Thursday, October 14, 2010

THURSDAY TOOTS: And Women Who Pollute!

I’m pooped.

I am utterly exhaustified.   Yes I know, exhaustified is not a word. But early on in age, I did develop my own personal dictionary of words.  This is one of them.

I want to chalk it up to the weather, but I would be lying.

You see, I am so tired that I am at a giddy point.  You know that point where you get so absolutely goofy that you say goofy things and you act goofy.  You notice that people are rolling their eyes at you and walking away while shaking their heads and you just giggle all the more.

In fact, my initial post for today was all about how I inadvertently gassed out my better half yesterday after I gorged on garbanzo beans for lunch, a “fart” bar for a snack, followed by turkey for dinner.  I started to tell you how I was so bad that my better half actually sequestered me into a room all by myself, opened all the windows and shut the door and told me not to come out until my “little problem” subsided. I have to tell you that I was so racked in gaseous pain that I was literally lying on the floor rocking back and forth whilst moaning and squeaking out, okay sonic booming out, noises that no woman should ever make!!! And what’s more, little did my better half know that my “little problem” would last well into the early hours of this morning.  And unfortunately for him, it was a whole night of me lying in bed *poofing*, followed by my non stop giggling and various versions of “oops, sorry honey”, followed by my better half jumping out of bed, fanning the sheets back and forth frantically and yelling “OH COME ON!”.  Makes me giggle now as I think about it.  And now you know why I am tired.  Nope, there was no romance in our house last night and I think I took our relationship to a whole new level for which we won’t be able to come from.  I even think my better half may require some counseling for post traumatic stress disorder. I have scarred him.

Anywhoooo, after I wrote the post, I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard that mascara was rolling off my cheeks right onto my shirt.

And then I thought to myself, hmmm okay Tracy, you are tired and everything is making you giggle.  Perhaps your lovely blogger friends may not appreciate, or find as funny, a post regarding 10 hours of flatulence.

So I won’t elaborate any further except to say that I am done with those “fart” bars.  I have fried too many nostrils of too many people from eating those darn delectably tasting, wonderfully yummy, butt burning bars.

Neither my friends nor my family look at me the same way anymore.  And I am supposing it will take years of me acting like a lady to undo the damage I have created over the last couple of months.

Oh who am I kidding, this weekend I am going to go to Costco to buy another round of them.  This time, though, I have thought ahead:  I will hide them, eat them in secret and just blame the stench on my dog!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches


  1. You must have been miserable! And we all eat stuff we just know will make us *ahem* not feel our best, but sometimes you just say damn the consequences! When I get really tired, I get teary, and I get very fumbly. Most people would think I am drunk. Oh--maybe I really am?! What?!

  2. I don't know what to say, except that I am stil laughing.

  3. ROFLMAO with my hubby! OMG, you're histerically funny! It's almost better hearing the play by play!

    ps. we can relate to the same scenerio, I suffer from IBS, in turn so does my hubby from the side effects! lol

  4. i've spent many nights w/ the glorious gas myself. my ibs keeps things spicy around here. and to think some people say women shouldn't fart around their man. if that was the case, we'd never see each other!

  5. LOL - not related to Gas but an embarASSing moment - I went to use a public washroom today *shudder* and as I was peeing trying to keep my feet in flip flops from touching the floor (I was watching them) - I felt wet sprays everywhere - I look down and I totally missed the toilet and peed all over the seat and down the back of my pants - ugh - I wanted to die so after cleaning it up - I walked out of the bathroom as a total pee pants (it had even hit the floor so it was on the bottom of mypants as well) - I wasshed my hands while trying to hide the back of my pants - walked into the mall and thought wow this diet is really working my pants are falling off me only to realize I hadn't done up my pants (duh). Unfortunately I had a couple more stops before running home...

  6. OMG! ROFL ROFL ROFL!!! I'm so sorry to laugh because I know that kind of pain and discomfort and I really feel bad you went through that, but...well...the story was so dang funny (minus the pain part).

  7. OMG too funny. I love you!!!
    If it's any consolation, I've been bizarrely tired this week too! What are these fart bars anyway? They must be good!

  8. I don't know who you are "Anonymous"... but gawd I haven't laughed that hard in ages...... Thank you for posting that on my blog!!!!!!!

  9. Ok, if you've seen my sign I have you would know I'm laughing so hard tears ran down my leg! I so know the pain, and really I think we've all been there only a few of us are the type to admit it! You are my kind of gal! Sorry for your bed partner to deal with that but I'm sure they've had their moment or two before.

    Thanks for finding me because I can't wait to come back here and laugh so more!


  10. Oh my,, I've had the same problem, and I am rolling with laughter! I don't even know what causes my gassy explosions..and they come at the most awkward moments.

    Anonymous, ROFLOL!!

    Sorry I've been missing due to a tremendous headache that has lasted several days.

    Thank you so much for featuring me in Pay It Forward Monday! My little blog doesn't deserve so much, but I do appreciate your kindness. Take care!

  11. OMG, this is too funny. I can just picture your better half fanning the sheets, mine does the same when I have SBDs (silent but deadly).... You are just too much, it takes a certain kind of skill to have a post on farting, and you've got it! :)

  12. LaDolphina DON'T BUY THE FART BARS THIS IS YOUR WARNING DON'T BUY THEM. Ok as I think back at the Atkins bars and hold my cheeks : (
    How can anyone but you make a subject sound so FUNNY????? Do you know my mom never farted? No you don't know that do you? BUTT... she's now 91 and when we are shopping, she lets them go, and thinks I don't hear them. My big mouth says " MOM@@$#$#$, I heard that, what the heck? I guess she saved them all up throughout the years, and I'm talking a lot of years here, to let them go now. OMG I can't believe I'm saying this on your blog, only on your blog, not on my blog NO NO NO.
    Wait, no, keep buying them, you might run out of stories, and hubby might think your having an affair.
    Love Ya
    Love Me

  13. Ok this post is definitively what I needed to end my night! You are too too funny ...thank you for blogging! I will be back to read more of your posts!

  14. I REALLY needed this tonight.... Thank you so much for the laugh and the wet pants. Well, maybe not for the wet pants. But at least I was home and could go change them. Poor Anonymous was at the freakin' mall!!! Bless her heart.

    If it's any consolation Anon dear, I did same in a public restroom in Lake Placid NY and had to ride all the way home (2+ hours) semi- wrapped in two sweatshirts tied, one to the front, one to the back, because my hubbers wouldn't let me sit on the seat in my pee-pee pants. All I could think was, "Please God, don't let us get rear ended!"

    Tracy, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time and the last time I did, was at the expense of my darling hubs having an "accident" that I can't elaborate on right now because, well because he's had enough for one day.....

    Quick story.....

    A friend of mine was a resident care tech at a group home for developmentally challenged elderly folks, and he had been been teaching them all manners, like please and thank you. So to test their newly learned skills, he took them to a rather nice restaurant for lunch. He was kind enough to ask me to come along.

    While at the table, waiting for the food to be served, this one woman who had to have been at least 80 stood up, asked to be excused and proceeded to let out the longest most offensive girdle fluttering fart that you've ever heard! and with a look of pure glee and satisfaction, she sat down, began clapping her hands and yelled out "Gawwwwd Bleth Me!" My friend and I made bigger spectacles of ourselves laughing than that dear old lady did letting it rip.

    Why are things having to do with our nether regions so damned funny? Whatever the reason, I'm so glad that I popped in here tonight.. this morning... whenever. I haven't slept since yesterday, so sorry for the babbling.

    Have a wonderful Friday and an even better weekend. (Thank you so much for the prayers)

    Many blessings,

  15. I have been banned from eating Pea and Ham Soup - enough said lol

  16. It is so utterly sad that your gas stories are always the highlight of my day!!!!!!! I never laugh harder!!! Mostly because I can relate.

    Is it wrong that 'offending' my better half is probably in second or third place of what I miss most about being married?!?! LOL

  17. You are too funny Tracy...Mr. H would love this one!
    I am thinking that your dog is probably wise to you by now
    ....I know mine is! I can so relate to this tired syndrome you are speaking of. I have been so so bad with this late night blogging business. Having a guest for two weeks and travelling did not help the cause. The circles around the eyes are dark and deep which my 10 year old like to continually point out. I even woke up this morning and put a bit of concealer on before breakfast to see if that would pass his scrutiny. No such luck, he declared that I needed a little electronic time out this weekend. Hey, who is the parent here???

    You know the rest...just one of those days, weeks, months!

    Thanks so much for your comments this week, I really loved hearing from you in my little corner of the world.

    Have fun tomorrow at Cosco!!

    Jeanne xx

  18. Oh my...I laughed so hard at your post that I had a tough time reading it through the laughter...sorry for your pain...but what a great read to start my day!!

  19. Tracy,
    The description of your better half leaping out of bed, fanning the sheets and exclaiming, "OH, COME ON!", is so frikkin' hilarious!
    Guys do this sort of stuff all the time. It's funny to hear one of them getting to experience someone else's farts!
    Although, perhaps your better half doesn't fart.

  20. Tracy!!! I am still laughing and I finsihed reading your post and then moved onto the comments and now i"m still laughing. LOL LOL. Awesome!


I love hearing from ya! Thanks for stopping by!