Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Last night was my third attempt to master the art of becoming a self aware, in tune with my inner self, at peace with the world, Yogi.  Oh I know what you are thinking, but yes, I consider this to be my third attempt.  Just because my second attempt involved me sitting on a stool watching the Yoga DVD and eating a peanut butter finger, does not mean that on some spiritual level I wasn’t involved.  Okay, I was just sitting there devouring the peanut butter finger and making faces at that damn serene Yoga instructor, but  I imagined that I was doing it, and doesn't that count for something?

After, I donned on my fancy schmancy yoga outfit consisting of a recently dinner stained tee-shirt and some over washed, use to be black, cotton pants that more resembled flood pants, and assumed the warm up position, I did what most newly formed yoga students do: I sat there contemplating whether to press the play button on the DVD player!  It's amazing how long you can stare at your ceiling in attempt to avoid exercise. After a few minutes (or perhaps longer) of debating the benefits of yoga, I pressed “play” and let out my first enormous “ohmmmmmmmm”. Perhaps, I was a tad louder than I probably should have been because in a matter of minutes the door to my sanctuary was wide open with my better half rushing in and asking if I was okay.  After I assured him I was okay, I made a mental note to myself to record my ohming in the near future as apparently I sound like cat caught in a vacuum cleaner!

I must admit, I was pretty impressed with myself since my first attempt at Yoga was much like a cow tipping incident.  Not yesterday tho, I was much like a Weeble.  I weebled and I wobbled but I didn’t fall down!  Yea for me!

After I made it thru the warm up section which involved twisting into positions and seeing body parts I had not looked at for years, it was onto the actual work out.

Now when a 6 foot, graceful, 20 year Yogi veteran goes into the 5 Star Point Goddess pose, she looks spectacularly beautiful.  But when that Yogi says “now it is your turn, spread your legs three feet apart and assume the pose” to a 5 foot bubble of lard, I can tell you the following:

1.    3 feet is over half my size, getting into a position like that looks like I am getting ready to give birth, or gawd forbid, go the bathroom in the woods; (oh how attractive) and

2.    If I got into that position, I would never get out, plus numerous parts of my body would be touching the ground, and I don’t mean my legs! Hey belly are you hearing me?

After a few minor adjustments like pulling my underwear out of my butt and stuffing the odd popping boob back into my bra, I had almost sailed thru the work out when the dreaded Downward Dog reared it’s ugly head.  After what seemed like an eternity in that one position (okay, a mere 10 seconds), I gave in and landed on the ground in an enormous self induced thud, where I  proceeded to lie and stay in a crumpled fetus like position until the deep relaxation part came on.

After the program ended, I remained in this position thinking (and most likely hoping) that the  bloody torturous DVD was done until I heard that damn, serene, legs up to my head, Yogi’s voice say: “Special Tips: If you can’t do the downward dog, perhaps try doing a half dog using the wall as support for your arms.”  Ummmm Really?  You couldn’t haven’t put this section on first prior to the program?

Oh well, I suppose there are worst things in the world then getting stuck in downward dog, me and my body don’t quite know what they are yet, but I will let you know when I figure it out.  In the meantime, i'm all about the half dog people. Oh alright, I'm all about the hot dog (with a bit of ketchup).

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches


  1. Downward dog, so good for my back, but so embarrassing to do in front of others.

  2. I have attempted yoga a handful of times in my life, most recently as part of the p90x cycle that I did last summer. And it kicked my arse.

    I am not flexible at all (apparently) and without that ability, yoga is about as fun as getting hit by a bus.


  3. I am surprised you didn't catch that Special Tip when you watched it the second time. I suppose it was the distraction of the Butter Finger....lol. Seriously, I can't jazz you at all. I have been meaning to do yoga for over a year and my DVD is still in its case, so you are kicking my rear in the getting it done department.

  4. too bad there are no videos of you being the yoga master that you're quickly becoming. i'm sure you're quite elegant. or at least amusing.

  5. Oh, Yoga. The only person who looks good doing it is the instructor, and they're so good at convincing you that it's easy to twist yourself into those positions. The problem is, once you somehow manage to get there, you can't get out again, and yes, do end up just rolling onto the floor like a ball and laying there. My mind thinks I'm flexible, but my body is screaming "hell no! It won't go!"

  6. kudos to you for hanging in there and working on it!

  7. Yes KUDOS! And I agree about needing underwear that would stay put when you bend in downward dog and rise:)

    I love my class..no one acts fancy shmancy and wears the latest yoga outfits.. They are so normal..I don't know the girls..and gentlemen really..but no one seems to be there to show they upscale Danskins..Love that..
    One of my daughters did gift me with Lululemon leg warmers:) And they are a treat..Of course my girls grew up w/ Flashdance.. so they remember wearing legwarmers and knowing their mom loves being warm..I don't think anyone else makes legwarmers anymore:)

    I can't tell you how cold it was Monday going.as my hsuband would say..my car tires were square they were so frozen:)I hope that works in English.

    Have you seen this blog?

    A young woman I really like a lot..who loves yoga too..sent me his name..You may smile:)

    Hope so..


  8. Downward dog..mine is laying flat on the couch with her head hanging over the edge. Not even close, is it? Keep going, sounds as if you are making progress! I must purchase a yoga DVD, sounds as if it would be fun to watch:))

  9. Downward Dog was almost my last act as a humanoid. Watching all these limber people around me tricked my mind into thinking it could do anything. Can everyone say out loud...lots of Advil :-)

  10. only you could make the yoga experience this funny.

  11. I'm taking a Yoga class this semester and feel your pain. It's just not like other kinds of working out, and it's hard to get used to (says the guys who still isn't).

  12. Oh dear. I laughed so hard, this made me remember my first attempt at Yoga. Holy crap. It looks so easy and then I try it and I'm like, "OMG this shit is hard". I don't think I've ever sweated so much. And that was from trying to hold that damn downward dog.

  13. and THIS is why I am glad you are still blogging. Oh my gosh. LAUGHING!!
    I can relate.
    I love the eating the peanut butter finger..while contemplating the dvd.
    You have to give things like this some serious thought.
    and, I know YOU can relate, when I put my body into "stressfull" positions, there seems to be plenty of "fooofffeeers" emitting.

  14. I'm sorry to laugh at your expense but I have to confess & say I giggled the whole way thru this post!
    I recall a similar experience with a Pilates DVD (that still sits in my drawer) & a pregnancy yoga DVD (which I bought on ebay and have only watched to see if it worked)
    I'm impressed that you got as far as you did! And shame on the Yogi for not sharing the half dog snippet before you assumed full dog!
    Thanks for the laugh!

  15. Ah the sheer wackiness involved in this yoga malarky...

    I used to take classes a few years ago at the gym. It was taught by a male friend of mine, who convinced me it'd be fun and ya know health beneficially and all that stuff...

    It hurt. A lot. I'm not quite that bendy. And I looked ridiculous in that badly placed full wall-sized mirror they insisted on having.

    I know now why people practice at home in privacy, where only family members can point and laugh, and not muscely gym blokes...

  16. Love your sense of humor!!! Just thinking about whet you went through is total morning entertainment for me. Smiles and laughs abound here. Thanks for sharing.

  17. Ha! Just before I visited your blog this morning I watched a video of another blogger doing an amazing yoga routine. Can we say pretzel? Well, I'm quite convinced that the effort counts, and effort includes sitting and contemplating the play button!

  18. You're on form! What a post. Chuckle,giggle guffaw all the way through. Humour: the spice of life!

  19. haha, thx for the giggle, I love the picture too :)

  20. That made me laugh out loud. I prefer Child's Pose to Downward Dog, but then again, I'm one of those people that is almost too flexible for yoga to be interesting.

  21. A weeble sounds like a success to me - the only times I've tried yoga I definitely fell all the way down!

  22. lol. I love Yoga! It's amazing, but you're right a TOTAL workout every time. What style of yoga are you practicing? I found that the Kundalini method is the best. Check out raviana.com I use and love all their dvds! (and no, they're not paying me to say this.) :)

  23. lol. Your "Om" is that scary? Way to find your inner peace...lets all chant our way into inner peace. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM!

    You are really funny! :)

  24. Thanks for making me laugh. Yoga is no joke though; it's a serious exercise (and I've only tried it on the Wii!) I linked a post to this one. Hope you don't mind!

  25. Keep on working, great job!

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