Thursday, August 19, 2010

THURSDAY TOOTS: The case of the uncomfortable wedgies!

(This is an older post from a couple of weeks ago and I thank Best Post of the Week for letting me link up to them!)

Help!  My ass has dropped and it can’t get up!  Someone call 9-bum-bum for me and hurry! 

Initially, I had thought that perhaps it grew but since all my pants still fit the same way, it just had to be something else. Now, it took me a bit, but eventually, I was able to put two and two together.  You see the last 6 months or so my underwear were in the same place around my waist but slowly the butt cheek part of the underwear was creeping towards the “dark cave of no return” and creating it’s own version of a haphazard, fairly goofy, lacking all sex appeal, looking thong.  And if you have been with me since the beginning of my blog, you will know my thoughts on thong underwear, and if you haven’t, go here To Thong or Not to Thong and I am sure you won’t be surprised by my particular thoughts.

The sad part about this is that of all people in the world, I cannot afford to have my ass drop.  I am only 5'1, and that is on a good day with some serious spongy-ness in my socks or a small heel. So you can imagine that the ratio between the floor and the bottom of my butt cheeks is maybe a foot and a half difference if I am lucky, which means that I am only a mere 18 inches from my butt becoming a permanent floor cleaning apparatus.  Eeeeee Gads!

The other day I was trying to measure from where the bottom of my tush is in relation to the back of my knee cap.  To my horror, I think it said 6 inches, but quite frankly, it’s fairly difficult to stick a yard stick under your butt cheek, hold it against your lumpy flesh and try and twist and look in a mirror and read the transposed measurements at the same time.  In fact, I fell over a few times and once into the wall and had I fell a half inch the other way, well let’s just say that you could have actually said to me: “hey that girl has a stick up her ass!”.  I simply would not recommend this form of measurement to anyone!

So of course being me, I go right into panic mode and started doing 50 squats thinking somewhere in my hair brain head that that should at least bring up my ass by a inch or so.  Yah, uh huh... what actually happened was that my butt hurt so bad from muscles that had never been used before that I spent the next day walking like I had been on a horse for three consecutive weeks.

Now I was left with a dilemma, do I keep doing those horrific squats and risk sweating and actually using muscles that have never seen the light of day or do I look for an alternative.  After an extensive search on the internet, my only alternatives were as follows: Ball Butt Lifts ( which sounds like a torture device from the 17th century), Brazilian Butt Lift (sounds way too close to a Brazilian wax job for me... eek!), Chicago Butt Lift and Burn (for some reason a foot long hot dog comes to mind!) or a Bikini Butt Bra that shapes and lift.  Eureka... that last one could be the answer!  I already wear a Bra for my breasts, why not one for my bum and why didn’t I invent that...?

Well being the ingenious person that I am, I thought why pay for a Butt Bra, I mean how hard can that be to create.  All you need is some good, strong, clear packing tape placed at the base of your butt cheek and then pull it up and secure it to your lower back.  What I can tell you is, I don’t recommend this either, especially if you enjoy your flesh and would like it to remain on you body.

Oh well, live and learn I say, live and learn.  In the meantime, it’s not so bad that my tush has dropped.  Seriously, the back of my thighs have never been so warm!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches


  1. OMG!!!!!!!! You are so hilarious... I love it... maybe you should have used duck tape?

  2. Oh had me just seeing the title!! I am rolling on the floor, because I have the same problem. I had thought my butt was getting smaller (wishful thinking), but no, it was only gravity dragging it down around my ankles.
    Seriously, you need to publish these and let everyone have a laugh! I did see a product called 'Butt Goop' at the drug store. The name sounds too good to be true, and it was..its for baby bums. Darn. Hugs!

  3. OMG I'm also ROFLMAO ( I really don't know how to spell that). I just read it out loud to Randy...somehow men don't think it's funny. OK why didn't you ask your better half to read the measuring stick? Was he gone on his weekly "outing" lol
    Hey I'm 54, and my ass left me a while ago. The trick is to wear tighter jeans/pants. If not, it will look like you pooped your pants! Always get hubby's opinion on your "behind". You never know who's looking.
    Good Toot Tracy.
    Love ya
    Love Me

  4. You never cease to amaze me with your no holds barred sharing. love it!

  5. OMG! My face is DRENCHED again... I actually started to read this last night, but had to stop until I had the strength to get through the whole thing. My husband has really been wondering what's going on with me - the laughter is honestly so out-of-control it's almost ALARMING! I was going to read it to him too, but realized how TRULY INSANE I would look struggling through one word every 5 minutes as I howl and wipe my eyes... etc.

    If you don't end up writing for a sitcom... or movies... or some really amazing, edgy women's magazine... Well, all will not be right with the world. That's it... I'm going to start 'campaigning'... MORE! Thanks again girl... I bet if I read these 2 latest posts every day, I'D GET ABS!!! My ass, however, is still likely to stay right down there with my knees as well! Guess the bunch of us could now form "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Ass"! We'll get through this together girls!!

  6. Claudie emailed me and told me to get on over here and read this. Love it!! I am a "firm" (get it) believer in duck tape for almost everything.
    I too am frustrated with saggy parts.

    that was a good way to start my day. Now I've got to run upstairs and take a good look at my backside.
    I should add you to my reader list as you are one funny chick-a-roo

  7. Um...oops. The comment above is from ME. (not bear...bear is my hubby who was on the computer before me, duh)
    just so ya know...........

  8. This has me rolling on the ground laughing.

  9. LOL! Hey, I'm glad I found you, I will happily follow a crazy lady! Here from "BPOTW."

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