Do you ever see those Pantene Models on TV. Their glorious shiny locks of hair flowing straight down their back, with just the right amount of bounce... *sigh*...... The envy of my heart, women with great hair! I have longed for those type of locks for as long as I can remember. While I do have very long hair which I take incredible care, it does not seem to matter, as by the end of the day, I become the unofficial spokesperson for Chia Pet!
Whatever the weather: sun, rain, wind or snow, ultimately those golden locks grow out into an unmanageable fro. A few years back, I went to Mexico and I had taken a whole two hours to straightened my hair for the trip. Oh how beautiful it looked and oh how it made me feel. As the plane landed, I was conceitedly flipping my hair from here to there and everywhere and hoping that someone would have some hair envy over my golden tresses. Little did I know that as we walked along the tarmac, my four friends watched in amusement as my glorious locks grew about two feet of fuzz all the way around the circumference of my head. Of course, what made this all the worse is the fact that I had sprayed my entire head in hair spray so that by the time my head was a complete helmet of uncontrollable frizz that I was desperately and frantically trying to smooth down, my poor hands kept sticking to my head like a fly on fly paper. I felt like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation when his hands were covered in pitch and everything he touched stuck to them, but in this case, it was my hair that was catching anything and everything. By the time we made it to our resort, I swear there was at least a few leaves, some branches, a couple Iguanas and a dozen or so fruit flies that died in my sticky tangled mane. I spent the rest of the holiday with either a hat on or my hair pulled back in a bun. My fantasies of running down the beach and tossing my golden locks in my Baywatch bathing suit were all but squashed!
I remember when my better half and I were first dating. He loved and still loves to go for long walks. We would meet after work and go strolling hand in hand, laughing and giggling and talking about life. We would then get in his car and find a nice little bistro to have dinner at. Everything seemed just perfect. I would notice people staring at us with slight smiles on their face and I just chalked it up to that people were thinking “wow look how in love they are!” I was however completely delusional per usual. It was not us they were smiling at. In fact, they weren’t even smiling, they were snickering and the snickering was completely directed at my HEAD! I was unaware of what my hair had done during our walks. Ultimately at one point, I would excuse myself and head to the bathroom to freshen up. And what looked back at me from the mirror was nothing short of a complete horror film. OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! It was attack of the hairy blob! My hair was so huge that I swear I could see birds nesting in it! It took on a life of its own! If you flipped me upside down, my hair would have been the best scouring pad you ever had! And then another thought hit my brain: GOOD LORD, he saw me this way!! My bangs were no longer there, what remained was a series of huge cow licks that would have even made Nick from “What not to Wear” scratch his head on how to fix it. Sections of my hair were sprouting off my head like bamboo! I press one of the sections down and another would pop up in its place. I had no control of it whatsoever! If I could have, I would have slinked my way out of the restaurant.
I consoled myself with the fact that I had read somewhere that your hair changes every 7 years. I can tell you that is one of the biggest falsehoods I have ever heard! Obviously who ever came up with that conclusion, has yet to meet my hair! Years later and I can tell you that nothing has changed. I still fight the battle of my hair every day. I brush and brush trying to force it into submission. I fill it with so much goop that if I fell overboard off a boat, undoubtedly my hair would sink first! I refuse to get it cut short and I stand strong in my position that it is not going to beat me! I dream of the day my hair and I become friends and work together in harmony. But in the meantime, I spend my days armed against my hair with a purse full of hair products and a zillion pony tails. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll just shave it all off and get a rather large tattoo on the back of my head that says “I once resided here!”. Until then, I have a whole closet full of hats!
Until Next Time.