Contrary to popular belief, I am not always the happiest of people. In fact, I would rate my life as 90% miserable and 10% happy. It's true, I am not pulling your leg. I live with some serious chronic pain that dictates when I can be happy, when I can be active and basically, when I can do things... This last year, without a doubt, is probably one of the worst of my life. Little things like getting out of bed and getting ready for work can take me almost 3 hours. I move in slow motion, breathing in and breathing out and hoping that the meds will take affect before I hit work. There are times without a doubt that I live in Pity City and its a place I hate to reside. I watch people walk, ride their bikes, jog etc. and I become one of the most envious of individuals. A Characteristic I am despising in myself. I often feel incredibly sorry for my better half, his life has been dictated by mine. He is this active individual with enough energy for 10 people and yet, he would rather sit by my side, then go enjoy what is out there. I have in the past tried to let him go, but as I have said before, he loves me for some crazy reason and seems to want to hang around this old decrepit, creaking, crabby individual... I am very lucky.
Yesterday was a terrible day, despite it being a wonderfully beautiful and warm day out, I was freezing to no end and I had so much inflammation that everything I was wearing was cutting into me. I spent most of the day, laying on the floor on an ice pack (undoubtedly the reason why I was freezing!!!)
I had made myself go out at one point to a Garden Nursery to take my my mind off how I was feeling, but as I was standing in one aisle, a very rude man rushed past me and pushed me into a wall. Now when my body feels like this, I can barely be touched. Needless to say, it took all my strength to not sit down on the floor and burst out into tears. Somedays, I wish I could hang a sign around my neck saying "Handle with Care".
I have come to think of my body as a prison and that I am being punished for some misdeed I have committed. Silly thought, I know, but I often curse myself and my flippant remarks I made years ago in a conversation with my mother on death and pain. She told me that she did not fear death (as she had already once clinically died when I was a child) but that she feared the pain leading into death. I made the huge mistake of saying that I DID NOT fear the pain, but I feared death. I think "The Fates" heard me that day and said "hey what the hell, let's see how much pain she can take!" I have regretted those words for years. It's a moment I wish I could rewind.
Although I am not religious, I am a spiritual person who does truly believe that you are only given what you are able to handle and that you are provided this path in life for a purpose. I am not sure what I am suppose to garner out of this learning exercise, but I am listening to my body and letting it guide me in the direction it wishes to go.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that even in my darkest of moments, those moments when I think "ahhh come on, find someone else to make miserable", I still realize that life is precious. I really do see small miracles every day and think wow did anyone else see that? And while I type this, I realize that I just had an epiphany. Maybe this is my lesson in life, maybe my lesson in life is to notice all the wonderful small things that happen! So, if that is the case, if pain made me slow down to notice little miracles, than I say thank you to the fates... I still think they could ease up on me now and then... but whatever, it is what it is.
Here's hoping that you get out and enjoy your day and that your Sunday is full of small miracles! I know I will be looking for mine.
Until Next Time.