it too. 

Thank you for listening.

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches


  1. Dear Tracy;
    I am sending you a huge hug right now! I feel your anguish. I won't bore you with details but I can relate with the feeling of helplessness when you want to do the things you are inspired to do but your body and mind just won't cooperate.
    I will hold you in my heart and mind today....don't stop believing that there are wonderful days on the horizon for both of us!
    Tina xo

  2. You have no idea how many people understand..

    Hugs to you..gentle ones..

  3. Hugs from here too... I feel sure your joy will return soon

  4. *handing you a tissue* a good cry never hurts anyone!


  5. Let's call it "joie de vivre" today. You will be hugged lightly of course virtually from all of us. And I'm complaining about my scoliosis today? Nothing compared to you dear Tracy. The weather must be changing around your neck of the woods. Randy was in pain yesterday too. The clouds are rolling in. Look at it this way, your both better forecasters than the weather channel : )
    Love Ya
    Love Me

  6. Sometimes the only way to feel better is to buy yourself a "happy"...that's what I used to call a little retail therapy. As long as you aren't spending money you don't have, I am a BIG supporter of it ;)

  7. I am sending you many hugs right now!! I just hate the thought of you in so much pain. :( I will send my prayers your way as well as hugs. :)

    And, as you have probably guessed, I'm a huge supporter of a cure-all handbag. LOVE Cole Haan. Please post a pic of your new bag so we can all drool!!!! lol :)

  8. Oh girl.... I wish I had read this before I read the "Pay It Forward Post". I would have said some of what I said there, here instead. You can peek at it there of course ;~)

    The thing that's really uncanny is the post I made for today, just before coming over here to your blog. If you get a chance to, please pop over and take a look-see. It won't be a cure-all to what you're feeling today. Maybe just some reassurance that you are not alone, and that it can and does get better at times. It's one crazy rollercoaster ride and I want you to know that I'm right in the car behind you.

    If you ever need to blow off steam, vent, cuss, whatever it is.... Just email me and I will be there with open ears and an equally open heart. I go through this every year as well. When you've been robbed of the ability to live even one single day without some level of pain, and that pain rears it's ugly head without regard to any plans that you've made for your life, it's a given that you're gonna want to run, scream, crawl in a hole.... (or shop - I shop too)

    We are in this together all the way. Like it or not my dear, you are now stuck with me! LOL I hope you get at least a bit of revenge against that nasty pain monster with that new bag. If all else fails, you can use it to (figuratively) beat the snot out of that pain! (just make sure to step aside before you take aim. LOL)

    Warm and gentle hugs to you my friend,


  9. I feel for you and hope you start feeling at least a little better soon. Makes me so sad when you are having a really bad day. At least you can do the bathtub soak. If I sat in my bathtub, I am afraid I would still be there when hell freezes over, if I couldn't somehow get the firemen to come first and pull me out.

  10. Being a new reader to your blog....what causes your pain??
    It must be awful living with chronic pain, learning to manage it and not it managing you.
    My dad suffers from chronic pain and it has robbed him of his joy as well it seems.
    not every day.........just too many!!

    thank goodness TOMORROW is always another day, an opportunity to bring back JOY

  11. i don't share your physical pain, but waaaaay too often i have my own pain in my life as i navigate parenting a special needs kid. the desire to run far, far away can be overwhelming some days. thank GOD it always passes or lets up for a while so that we can still keep breathing. you're surrounded by supportive people in the blogosphere who care about the day you're having.

  12. My heart aches for you... to hear you like this. I just found your blog and never imagined that you could feel this way. You come off so funny and witty but I admire your honesty and think it's a healthy step to being joyful again. You are brave and beautiful and I hope you feel all the love I'm sending your way right now. I think tomorrow is going to be full of joy again :)
    Sleep well and let us know how you are tomorrow!!

  13. See Tracy? All the comments you've received should point out to the fact that you DO have a purpose, and a good one at that. We all share in your life, and we all teach each other something, whether we realize it or not.

    I hope you'll feel much better tomorrow, 'cause I can't wait to crack up at your posts again. In the meantime think about this: my two fish, Einstein and Mr. Magoo eat some sort of flaky goldfish food that looks a lot like the crap they extrude, so sometimes the get a piece o' flaky crap in their mouth and make funky fish faces...they get so pissed off, I'll try to take a pic next time

    Here's to you feeling better :)

  14. Gentle hugs from afar ~ I wish you comfort and peace ... when your body wants to stay still, let your spirit soar. God has a plan for each and every one of us, even if we don't understand it. At times when we feel like giving in, HE is still there for us. We are in HIS constant care. I could go on and on with experiences but all I really want to do is assure you that you are here for a purpose. His greater purpose.

  15. Tracy! My post-half marathon pain is zilch compared to what you deal with on a daily basis. I run because I can, and I think of all the people I run for who are physically unable to run, or even walk. You, my friend, are now running all my races with me in 2011! And just for the record, you are so full of joy that it spills out through your blog and around the world. It bounces back to you, don't cha know?! Hugs to you.

  16. Thank you all for the very lovely comments, it means so much to me and profoundly touches my heart... I am so grateful!


  17. Gentle hugs for you, dear Tracy! I have many of these days, and today happens to be one of them. Can we blame it on the moon?!? I even told my hubby that I was going to run down the street screaming. He calmly asked what good would that do? except maybe make an ass of myself. I am on a very good medicine for my chronic pain, but the depression still sneaks in. So happy you felt like doing a bit of 'retail therapy' - that always helps! I'm determined to sew my blues away tomorrow. I'm here anytime you know.

  18. Well a party is a need to apologize for the reason you're throwing it. Obviously you have a grip on it, you are aware, and reaching out. I congratulate you and give you a lot of credit for voicing your feelings.

  19. Here is a big, warm hug to ease your discomfort. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for you.

  20. Something that needs saying: you're a warm-hearted POSITIVE person. Of course constant pain must be awful and get you feeling miserable at times - one thing you needn't feel in that regard is guilt. Your spirit is strong and you spread much warmth from a loving heart. Even here, you don't seem to have lost your humour, although its hurting laughter. I wish that the pain may become less so that you can be the person you are.

  21. I completely understand what you are feeling. Sometimes just getting it out on your blog can ease some of the nonjoy burden. You are in my thoughts!

  22. It's ok to have moments like that. No judgment here. Only hope that you get to feeling better and hang in there!

  23. It's a shame that we don't get an instruction manual when we are born or turn 18 that shows us our purpose. I often wondered what my purpose was or what the purpose of certain moments of my life were intended for. Sometimes they revealed their purpose instantly...other times it took years to find the purpose, and even now I don't know the purpose of certain things that happen. I'm sorry you are in pain and that it;s purpose isn't exposed yet...but I'm sure there is a method to the madness.

    Oh-and go ahead and cry...I do all the time. The big snotty sobbing kind too.

  24. I feel your sadness my dear. Here's sending you much love, positive thoughts, hope and prayers. Stay strong!

  25. I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. I hope that you are already feeling better. Hang in there!! I'm thinking positive thoughts for you!


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