Wednesday, August 18, 2010

HUMPBACK WEDNESDAY: My embarrassment cup runneth over

A post from a few weeks ago I thought I would share and I thank Best Posts of the Week for allowing me to be a part of this meme...

Some days I wonder about the things I share...

It was one of those days... you know what I mean, when the fates decide to make you the butt of their joke, literally. You see, I work on the top floor of a building with only two floors and I have the complete joy (sarcasm inserted here) of having to share the bathroom on the main floor with the lovely doctor’s office below.

It’s such a nuisance for me to use the bathroom as I am the one and only employee here. I am it, I am the Queen Bee of my four walls, the Cherry on top of the proverbial ice cream, I am Numero Uno... and when this Numero Uno has to go the bathroom, well it’s an all out fiasco, from making a “back in 5 minutes” sign for the front door, to locking the door, to forwarding my lines down to my sister office, to walking down a long hallway followed by a flight of stairs just to reach that bathroom door.  So you can imagine, that I “hold it” for however long I possibly can.

So, on this particular day this week, I was doing the happy pee dance everywhere.  My bladder was about to burst and I had to go “now” and lord forbid you were in the way as I was prepared to take you down if you blocked me.

Now everybody has a quirk.  I certainly have my fair share, but I absolutely abhor having people listen to me pee.  Even if I have to go, I won’t go if you can hear me pee.  So here I am doing the jiggles, squiggles and wiggles all the way downstairs and luckily the bathroom isn't occupied and I go in on my merry way, lock the door and am about to go the bathroom when........... wouldn’t you know it but all the doctors come out and hang out by the water cooler right beside the bloody bathroom door.  Uggghhhhhhhh.

In my mind, I am screaming “go away, go away, for gawd sakes go away” followed by “who in their bloody right mind puts a water cooler right beside the bathroom door!”.  It’s come to the point that I have to go so freaking bad that I think I am going to die and now I have an ache on my side, but for the life of me, I can’t go. And all I can think about is oh my gawd, my bladder IS going to burst!  And as I am concentrating and willing my bladder to ignore the voices outside the door and trying to force it into submission and pee, what happens next can only be described as THE DAY THE EARTH SHOOK!  I hear this massive sonic boom.  Hmmmm.... where did that come from I think... and then I hear complete silence out the door of the bathroom followed by raucous laughter.

Could it be? Oh my gawd say it wasn’t so! OH MY LORD IT WAS!!!!! With all my forcing on my bladder, my ass betrayed me and let out one of the hugest farts of the century... That’s right people, I farted and now I was trapped in a bathroom waiting for the laughing doctors to leave.  Oh the humiliation of the whole thing.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they won’t leave!  I’m stuck there in the washroom with no where to escape, a full bladder that won’t pee and a sonic boom that was probably being reported to National Security.  I’m horrified and humiliated and the only thing I can think of is that I have one saving grace, no one saw ME go into the bathroom.  Now it has become a waiting game.  I sit and wait, they talk and giggle, I sit and wait, they talk and giggle, I sit and wait, and finally slowly one by one they leave.

I pee faster than I have ever peed in my life and get the heck out of Dodge, not before I slowly open the door to make sure no one is still there.  And I am lucky, oh so lucky, because the coast is clear.  So I sprint for the stairs as fast as my short stubby legs will take me, all the while thinking "I'm safe, thank you God, I am safe".

And just as I am going half way up the stairs and I see the door to my redemption and self respect, darn it if one of those freaking doctors doesn’t come back.  Thank goodness for quick reactions, as I turned instantly on my heel and pretended I was just coming down the stairs to use the bathroom...

So what is the moral of the story: well, it’s not really for me, it more for my bosses.... Lease a building with a bathroom on the damn same floor (and reminder to me to not eat so many beans)!!!! Sheesh!

Until Next Time.
Smooches Pooches


  1. OH my LORD! I actually covered my face in embarrassment FOR YOU! LOL LOL are hilarious!

  2. OMG!!! I think I'm going to collapse... I just went through 2 sheets of paper towel to read that post ... massive tears of laughter!... I - VERY LITERALLY - had to stop at several points to try to get control of myself enough to keep reading. And here I was ... just a moment ago cracking up over Jon Stewart's name for Rod Blegojavich... Which already had Tony... Mr.Straight-Face!!!... looking at me with a mixture of fear and annoyance... But that was NOTHING!! This is the hardest I have laughed in years!!! And that IS saying a lot! OMG Tracy... You are way beyond HILARIOUS!! You absolutely MUST write for a sitcom... you really MUST!! ... Tamara

  3. OMG it would only happen to you Tracy
    I peed myself reading this blog so i,m off to the store to get you and me some Depends lol
    Tracy you are my daily sunshine :)
    You are HILARIOUS

    :) L

  4. I was actually going to email you... because I heard something really really loud all the way here in Ontario LOL
    So are you the next Tina Fey??????
    Love You
    Love Me

  5. I absolutely love your blog... you are hilarious! Thanks for the great laugh!

  6. Your a woman to love tell a great story and this one had me laughing all the way. You have a great outlook on life!

    Jeanne xx

  7. Hmmmm... nobody else admitting they've been there? I will then... you're not alone!!... ;)

  8. I have read all your comments and I agree with Charmaine you are not alone on this one but you are probably the only one who has a good laugh at yourself and admits it. Another wonderful story Tracy, love it.

  9. Oh my! Hilarious it is...I do love your way with words...Laughing out loud so hard! Oh my! And only one bath in a building? Should be against the law, you need your own 'fart' room!

  10. Your honesty and boldness is inspiring - thanks for the great read!!!

  11. OMG!! Girl i am giggling all the way reading this... thankfully my bosses have a bathroom.. you are brave.. you are brave... that was one life-testing moments... i guess they cannot prepare one for such situations even in the military... gosh!

    coming from Best Posts! This is certainly one of the best :-)

  12. Oh my goodness - hysterical!! I hope you have recovered. I've just visited via BPOTW.

  13. Oh, dear! That's way too funny!! You are very brave to share with us!

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